Broken in Brief: US wasn’t interested in that hockey gold medal anyway

AMERICA—After a heartbreaking 3-2 overtime loss to Canada in the Men’s Ice Hockey Gold Medal game at the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, and despite ratings figures that show nearly one third of all available American television households tuned into the afternoon game, the United States is insisting that it wasn’t really all that interested in winning another gold medal anyway.

“Yeah, we weren’t really paying much attention,” said US Olympic Committee CEO Scott Blackmun after an unexplained three day disappearance, his red eyes welling up and his nose dripping. “I mean after all, we set an Olympic record with 37 medals, so it’s not like one more gold would have made any difference or anything. It’s not like going to another country, dominating them in their own sport and stealing all the glory is something that we, as Americans, like to do anyway.”

Indeed, much of the US Sporting and Olympic committee, as well as the American public and political establishment, were in total agreement.

“Frankly I want to thank our athletes for graciously allowing Canada to win the medal that was most important to them,” observed US President Barack Obama. “This gracious gesture of goodwill should help us out immensely in future trade negotiations.”

“We all know that this country is beyond merely grabbing for sporting glory on the biggest stage possible just because it makes us feel superior and crushes the morale of a close ally. We’re bigger than all-encompassing sports superiority and I hope Canada enjoys the medal for hockey. It's not like giant Olympic hockey wins are part of this country's illustrious sporting history, anyway.” he concluded, trailing off, muttering something about “Eruzione” and “the dirty Commies.”

In addition to noting how much it totally didn’t care, America provisionally announced that it didn’t care about any sports it wasn’t overwhelmingly expected to win and that it reserved the right to not care about the 2010 World Cup. Noting that it would conditionally watch some of the opening round games before deciding whether or not it cared, reserving the right to completely not care if at any point the United States did not win.

“Who cares anyway,” the bitter superpower was heard to grumble. “American teams are still the world champions in the NBA, MLB, NFL, NHL, and MLS.”