Monday, March 22, 2010

Life In Our New Socialist Hell

I suppose I should have been worried when the screaming ghost of Karl Marx screamed across the sky, laughing and on fire. This was just before the health care vote, I noted, should we be worried about what comes after? As we now know the answer was yes.

Soon after the last vote was cast the earth cracked open, flames shot out from below, and all manner of imps and demons began to crawl out of hell to torment and bedevil humanity. We had not heeded the warnings of the GOP, we foolishly wished for better health care, and in getting that better health care we ripped a hole in reality and freed the devil from his underground prison. Now winged serpents patrol the skies, there's an increase in the amount of pale horsemen sightings, gags of imps are ripping into and devouring any human they see, large groups of hell hounds control most major cities, and we all saw what happened to Indianapolis. The screams... I'd say "My God" but it's clear God has abandoned us, no longer choosing to bless our country, it is clear He has moved on to bless another country that has not fallen victim to the ills of socialist health care. He will tell them of His investing secrets and free market ideals and they will prosper.

On the other hand, dependents can now stay on their parents plans until they're 26 and the drug price donut hole for seniors was closed, so that's nice. Well, it would be if there were any seniors still alive. As predicted, the death panels came for the elders at midnight. Oh these were not jackbooted police forces taking everyone over 70 to judges at a tribunal. No, the elderly simply simultaneously dropped dead as the clock changed over from 11:59. In a press statement later released through the now state run news, Emperor Obama noted that nanobots had taken care of our elderly problem and showed a chart listing the savings that were achieved from such a cost effective measure. The death panels were nanobots, Sarah Palin didn't see that coming.

On the bright side, with every old person dead and demons eating those who venture out into the streets of major cities, jobs are plentiful and mandatory. So now I must go before the work whistle blows and afternoon exercises start under the large picture of a smiling Obama that has been placed on the largest wall of the boot factory the government jobs service placed me at. We have to fill an order of 500,000 boots for trade with Venezuela.

As a man shrieks at me over a loudspeaker to make boots faster lest my family be killed for my insufficient commitment to the cause, large wyverns and demons lay waste to our infrastructure, and Father Obama names himself Life Ruler of the Sovereign Socialist States of Obamerica, I ask you: was health care really worth it? It completely ruined this country, just like the Republicans said. OK, they didn't say anything about the shrieking monster that spits acid and tries to mate with all vehicles, but I think they strongly implied that's what would crawl out of hell if we ignored their warnings and broke the seventh seal by refusing to allow insurance companies to discriminate based on pre-existing conditions.

I just thank God the public option was removed from the bill. Who knows what we might have unleashed had that passed.

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