Broken in Brief: Whole goddamn neighborhood air-conditioned

ATLANTA-Residents of the Firebush Street section of the Haber Heights community must have awoken in complete fucking shock today as they found out that, contrary to the recent uptick in temperatures, their entire goddamn neighborhood had been goddamn air-conditioned to a cool, comfortable 65 degrees.

Authorities point to the source of this goddamn development being a local residence where the fucking door had been left open for 10 fucking minutes, causing the entire goddamn temperature transference.

Sources close to the home in question have revealed that an area man Tom Caruthers’ ingrate children had left said goddamn door open and this was not the first fucking time it had happened either.

Sources further reveal that this man, who works his ass off for a goddamn living, has repeatedly told his damn kids that this air-conditioning shit isn’t free and that they don’t know the goddamn value of a goddamn dollar or what it’s like to work for a goddamn living.

But that is of little value to neighborhood residents who are enjoying the cool temperatures and don’t even give a shit about the struggles Caruthers has to go through to put fucking food on the fucking table. They’re just a bunch of moochers just like his goddamn kids who don’t fucking listen.

According to estimates from the local energy concern, this is going to cost a fucking fortune and Caruthers isn’t made of fucking money. Furthermore if this happens one more goddamn time, Caruthers has claimed he’ll call up the local heating and cooling place and have them haul away the fucking air conditioner and then he’ll see how everyone likes it then.

According to neighbors, these threats have been taken with a grain of salt and Mr. Caruthers feels like he’s talking to a brick fucking wall. As of press time the goddamn front fucking door is still fucking open.

Picture of the day w/ bonus animation

The Icelandic death cloud that is devouring Europe/ushering in a new sunblocked ice age/inconveniencing air travelers.

The Chileans broke the planet

Have you ever wished the day was a little shorter? You know, just so there were a few less minutes in your day to sit around without a job or just to make 5 o'clock come around sooner because then it's OK to drink and GODDAMNIT YOU DONT HAVE A PROBLEM, SHELIA!!!

Well then, this whole Chilean earthquake thing must have been a tremendous boon to you and a subject of some personal pride, you monster. You got your wish.

The earthquake that killed more than 700 people in Chile on Feb. 27 probably shifted the Earth’s axis and shortened the day, a National Aeronautics and Space Administration scientist said.
...
“The length of the day should have gotten shorter by 1.26 microseconds (millionths of a second),” Gross, said today in an e-mailed reply to questions. “The axis about which the Earth’s mass is balanced should have moved by 2.7 milliarcseconds (about 8 centimeters or 3 inches).

So not only is the day shorter in an increment that can only be appreciated by hummingbirds and Olympic sprinters, the earth was thrown off it's axis by three whole inches. The three inch axis shift was so violent that a scientist stationed at a scientific outpost was slightly nudged into a co-worker while at the dinner table, throwing the meal into an unpleasant conversation about "personal boundary issues" about certain "creepy, bug-eyed glaciologists" that "had already been warned about the pawing and touching, Roger." Suffice to say, dessert was uncomfortable.

So remember, in order to fully stick it to the man and wring out every benefit you can from a 8.8 magnitude earthquake: start leaving work 1.26 microseconds early. Otherwise the time shift is just going to come out of your sleep and leisure time. And if you want to start knocking off some tenths of a second, you know, real time, then start praying for some really big earthquakes. It's all just a matter of the CIA turning a knob on their earthquake causing satellite.

It's cold out

It's a banner season for climate change denialists. With God deciding to take a look at the Mid-Atlantic and go "what if the Great Flood was frozen this time!", that unequivocally proves once and for all that because it is cold and snowing in one area, climate change is a sad, deluded, clinically disproven myth. Except, you know, when the science says the opposite. But who listens to science?

But we already knew that the science for global warming dries up the second someone, somewhere feels slightly colder than usual. But what happens when places where it's supposed to be cold are warmer than usual during periods when it's supposed to be cold? Like places where they're supposed to be holding wintry athletic competitions in the outdoors? And these places are theoretically are having to push back events, refund tickets, and helicopter in snow because of seasonal temperature highs, rain, and melting ruining said wintry athletic courses?

What ever could be the reason? Tim Gayda, the vice president of sport for the Vancouver organizing committee, do you have any idea?

Warm, wet El Niño winds from Hawaii that occasionally bring unseasonably warm weather around the region are known locally as the “pineapple express,” but the effects rarely last more than a few days.
...
“We really shattered the all-time record,” he said. “It’s El Niño, and there’s something else that nobody understands at this point. It’s El Niño Plus.”

Yes. What ever could it be? I'm assuming the proper winter Gods were not placated, or perhaps Apollo was over placated. Anyway, while Vancouver might not understand why it's events are melting or why the Olympic Committee is now openly talking about having to take climate, temperature, and other planetary heating trends into account for the future, former Olympic Games host Utah knows what it isn't.

Utah's House of Representatives apparently has at least. Officially the most Republican state in America, its political masters have adopted a resolution condemning "climate alarmists", and disputing any scientific basis for global warming.
...
The original version of the bill dismissed climate science as a "well organised and ongoing effort to manipulate and incorporate "tricks" related to global temperature data in order to produce a global warming outcome". It accused those seeking action on climate change of riding a "gravy train" and their efforts would "ultimately lock billions of human beings into long-term poverty".
...
By the time the final version of the bill came to a vote, cooler heats apparently prevailed. The bill dropped the word "conspiracy", and described climate science as "questionable" rather than "flawed".

It's all magic, unknowable weather, angry deities, or just patterns that somehow seems to mystically link up with the deluded conspiracy theories of crooked scientists looking to bamboozle the public and thieve money out of the lucrative endless cash pile that is climate science. Funny how it always works out that way.

I'm just glad we learned two important climate facts. Cold and snowy here means global warming is a myth no matter what actual science says. Unseasonably warm weather in a wintry place means... LOOK OVER THERE!!! *runs away*

Broken in Brief: Mystical white stuff bedevils humanity

MID ATLANTIC—“Oh God, what fresh hell is this?” an unnamed civil servant was heard to utter today in a mass conference call between the mayors and city officials of several mid-Atlantic cites plagued by the recent appearance of a cold, white, seemingly ice-like substance that has mysteriously begun falling from the skies over the past week.

“I’ll be jiggered if I know what the fuck any of this cold sky cotton is or what to do about it,” a despondent Washington D.C. mayor Adrian Fenty was heard to scream during the conference call. “Help! Dear sweet God help us, we have never encountered anything like this before!”

“One of my staffers has heard tale about this fabled weather event,” Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl revealed. “I believe it is called snoo or snough, I’m not sure how the pronunciation goes. But it is apparently a real meteorological event and some sort of heathen curse. In some cultures, this schnow is even a frequent weather event that they periodically endure. I can’t imagine such a thing and am without the means to combat this sky menace or perhaps reason with the evil spirit that has conjured it.”

Some of the older staffers soon regaled the assembled group with tales from their elders about methods their forefathers employed in pitched battle with the fluff ice. Some mentioned an ancient custom of salting the white air debris to combat ill omens, while others mentioned horse drawn plows as a means of redistributing the substance.

“Base witchcraft and chicanery,” Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake yelled. “If we drag plows on the streets our asphalt will be marked with deep grooves fit for a planting harvest.”

“We shall be doing none of this,” she finished, the others moving to note their support of her words.

As of press time only prayers and small sacrifices to the Gods are being offered, with few efforts made to clear streets. It is hoped that at the very least the prayers will be enough to stop the deluge until the requisite mystics and alchemists can be summoned to tell local leaders how to handle this unprecedented weather.

Blah blah blah Al Gore

Last night, before going to bed, I declared the supposed second snowpocalypse storm, which at that point had only dumped a piddling amount of snow on the ground and devolved into a weak drizzle of rain, to be a weak ass bitch ass storm for week-kneed little sisters that wasted my time with dreams of a new ice age. So imagine my surprise when during my slumber (and dreams of money and zombies) the sneaky bastard shat down a couple of more inches during the night, re-crippling a mid-Atlantic that has apparently never dealt with snow before.

Of course we all know what this torrent of winter weather means: global warming is a hoax, Al Gore is fat, and climate change is a myth. And as if on cue, our betters in the right wing media (like always) along with a couple of our more extra ignorant elected representatives, and dimwitted newspapers have chimed in right on cue with those sentiments. Hey, Al Gore is really fat.

But because we love you and we get a tasty percentage cut from Gore for any reader we're able to trick into buying into the global conspiracy and scientific con game that is climate change, here's an actual expert from Climate Progress opining on how "It's cold here right now, thus science is wrong" isn't as scientific as it sounds.

It's long and sciencey, but it basically comes down to a few simple points: climate isn't weather you dimwitted oafs, these major snow events are simultaneously happeneing during some of the warmest winters on record, how there have been two "100 year storms" in two months and how that isn't good, how Al Gore is merely big-boned, and how climate change driven record moisture levels are responsible for these storms and future storms.

Here's MSNBC's Dylan Ratigan making the case. Ratigan is notable for being the only guy on TV who wants to use the snow storm to discuss science. Liberal hippie freak.



Not as convincing as Dr. Hannity, Climate Scientist, but it'll have to do. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go collect a check from Science. I can assure you it has nothing to do with helping to perpetrate a large scale hoax on the populace.

Picture of the day

Via NASA's Earyh Observatory and the Terra satellite comes this look at the snowpocalpse/snowmageddon that wrought a new ice age on large swaths of the populace over the weekend. According to forecasts, it's going to be that plus another 12 inches later today.

Click to really, really, really embiggen. Seriously, it'll enlarge to the point where you can see yourself shoveling your driveway and hating God/your life.

Snow Day!

These Bastards is taking a Snow Day. Let me tell you that it is purely for completely adult reasons and not because some or all of us might be harboring skull crushing hangovers and deep regrets from Super Bowl Sunday. Congratulations to most of the Mid Atlantic, which still seems paralyzed by the snow, and to the city of New Orleans, whom we will be mocking in full tomorrow.

Makes sense

One has to appreciate all the opportunities that the Haiti earthquake has given people. Oh, not to improve a beleaguered country, show unprecedented levels of humanitarian care and aid, or aspire to the better angels of human nature. No, to come up with crazy ass conspiracy theories about the "truth" behind the relief efforts and the earthquake.

Of course the man to step up to the forefront is Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. First he stated we were using the earthquake and aid as a pretext for occupying Haiti. you know, because controlling Haiti would be such a jewel in our crown. But then he wised up and came to a more reasonable conclusion: we were responsible for the earthquake.

Venezuelan leader, Hugo Chavez has reportedly said the Haiti earthquake was caused by a U.S. tectonic weapons test, also being dubbed The Earthquake Weapon.

Hugo Chavez told Spanish newspaper ABC that a "tectonic weapon" launched by the U.S. Navy was capable of triggering a powerful earthquake off the coast of Haiti. Chavez told the newspaper that this time it was only a test and the ultimate target is Iran

First off: The Earthquake Weapon? That's an unbelievably shitty name. Come up with something better, Hugo. Secondly, he also blames the US for the January 9th earthquake in Eureka, CA, but says we only might be responsible for a 2008 earthquake in China. Which is it, Hugo? Do we cause all earthquakes now or just some of them? Get your facts straight.

As for the accusations that we want to use this secret (but not so secret that every two-bit conspiracy theorist not only knows about it, but also knows where it is located: the HAARP facility in Alaska) earthquake weapon to finally destroy Iran? Well, no shit. We don't have the troop strength to fully invade so our only other recourse is magic space vibrations shot from satellites formerly controlled by Sarah Palin.

It's just a shame that you caught on to our plan to unleash El Ultimo Tectonico Diablo on Iran. Now we can't crush them under the might of our weather controlling powers! Curse you, Hugo, and curse the Fifth Republic Movement! Now we'll have to wait to destroy Iran... that is unless... would people find it suspicious if Tehran was hit by a Category 5 hurricane? I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Hope you kept your snorkels, New Orleans

One must marvel at the lengths our elected betters go sometimes to completely toady to their corporate donors. Take, for instance, Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu. As Senator for the beleaguered state she must know that any of the adverse effects of global warming and climate change will adversely effect her state. From floods, to heat, to extra powerful hurricanes, to New Orleans going under water a couple more dozen times, to Drew Brees pulling a hamstring, all of these are climate dangers that will specifically damage states like Louisiana.

On the other hand, she gets $1.5 million in donations of pro-pollution, anti-environmental sectors so, her hands are tied. So you can see why she's working so hard to make sure her state drowns.

Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-La.) told reporters Wednesday that she is working with Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska) on Murkowski's efforts to block EPA from regulating greenhouse gases under the agency's current Clean Air Act powers.
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"I am considering that right now," Landrieu said when asked whether she backed Murkowski's plan. "I have been working with her on it."

Landrieu said she is not yet ready to announce anything but believes the Clean Air Act is not meant to be applied to carbon dioxide emissions.

Yeah, of course carbon dioxide isn't a pollutant that should be regulated by the Clean Air Act or the EPA. It's as obvious as the fact that the Earth was formed 6,000 years ago and the fact that I DIDN'T DESCEND FROM NO ORANGUTAN!!!!!!

You know you can kind of understand when congresspeople from South Dakota don't get all that thrilled about acting on climate legislation. Hell, it's not like South Dakota is going to be covered by melted ice cap water or hit by extra powerful hurricanes. South Dakota could take a direct meteor strike and the entire state would barely look different. In fact increased temperatures and a coastline that advances inland by a couple hundred miles would actually dramatically improve most of the Midwest. But for a Senator who represents a state that contains large chunks of population and infrastructure below sea level and is already vulnerable to extreme weather? It's almost completely indefensible.

On the other hand, $1.5 million is a lot of money. She probably made the right choice.

Picture of the day

From NASA comes a look at frozen ass Britain who, much like us, are in the throes of the ice God's terrible wrath.

Click to really, really, really embiggen.


You know what this means, right? That global warming is obviously a hoax because it's cold out right now. Glad we cleared that up.

Ad of the day

This is from a Manhattan billboard for the company Weatherproof, which took an AP photo of Obama wearing one of its jackets on a trip to China, slapped their logo on it, and used it to advertise their company and what they're now marketing as "The Obama Jacket." Unsurprisingly this has provoked the ire of the White House, who notes that Obama isn't endorsing their company and that this all seems highly illegal. Nevertheless, the ad stays up because Weatherproof are intense assholes and complete media whores.

Now that Obama is pseudo-endorsing a jacket brand, what are other companies, like North Face or Columbia, going to do? Well if the These Bastards Marketing Consortium can offer a suggestion, we know one rugged world leader who would love to legally endorse a product in return for vast sums of money.


We're thinking the "Vladimir Putin Bear Skinning Knife", some sort of branded floppy hat or cargo pants, or perhaps some polonium lined boots. Drop us a line if you're interested.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 12.30

How much did Tiger Woods cost shareholders?
We all know what Tiger Woods' appetite for incredibly trashy bar skanks costs him: his status as the most ungodly boring athlete on the face of the planet, a perfectly good set of golf clubs that is now dented and covered in car paint, a car, and a number of endorsements. I heard John Daly walked up to Tiger and told him that he "really needed to pull himself together" because he was "acting reckless and damaging his reputation." There is no lower indignity. But what's happeneing to all the companies that hitched their wagon to the seemingly unstoppably mundane juggernaut known as the Tiger Woods marketing persona? They lost somewhere in the neighborhood of $5-12 billion in stock value. Ouch. Well at least Tiget got to sleep with some real classy ladies. I'm sure that's of real comfort to EA, Nike, and Gatorade stockholders.

How Algal Biofuels Lost a Decade in the Race to Replace Oil
Wired Science looks at how one of the best sources for biofuels, algae, got started and eventually fell by the funding wayside in the transition from Carter's alternate fuels programs to Reagan's OILOILOIL and tongue kissing Saddam programs. On the negative side, we lost decades worth of research into a very promising field. On the bright side, the recent stimulus package and increase in science funding has pumped money back into algae biofuel. The downside? That money is going to run out in a few years. If only we could get some way to turn algae into corn, there would probably be more support for the initiative.

Barley + Space = Space Beer!
Space beer. Do I actually have to say a third word? Fine, Japan (could it have been anyone else) sent up barley grains that spent 5 months on the International Space Station. Now, Sapporo is making 250 six packs and selling them through a lottery for $150. The money raised is going to fund science education. It should be used to fund more space beer. Is These Bastards the only ones who sees the possibility: moon water + space barley = zero G brain lubricant. Let's get on top of this shit Sapporo, if I can't actually visit a moon base, I want to be albe to get 3 sheets to the wind on space beer. Chop chop. Make it happen.

Star Wars Weather Forecast
I know what you're all thinking: what planet in the Star Wars galaxy does the weather outside most resemble? Well now, thanks to Tom Scott, you don't have to wonder. Just type in your zip code or city name and you'll know. It also helps you learn the Star Wars planet names if you're one of those uncultured swine who can't rattle off 40-50 imaginary planets in some macho display of nerd intelligence and misspent youth.

Not again! Giant Swedish Christmas goat statue gets torched
The good people of Stockholm are trying to create a Christmas tradition for their city: building a giant straw statue of a Yule goat, the Swedish precursor to God's son and the savior of man, Santa Claus. Unfortunately, Stockholm hooligans, most likely named Lars or Henrik, have decided upon their own Christmas tradition: evading the security surrounding the giant straw goat in order to set it ablaze. Guess which tradition is winning out? Fire trumps all.

Picture of the day

Via Space Gizmo and the Aqua satellite comes a look at last week's massive snowstorm which broke records for December snowfall just about everywhere. If you look closely you can see just how much goddamn snow you had to shovel out of your rotten fucking driveway.

Click to really embiggen.

Picture of the day

From Wired Science comes a look at a cosmic mystery unfolding in our own galaxy. Behold, the hexagonal jetstream of Saturn's north pole! It's wider than two earths, has existed for decades, and has somehow combined the atmosphere, meteorology, and geometry in a way that isn't sleep inducing.

What causes it: A really precise wind God? Sandworms? Aliens? Is Saturn a big goatse fan? Hydrogen... cumulo... nimboid... docdeca... weather... scienceology? No one knows. But if you're ever near Saturn you should swing by and check it out.

Wired also has an animation of it in action.

Broken News: Scientists reluctantly admit global climate change conspiracy

COPENHAGEN—Citing the recently uncovered Climategate controversy and heavy consciences, the world's scientific elite gathered today at the United Nations Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen to formally admit the decades long conspiracy to trick the world into believing the science behind climate change and global warming was, in fact, real.

“Our bad,” announced the Chair of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, Rajendra Pachauri, to the stunned silence of those gathered.

“Uh yeah,” he continued, sweating profusely and tugging nervously at his shirt collar. “We just wanted some attention. None of you care about climate science or anyone who does research in the field. Hell, TV weathermen get more respect than us.”

Clearing his throat, Pachauri added, “We also really hated industry and spitefully wanted to cripple economies for no good reason,” before sheepishly walking off the stage, his head drooped low.

As the pained cries of “No!” went up around the surrounding area and mixed with the joyful yelps of “I knew it!”, those in attendance at COP15 struggled to understand how such a vast conspiracy was hatched and held together.

Offering up his own explanation was Dr. Eric Wenham, a now discredited climate scientist working in the field of marine ecologies, who was huddled with a group of other scientists off to the right of the stage.

“Well, Mr. Pachauri was right. We all felt extremely unpopular and taken for granted,” he said, awkwardly digging his toe into the ground.

“I know why I got into measuring carbon concentrations in oyster and clam shells: for the fucking glory! It drove me right up the wall when I wasn’t getting the prestige and fame that a life in climate science was supposed to get you.”

The other scientists in the area agreed, with one in the back shouting “Actually, I got into climatology for the money.”

"And the women!" shouted an unidentified researcher.

“Well, we’re all in it for the money and women,” Wenham laughed. “I mean, we all know how much a top level climate scientist can pull down. Billions!“

As the day went on, this group of scientists went on to diagram how and why they became part of the greatest scientific hoax since the moon landing.

“For me, I first heard about it in hushed tones; people telling me that if I really wanted to make the big money I just had to mention that all my research showing increased carbon levels was somehow going to kill the world,” revealed Dr. Tashahiro Fumigato MIT. “A completely ludicrous proposition, by the way.”

The surrounding scientists nodded in agreement. Which begged the question, if carbon levels were actually rising, then wasn’t that a problem?

“Of course not!” Fumigato roared, practically doubled over with amusement. “We breathe CO2 out, so how dangerous can it be?”

Other scientists joined in the laughter with one asking how something could be bad if God made it.

“So,” Fumigato continued. “We just concocted a story about warming, rising oceans, bad weather, melting icecaps, and gussied it up with tales about sad polar bears and fuzzy kittens. Then all that money began rolling in.”

Everyone nodded and held up various bejeweled canes, diamond Rolexes, keys to Bentleys, and fat wads of sweaty $100 bills.

“I just want to be clear here,” Wenham chimed back in. “We also really hated industry and capitalism. I can’t stress that enough. We wanted to damage it for no other reason than our own personal amusement.”

Again everyone nodded, with several augmenting Wenham’s words with extra “really’s”, before they eventually grew disinterested in their own conspiracy and started to disperse into the crowd.

With this global conspiracy revealed and the climate "scientists" finally exposed for the frauds they are, few are sure what will happen next. Apart from Al Gore's imminent arrest and execution, most of the climate science field will revert to relative anonymity of a comparatively unrewarding upper-middle-class lifestyle.

For now, most observers are pointing to this hoax as evidence that people need to be more skeptical towards all science and especially scientists. On this point Dr. Fumigato agrees wholeheartedly.

“People just need to realize that scientists occasionally lie for no good reason and get other to join them in their lies, also for no good reason. Sometimes it really is best to listen to corporations and energy conglomerates that might not seem credible because of the colossal financial stake they have in discrediting science that doesn’t say what they want. Most times, they’re telling the truth. More so than us scientists, that’s for sure.”

Quote of the day

Republican House member Todd Akin of Missouruh starts his Science Lecture '09 series early with a warning against liberal plots to end seasons.

AKIN: This whole thing strikes me, if it weren’t so serious, as being a comedy, you know. I mean, we just went from winter to spring. In Missouri when we go from winter to spring, that’s a good climate change. I don’t want to stop that climate change you know. Who in the world want to put politicians in charge of the weather anyways? What a dumb idea.

For the Coup de grace he laid out the crack science squad he's put together for the expressed purpose of stopping Nancy Pelosi from eradicating Autumn.

We’ve been joined by another doctor, a medical doctor but also a guy who graduated from high school science as well, from Georgia, my good friend, Congressman Gingrey. … So to have actually a guy who’s passed high school science is tremendously helpful.

A guy who passed high school science in Georgia. Take that scientists, what with your fancy doctorates and Bunsen burners. I bet you didn't even go to school in Georgia!

Broken News: Persistent, violent weather patterns declared temporary, mild

WASHINGTON—After what has been deemed a "thorough review," today the Bush Administration released a joint review from the National Weather Service, Environmental Protection Agency, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, and the Office of the White House Chief of Staff stating that the increasingly bizarre, violent, strange, and unpredictable weather patterns of the last few years to be a temporary condition that in no way related to global warming in any way.

“Listen, this is all part of the natural cycle of things,” observed EPA Undersecretary and Liberty University Chair Jason Slattery. “Frankly I think the earth has decided ‘enough tropical hurricanes in the north’ and has decided to send them much more frequently to the colder waters of South America where they never used to hit. The fact these disasters are now a weekly occurrence now is Mother Earth just balancing things out after eons of hurricanes and cyclones happening one way and one way only. Fair is fair.”

Furthermore the report stresses that the increase in the level of Category 4 and 5 hurricanes also had nothing to do with increased CO2 levels warming the waters on the Atlantic and Gulf of Mexico. In fact the report goes so far to stress that man made actions have had no effect on climate that a separate GAO study revealed that this report used the most bolded statements, underlined sentences, exclamation points, and uses of the phrases “because we said so”, “trust us”, and “listen, we know what we’re talking about” in the history of US Government.

“People are so quick to lump everything in with global warming,” noted government spokesman Eric Frost. “All we’re saying is ‘No, it isn’t and if you ever mention it we’ll fire you and pull your funding.’ But these Al Gore types don’t want to hear it. It’s all climate change this, hurricanes that, New Orleans this, global catastrophe that. Maybe they just don’t want to face the real facts here: the hurricanes have been testing our defenses for years and now that they know our weaknesses, they’re attacking them at full strength. Where’s the slideshow about that?”

He continued “Plus, I read on a message board that some scientists in the seventies once thought the globe was cooling or something and that totally didn’t happen. So, I think we see how all science is invalid as a result.”

But it isn’t just limited to hurricanes. In the last year climate scientists have reported the rise of 8.0 magnitude earthquakes, an increase in the frequency and intensity of tornadoes, exploding mountains, rivers of acid, the existence of marauding clouds of pure electricity, and an under-reported story from last month: a cyclone made of fire, flaming hail, and sulfur that ravaged the southern coast of Africa.

When asked to explain the Infernocane, the Bush Administration attributed the fire storm to biblical end times prophecy and “…clearly not the result of decades of unchecked industrial emissions and flammable substances” and denied any connection to the napalm factory that it commissioned and opened in Johannesburg last year.

When asked for any scientific proof to back these assertions the Administration just handed out copies of the Left Behind book series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins with a not that we should “…prepare to have our fuckin’ minds blown.” When further pressed for a better explanation during today’s announcement press conference Mr. Frost simply said “Uhhhhh…sun…spots? More of them? Sun…fire…wind. That sounds…plausible.” before abruptly ending the session.

Slattery offered another perspective “When balanced against, say, the fires of creation, the forging of the planet, the meteor/alien conspiracy that killed the dinosaurs, Vesuvius, the sinking of the continent of Atlantis, the crucifixion of Jesus, every nuke in the world simultaneously being launched and detonating, I think you’ll find things like massive, constant lightning attacks, five mile high tornados, mud slides in areas with no mud or hills for it to slide on, the evaporation of 70% of the world’s drinkable water, and the incineration of the lower half of Africa by means of a fire storm to be relatively mild when compared side to side.”

It was the final conclusion of the report that there was “nothing to see here” and that everyone should just “move along now.” The government hopes that these completely placid and common weather patterns will run their course, but have advised citizens that they might need to endure a few thousand years of sweltering heat, destroyed coasts, and the desertification of all crop land before there is a noticeable improvement.

Yes, shit clouds

I can't see my hut from here.

The image above is not my most recent lung scan. No, it is a satellite image of the giant clouds of vaporized shit that hover above southeast Asia.

BEIJING — A noxious cocktail of soot, smog and toxic chemicals is blotting out the sun, fouling the lungs of millions of people and altering weather patterns in large parts of Asia, according to a report released Thursday by the United Nations.

On the bright side, once our stupid fucking economy completely collapses, so too will our ability to bulk purchase cheap shit manufactured in Chinese factories that treat the surrounding ecosystem like a two-bit whore. So there's an upside.

Separate but related: Take fifteen minutes and head over to WattzOn.com, where you can create a personalize energy consumption tracking program and do your part to perhaps kill the planet a little more slowly.

Broken News: Elite Team of Lepidopterists Sent to Kill Chaos Butterfly

Artist's rendering of the horrid bug

RIO DE JANERIO—Since 1963, when Edward Lorenz revealed to the world the existence of a creature that could change the course of world events with a single flap of its tiny wings, man has both come to fear and revere the might of the so-called chaos butterfly. No longer just a cheap gimmick for low grade science fiction, the butterfly effect has taken on new significance to world financial markets during the current crisis. The massive instability and seemingly chaotic movements in stock markets have led the International Monetary Fund and the World Bank to band together in a joint operation to assemble an elite team of the world’s greatest lepidopterists to once and for all kill the creature whose every flutter could bring about new economic horror.

Little is known about this elusive creature. The only real reference to its existence was in Philip Merilees seminal 1972 work Does the flap of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil set off a tornado in Texas. In it he posited the existence of a terrible nightmare monarch, hurling twisters into the American heartland with every cruel beat of its furious wings. After he published the article, he was torn to shreds by a category F5 tornado while speaking onstage at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science.

“I was a warning to us all,” remarked Dr. Samuel J. Grundlefeather, author, crank, and chaos mathematician. “I remember sitting there watching as this tornado was seemingly conjured from out of nothing, striking only the four foot radius around the podium Merilees was standing at. He was torn asunder and his overhead slides rendered bent, bloodstained, and unreadable. We knew what it meant. That horrid little bug didn’t want anyone looking into its activities. Fear of its wrath drove us underground, where we've been conducting our research in secret. But we persevered and pushed forward until we discovered the butterfly's weaknesses and location. Now we finally have the knowledge and skills to kill this beast, ending this madness once and for all.”

The hardest part of the mission will be tracking and pinpointing of the creature. Going off Merilees work, the team knew to start in South America. The legends of the local tribes claim the butterfly resides in the deepest, darkest reaches of the Amazon. They call it the Demônio Rei Borboleta, and both worship and fear its curious power over the earth. For the trek into the largest rainforest in the world, the team will rely not on the assistance of local tribes, but in the skills of the world’s foremost tracker and collector of butterflies and moths: Ferdinand Heinrich Hermann Strecker III, scourge of Class: Insecta, Order: Lepidoptera.

“My family, we know how to deal with these winged pupal freaks,” he said through a translator. “For thirty generations the Streckers have stalked, captured and pinned these filthy flying maggots into charming, yet kitschy little display boxes. If it crawled out of a chrysalis sack with wings, my family nailed it to a wall. I consider this the ultimate honor and I am glad that I have been charged with stopping this so-called chaos butterfly from corrupting the world financial markets with credit swaps and loans to minorities.”

When asked how he would be able to identify a butterfly no one has lived to describe he only had this to say. “They say that this bug has the face of the devil himself on its wings. Plus it’s not like we’re going to be careful about what we kill. We have some of the best and most destructive weaponry on earth. We’re going to kill everything there. Butterflies, pygmies, tigers, wookies, pumas, monkeys, frogs, crystal skulled aliens, trees, lizards, and butterflies. Nothing is going to get out alive, I promised the IMF that.”

That much is true, as Strecker and his team will be outfitted with the world's most advanced weaponry: Uranium depleted shells, tow missiles, surface-to-moth missiles, advanced machine guns, fake flowers, poisoned nectar, and those blue glowing lantern style bug zappers. Still, some are worried that this dangerous mission won’t solve the financial crisis already underway.

“Look, how do we even know this butterfly controls the financial and credit markets?” asked John Fabin, shrill economist. “Every mention of this so-called death dealer is related to weather. From tornadoes to hurricanes to that rash of groin-based lightning strikes at the annual Butterfly Collector Convention in ’82, it’s all weather based. Maybe we’re looking for the wrong animal. Maybe there’s a gopher, moose, or shifty-eyed dog that’s controlling the world economy.”

“Maybe people ought to give more credence to that theory about the seven Jewish bankers ruling the world economy from their base six miles under Zurich. Or maybe, and here’s a radical idea, the crisis has been caused by the fundamental greed and crooked dealing by idiots who head large corporations. Credit swaps? We actually going to blame that on butterfly? Maybe the solution is more regulation, better oversight, and the public hanging of a random selection of CEO’s. Maybe we shouldn’t destroy half the rainforest to kill the chaos butterfly; maybe our financial system shouldn’t resemble a free-for-all at a roulette table.”

But Mr. Fabin’s deranged socialist ravings were laughed off just as quickly as they were suggested. Of course a butterfly is responsible, and this combined with the Paulson-Bernanke rocket jump next week should permanently fix the world economy and prevent anything bad from ever happening again. Though if the butterfly survives the assassination attempt, much of the American heartland and Central Europe is expected to be destroyed in a colossal retaliatory tornado.

“Oh yeah, we might be stirring up a hornet’s nest, to mix insect metaphors,” concluded Dr. Grundlefeather. “But what other recourse do we have? Blaming it on some goat? Reforming our financial systems? Now who’s being silly?”