And Boehner wept

We all know the health reform bill, now made horrible, horrible law, is completely racist. Why? Uhh... because. I don't know, Glenn Beck and Rush kept saying it was ushering in a new form of slavery or something. I don't have to explain it, I think we can all see how cheaper health care that is more accessible and available is exactly like owning humans as property and making them toil in your fields. It's valid.

But they were only hinting at the racist depths that this bill sunk to. Not only is it morally and ethically the same as slavery, but it discriminates against white people who have taken the time and effort to change their racial make-up from lily white to a sort of orange-bronze. Let Glenn Beck's understudy, Doc Thompson, enlighten you.

For years I’ve suggested that racism was in decline and yeah, there are some, you know, incidents that still happen with regards to racism, but most of the claims I’ve said for years, well, they’re not really real. But I realize now that I was wrong. For I now too feel the pain of racism. Racism has been dropped at my front door and the front door of all lighter-skinned Americans. The health care bill the president just singed into law includes a 10 percent tax on all indoor tanning sessions starting July 1st, and I say, who uses tanning? Is it dark-skinned people? I don’t think so. I would guess that most tanning sessions are from light-skinned Americans. Why would the President of the United Stats of America — a man who says he understands racism, a man who has been confronted with racism — why would he sign such a racist law? Why would he agree to do that? Well now I feel the pain of racism.

Somehow this is worse than police setting dogs and the firehoses on civil rights protesters. Where is the Martin Luther King of the tanners?

First they came for the tanning bed users, but I did not speak up because I was not one of them. Then they came for the spray on tanners and again I did not speak for I was not one of them. Then they came for the tanning cream users and I was taken away because there was no one left to speak for me.

Sure, some will say that this is a preventative health measure meant to reduce rates of skin cancer, but those people are just anti-tannists. It's a full fledged racial assault and proof positive that now only white people are the victims of racism. Squirt a dollop of Coppertone on the ground for our fallen comrades and know that this injustice will not stand. My God, they could be coming for the bikini waxers next. Stay vigilant, this racist health care bill will not stand.