Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Never Again Will We Have to Conjure a Euphemism for "Vagina"

Somehow lost in all the high drama and higher idiocy surrounding the health care debate is the well-being of the very device that enabled all of us to be sitting here around the campfire, yelling with our ears covered. I speak not of government initiative, parliamentary procedure, or the coming armed revolution of the toothless. No, I am speaking of the vagina. More specifically, of the feminine hygiene products commonly used on or in or around said vagina.

Aside from the semi-infrequent instances of Matthew calling Michele Bachmann a "loopy cunt," We Bastards do not often discuss the vagina, choosing to stick with the whole guttermouthed political commentary with occasional zombie update voodoo that we do so well. Moreover, politics is largely the province of men. How else could one explain it's unrelenting, abject stupidity?

However, as steadfast advocates of clean and healthy vaginas -- like most everyone, I emerged from one, whereas the monastery brought a restraining order against Matthew that is still part of an ongoing investigation -- we are honor-bound to endorse
this product, for reasons that shall soon be blindingly conspicuous.
The Mooncup® is the original silicone menstrual cup designed by women to be a convenient, safe and eco-friendly alternative to tampons and sanitary pads.
Smashing. Nothing wrong with cramming some green technology into this sector, especially if women are made healthier and happier in the process. But what, exactly, does one call this area of the body?

Happily, the Mooncup page has lent us a hand, and in the process begun compiling an astounding collection of euphemisms. Go HERE, scroll all the way to the bottom and click on the "Tell us what you call yours" button. Some of our favorite results:
  • Margaret Thatcher
  • The Mouse Ear
  • Fuckifuckiplace
  • My Full English Breakfast
  • Moon Base 1
  • Doosje ('little box' in Dutch)
  • Madame Feubeuleubeuleu
  • Sonic the Hedgehog
  • Map of Tasmania
  • Lost Valley of the Dinosaurs
  • Great Cthulhu
  • Democrats*
...and, my personal favorite, The Downtown Dining and Entertainment District.

As of this writing the current leader, with 3,124 votes --
more than 2,300 votes more than the second place entry -- is... wait for it... Moot.

Well done, Anonymous. And now, back to Armageddon that health care stuff.

* - This is the only one I made up, I swear.

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