Monday, March 22, 2010

Broken In Brief: Boehner Cops to Tanning Lobby Kickbacks

Rep. John Boehner addresses the media

WASHINGTON--In his first public address since the House passage of comprehensive health care reform yesterday, Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) admitted to accepting a series of bribes from the American Spa Tanning Association.

"I deeply regret this indiscretion and the shame it has brought to these halls," Boehner said during a short press conference in which he also announced he would not be resigning. "But I'm from Ohio. How else could I be expected to maintain this rich chestnut glow?"

Sources close to the minority leader admit that this ethically dubious union likely fueled Boehner's vehement opposition to an expansion of health care. At issue is the Indoor Tanning Services Tax, a seemingly innocuous measure designed to help fund the bill by imposing a 10% tax on "amounts paid for indoor tanning services."

Staffers say that this measure increasingly worried the minority leader. "He'd walk around wringing his hands talking about how this might force him to turn to spray tanning," one intern recalled. "I remember him yelling, 'I can't go down that road. I'll just be a big orange joke!' Oranger joke is more like it..."

Boehner's ongoing struggle with tanning addiction has been well documented -- his nicknames in the halls of congress have included Leatherface, Pelosi's Gardener, That Orange Crying Guy, and Edward James Olmos -- but few suspected the Minority Leader would go so far as to barter policy position for ultraviolet light.

While the specific nature of the kickbacks has not been divulged, Congressional insiders suggest that Boehner likely received reduced rates, extra punches on his "buy ten, get one" discount card, and complimentary scrotal hair removal/bikini zone scorching.

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