Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Our Betters: A Celebratory Evening in the Oval Office

Barack Obama: Congratulations, Madame Speaker. You did it. We've finally passed the health care bill.

Nancy Pelosi: I can't take all the credit, Mr. President. We all worked to make this happen.

Harry Reid: Fingers crossed, we'll get this through the Senate without much trouble.

(Rahm Emanuel emerges from dumbwaiter)

Emanuel: Mr. President, as soon as you're done sucking each other's dicks, we really need to move on.

(Obama smacks Emanuel with rolled up newspaper)

Obama: Rahm, what did I tell you about using such language in the Oval Office?

Emanuel: Sorry, Mr. President. Won't happen again. Now, if we could just--

(distant jangling of ice in a glass)

Pelosi: What was that?

(barely audible cackling)

Reid: Mr. President, I thought you sent him to Israel?

Emanuel: That was weeks ago, fuckwit.

(Obama sprays water bottle in Emanuel's face)

Emanuel: Sorry, sir.

(off-key singing of "I Wanna be an Airborne Ranger", drawing closer)

Emanuel: Oh, shit.

(Obama shakes coffee can filled with coins)

Obama: SHHH! Ok, everybody. Try to be polite. With any luck, he'll get bored and wander off. And Harry, don't look him in the eye. No one look him in the eye. Remember what happened last time?

Reid: I'd rather not, sir.

(door flies open)


(throws empty glass against wall)

Biden: How come nobody told me we were celebrating in here? I'd have brought whores. And more liquor. And whores!

(lights fresh cigarillo, throws match on floor)

Obama: Well, Joe, this thing isn't quite over. We're putting together a strategy to--

Biden: My entire ass! We stomped those bitches to jelly! Them and their crazy, racist, tea-bagging vandal underlings. Did you hear those cretins are tossing bricks through windows? This is a big fuckin' deal, people! Holy fuck, I love Democracy!

(produces half-empty bottle of bourbon and four shot glasses from jacket)

Biden: That senate shit can wait a minute. Time to sack up and party. All you bitches, drink my shots!

(punches Reid in the shoulder)

Biden: You like that? One of my poker buddies literally taught me that. I think it's some sort of Native American toast. Or maybe Irish.

(takes long pull on bottle. Everyone drinks. Pelosi coughs. Biden slaps her on the ass. Hard.)

Biden: Haw! Broads in politics. What'll they think of next? Good shit, huh? Hey, Rahm!

Emanuel: Yeah?

(Biden punches Emanuel square in the face. Emanuel crumples to the carpet.)

Biden: Damn, kid, you've got a jaw like a cinderblock. I fuckin' love ya! Know what that taste in your mouth is?

Emanuel: Blood?

Biden: Bullshit! That's the taste of victory, you scheming little cock-puncher! Fuck, we gave 'em the Sioux City Sarsparilla, the ole Tuscaloosa Tango, the Tulsa Tornado, the Birmingham Bromide. We buttered their bean. We peppered their porridge. We fought and bit and scrapped and kicked and....

(Biden starts bobbing and weaving, shadowboxing what is either a small child or large midget.)

Biden: Hoo hah! I'm gonna getcha, you rascal!

(Biden slowly realizes everyone is staring at him and rights himself.)

Biden: Fuck man, be proud! I shat myself twice today, this legislation is so good. Hey Harry, come here.

Reid: I, uh...

Biden: I said get over here!

(Reid walks slowly toward Biden, who puts his hands on Reid's shoulders, tousles his hair and speaks in a fatherly voice.)

Biden: Now, Harry, you know the ball is literally in your court now. This is some serious shit. The Progressive movement has been waiting decades for us to move toward a more just, equitable and affordable health care system. And we are finally on the verge of giving this country just that. Now, when this bill goes over to the senate... hey, why are you staring at the floor?

(Reid looks at ceiling.)

Reid: I... I'm not.

Biden: Goddammit, son. Look me in the eye when I'm talking at you.

(Reid looks at Obama, who sighs and buries his face in his palm.)

Reid: I... uh, I'd rather--


(Reid obliges. Biden's eyes widen and then he just stares into space, a smirk locked in place.)

(The five of them stand there, silent. Emanuel waves a hand slowly in front of Biden's face, which doesn't move.)

Pelosi: Not again...

(Reid whimpers. Biden snaps back into consciousness.)

Biden: Huh? What the... you eyeballin' me, boy?

Reid: No, I, uh...

Biden: I think you are. Only time you stare at something that way is if you plan to fuck it or kill it. You want to fuck me, Harry?

Reid: No! Mr. Vice President, I--


(Biden produces giant claymore, swinging it wildly above his head and chasing Reid around the room.)

Reid: Help! Mr. President! Do something!

Obama: Hey Joe! It's Taco Tuesday in the cafeteria!

(Biden stops running, drops his sword, picks up his whiskey, and smooths out his rumpled suit.)

Biden: Gentlemen. Madame Speaker.

(Biden runs out of room.)

Reid: Thank you, Mr. President.

Pelosi: That was close.

Emanuel: At least the Secret Service confiscated his trident, thank Christ.

(Obama claps once, very loud.)

Obama: Rahm, that goes for blasphemy as well.

Emanuel: Sorry, sir.

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