Broken in Brief: Enraged Thomas Jefferson Curses Texas from Afterlife

THE HEREAFTER—A torrent of curses and abuse directed towards the American state of Texas emanated from Heaven today as Founding Father Thomas Jefferson was informed that he had been removed from mandatory history teaching requirements for the Lone Star State. Given that Texas' textbook selection traditionally influences which books publishers will purchase, and therefore what curriculum will be adopted in other states, Jefferson is on the verge of vanishing from American history altogether.

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck me! What’s a guy gotta do to get into a US history book?” the 3rd President and principal author of the Declaration on Independence yelled while stomping on cherub angels.

“Shit, I was only one of the most influential founders. Don’t believe me? Look at a fucking nickel! Or the two dollar bill! Wait, do they even use those anymore? Another indignity! I regret ever spawning this country!”

Sources close to Jefferson say he always knew not to trust Texas and was worried that they’d be the ones to make a move against him and strike him from a list of figures of historical importance.

“Even though he died ten years before they became the Republic of Texas and twenty years before they became a state, he knew not to trust that general geographic landmass,” a close confidant revealed.

“How soon they forget the Declaration, the Louisiana Purchase, the Lewis and Clark expedition, and setting the groundwork for a second war with Britain,” the leading Enlightenment thinker raged in his heavenly study. “Monticello, hello? That building rocked people's shit. This is about the separation of church and state thing, right? I always knew those religious freaks would be my undoing. I told Franklin that we needed to ban that shit, but he was too busy fucking French women and fiddling with that goddamn printing press. Un-fucking-believable...”

Sources close to Jefferson say he is so enraged that he’d likely slap his black mistress were his spirit not residing in its own version of heaven where blacks were kept separate from him. They expect Jefferson will enlist Thomas Paine to help write a treatise imploring God to smash Texas into nothing with flaming rocks.