Broken News: Advertisements Declare: You're an Emasculated Pussy

MADISON AVE—Today spokespeople for the American Advertising Industry gathered to announce to the public that they think you, the American male, are a completely emasculated pussy, undeserving of love or quality goods, a disappointment to centuries of American heroes, a spineless fuck not worthy to be called a man, and a lowly wretch that they’d beat to death if only their products weren’t the cure to your sackless existence.

“You drive a gay lady car fit for the homoest of homos… you know that, right,” asked Chevy spokesman Howie Long, star of Firestorm, 8 time Pro-Bowl Defensive End, and Pro Football Hall of Famer.

“I mean, maybe you’re comfortable letting everyone know you don’t have anything dangling between your legs except for an IOU note signed by your maker, I don’t know. All I know is that you need to buy a goddamn Chevy before some longshoreman mistakes you for a Thai lady boy and makes a proper woman out of you in some filth-strewn back alley.”

“Even if you have a pickup truck and think you’re a man, I’m here to tell you that you aren’t,” Long spat disdainfully on the ground. “I bet it’s got lady steps and a sat nav and all the faggy accoutrements of the fake tough. You need a man’s truck. A Chevy. Then maybe a woman would look you in the eye or maybe let you see a boob for the first time in your existence, you pathetic virgin. I’m going to go have sex with your mother and make sure my flattop is level.”

Other spokesmen and brands were equally as harsh on their assessment of your fitness as someone who could be identified as part of the male gender.

“I ANNOUNCE SPORTS!!!” yelled CBS sports announcer and FLO TV spokesman Jim Nantz. “And if there’s one thing I fuckin’ know, it’s that you couldn’t hack it with the athletes I cover, you unmitigated weakling. Shit, unlike Howie I bet you actually have a girlfriend. Except she’s just slowly trying to wear you down into a nub of a man with constant demands for attention, a loving relationship, and shopping trips OH MY GOD THE FUCKING SHOPPING TRIPS!!!!”

“Listen, numbnuts,” Nantz continued, dropping his voice and sidling up to you. “I understand. Sometimes you gotta do some pretty fucked up shit, like listen or be present, to get some regular pussy. Hell, we all can’t announce the Masters on CBS and have the ladies throwing panties at them 24/7. I get it. But seriously, you alleged man, just get this live mobile TV system I worked up special for you and maybe, just maybe, your forefathers won’t weep in the afterlife at the complete gaywad their DNA produced.”

Some brands weren’t as nice or as optimistic about your prospects for actually using your cock at some point as FLO TV or Chevy.

Dockers announced that not only was it suspending its “Wear the Pants” campaign, but that it was getting out of the pants business entirely. In its place they’ll just craft khaki dresses and sarongs as it is their belief that you wouldn’t know what to do with men’s clothing if it walked up to you, framed out your house, drank a sixer, dunked a basketball, and played tackle football on the street with Howie fuckin’ Long.

The Dodge Charger brand set up a fund so that any “man” who wanted one could get a free sex change and gender reassignment surgery so that society will no longer have to burden itself with pretending like you would even know what a socket set is. Furthermore they announced that they would fully provide legal funding for anyone driving their ultra-manly rippling muscle car that happened to plow it into an alleged male whilst he was doing unmanly things: like treating a woman with respect, as an equal, or as anything other than a bang maid.

PepsiCo and Frito-Lay laid out a set of guidelines that you would have to pass in order to be allowed to purchase Pepsi and Doritos. It involves quoting lines from Slap Shot and a recognition test to see whether you can discern if something they read is an article from the latest issue of Playboy or a plotline from Sex and the City. Recognition of either constitutes failure.

“We’re just looking out for you… sniveling twat that you are,” said the physical embodiment of all things manly and consumer based, the Marlboro Man. “Just look at Howie over there. His name is Howie and he looks like the bouncer at a gay bar and yet he’s… SUCH A FUCKIN' MAN that we allow him to go on TV and call you a queer on behalf of us. It’s because he drives a Chevy, wear two pairs of Dockers, and don’t take no shit from no woman. Hell, we even had Betty White on during the Super Bowl to tell you just how emasculated you are.”

“Pay attention to that kind of shit, fucko. Betty White knows what a real man is and she doesn’t see a lot of them in America these days. So buy a goddamn pick-up truck already,” he concluded before the entire group just sighed, shook their heads, and walked out the room disappointed in you and the lavender scented state of the American male.