THE 9TH CIRCLE--Early this morning, Satan gathered to his bosom the charred soul of Oscar-Winning actress Marisa Tomei, as her pact with the dark lord finally came due after Sandra Bullock received an Academy Award for Best Leading Actress for her portrayal of Leigh Anne Tuohy in The Blind Side.
"And lo, the Earth did tremble and crack, and the fires of Hell leaped forth to claim the undeserving who promised her soul in exchange for Academy recognition," said the Morning Star in a press release. "Forever shall she remain my province, my subject, my slave."
Industry insiders suggest that Tomei's seemingly untimely possession was the result of a sub-clause in the pact she made with the Devil in 1992 after being nominated for Best Supporting Actress for her role in My Cousin Vinny.
"You have to read the fine print!" exclaimed super agent Harold Lowenstein. "Right there, plain as day in section 14, clause 12. Should any actress somehow less-deserving of an Academy Award gain possession of said award during Ms. Tomei's lifetime -- and this simplistic Lifetime movie-of-the-week 'white lady teaches the blacks how to be good at sports and is in turn taught a lesson about life' bullshit eminently qualifies -- her soul is immediately forfeit and open to reclamation at the convenience of the contract's author. In this case, Lucifer."
"But I was really good in The Wrestleeeeeeerrrrrrrrr," Tomei was heard to scream into an uncaring, indifferent void as a cackling horde of Satan's unholy demonic imps dragged her down to her fiery respite.
Representatives for Ms. Bullock have already issued a statement assuring the public that the actress will be outfitted with cyanide capsules and a loaded firearm in advance of next year's Academy Awards.
Monday, March 8, 2010
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