What we get

Now that the House has passed health care reform, there's going to be a lot of sitting around, waiting for most of it to kick in. Hell, most of the major stuff doesn't kick in until 2014, by which time we'll be in the second year of a Palin Presidency and most of us men will be running through the streets of Tehran engaging in building to building skirmishes after carpet bombing has knocked out most of the Iranian infrastructure.

But until that bloody day comes there are some things that do go into effect immediately. Representative John B. Larson (D-CT), Chairman of the House Democratic Caucus and one of the men who chose to commit this country to the principles of Vladimir Lenin, was kind enough to point some of those out so that you might not think this was all a giant waste of your time.

• Prohibit pre-existing condition exclusions for children in all new plans;
• Free tire pressure gauge;
• You know that thing where you bleed out of your ass and ear every time you sneeze and certain frequencies of sound, i.e. most frequencies of sound, cause you to convulse in epileptic fits? Yeah, you can go get that checked out now;
  
• Provide immediate access to insurance for uninsured Americans who are uninsured because of a pre-existing condition through a temporary high-risk pool;
• A complementary photo of your grandmother from the Sears Portrait Studio, so that you'll have something to remember her by;
  
• Prohibit dropping people from coverage when they get sick in all individual plans;
• You'll only be mostly bankrupted by you decision to get that broken wrist looked at, instead of completely bankrupted;
  
• A six step guide showing you how to do a proper pimp strut for when walking in front of Republican friends;
  
• Lower seniors' prescription drug prices by beginning to close the donut hole;
• Half price on donut holes at all participating Dunkin' Donuts;
  
• One free bullet, should you feel the waiting list for socialized health care is too long and you want to do this county's overstressed services a solid;
  
• Voucher for one free abortion from an illegal immigrant to be redeemed at any Wal-Mart of your choosing;
  
• Eliminate lifetime limits and restrictive annual limits on benefits in all plans;
• The ability to no longer be completely mocked by foreigners here or abroad when you mention anything medical;
  
• Require new plans to cover preventive services and immunizations without cost-sharing;
• Will be required to "Rub some 'tussin on it' before being allowed to use government medical services. Should initial application of Robitussin not work, you will be allowed medical treatment pending a smell test of the afflicted area for grape, cherry, or new orange flavour.
  
• Tangible movement towards a saner society... you know after the Tea Party bullshit dies down;
  
• Require premium rebates to enrollees from insurers with high administrative expenditures and require public disclosure of the percent of premiums applied to overhead costs;
• Fuck it, you've got health care, put as much mayonnaise on that sandwich as you want;
• Fuck it, he's got health care, listen to your sensei and SWEEP THE LEG;
• Rest easy knowing you'll never have to hear any interminable bullshit about legislative procedure, Bob Stupak, and death panels ever again.

There's more, but you'll have to click on the link to read it. Here's the full implementation timeline for the complete devolving of this once great country into a writhing, weak, nanny state mess of socialism. They've even gone to the trouble of predicting the exact date that Ben Franklin and our founding fathers weep in the afterlife for what we've done to their country.