Friday, March 19, 2010

Broken News: Millions of American Protestants Thought Themselves Welcome at St. Patrick's Day Celebrations

EAST O KERRY, SOUTH O CORK—As inebriated street brawls were broken up and millions on tons of sawdust were thrown on millions of tons of vomit to officially close this year's St. Patrick’s Day festivities, millions of non-Catholics, specifically Protestants, remained ignorant that their presence was unwelcome at the Bacchanalian merriment.

“Whoooo! Another awesome St. Pat’s in the books! Whoo!” shouted James Kenny, an inebriated banker, Protestant, and part-time stand in and cipher for all the followers of Martin Luther as he tipsily walked down the street. “Good to celebrate the ‘ole Irish heritage with a bit of drinking and singing of some Irish folk tunes. It’s a great day to celebrate Ireland.”

When told that the St. Patrick’s Day holiday was not in fact a celebration of Ireland, but a Catholic religious holiday, Kenny initially seemed confused.

“Cath-o-what?” the poor man said, trying to steady himself as he pissed against a wall.

“Let me help you understand,” offered nearby Irish historian and parade rainer, Francis Connor.

“The first tip off that this is a Catholic holiday is that it is a day celebrating a Saint. You assholes use that phrase to refer to anyone who follows Christ and think our use of it is a kind of idolatry. We, more sensibly, use it to refer to those who have done magical shit in the name of God; like drive all the snakes out of Ireland. This is a basic schism in the Catholic-Protestant divide.”

“Nah, but… green and shit. Color of Ireland! Erin go bragh!” the poor foolish man said as he wobbled down the street.

“Point of fact, blue is actually the national color of Ireland,” Connor explained, hoping to ruin all further St. Patrick’s Days for this man. “More specifically light blue is the color associated with St. Patrick himself. Actually on the English Royal Standard, Ireland is represented by a harp”

“Harp ale! And a Guinness, my good man,” Kenny yelled to a barkeeper he had hallucinated.

“By a harp on a field of blue,” Connor pedantically continued.

“People traditionally use green to describe Ireland because the place is itself to green and is nicknamed the emerald isle. In actuality the use of green as a specifically ‘Irish’ color is only used by ignorant Americans. Green is actually the color of Irish Catholics. Orange is the color of Irish Protestants… and the Dutch. It’s all symbolized on the Irish flag: green on the left for Catholics, orange on the right for Protestants, and white in the middle to symbolize peace between them.”

“Did you see any fucking orange or light blue around?” Conner asked.

“Yeah, buzzat’s juuuscuz people donwanna get pinched,” Kenny continued, flagrantly violating open container and public intoxication laws.

“No, dear boy, the pinching of people who don’t wear green is just a low level version of another longstanding Irish Catholic tradition: violence against those who aren’t Irish Catholics,” explained Conner, whilst punching the shit out of two girls who were not wearing green.

“Ibbet your gonna try to ruin shamrocks for me now. Shamrock shakes too,” Kenny screamed.

“Precisely! Shamrocks were used by St. Patrick to illustrate the Trinity and also were a symbol of Catholic rebellion against religious persecution,” Connor continued, sucking the life out of a holiday that is now essentially about getting three sheets to the wind while listening to ‘Shipping Up to Boston’ on a continuous loop.

“Shamrock shakes, on the other hand, fucking own!”

With that declaration, a group surrounding the two men, hoping that they would eventually get into a bloody religious tinged drunken fight, broke into a raucous cheer and looked around for the nearest McDonald’s.

“Fuggoff, I just want to get drunk,” Kenny explained, before choosing a spot in an alley where he felt comfortable sleeping.

With those words, Connor smiled. Knowing that Kenny finally understood the true meaning of St. Patrick’s Day, he left to go find another Protestant he could give the same speech to. Hoping that the next time, he’d actually be able to goad the man into a fight.

No comments: