Shamu and God

God is an angry wizard, that much is certain. When we anger him he casts down judgment in the form of unspeakable horrors. Category Five hurricanes because of the gays. Terrorist attacks because of the gays. Giant country destroying earthquakes because of the blacks making a pact with the devil. Also: probably a little about the gays.

And how do we know this? Well 15 minutes after it happens some helpful thumper of a bible, usually Pat Robertson, comes out and tells us so... and, if you wouldn't mind, asks for a donation. Now as our most amusing, leaping sea creatures rise up against us instead of entertaining the whole family, we can only ask one thing: what have the gays done this time? Oh enlighten us, American Family Association.

Chalk another death up to animal rights insanity and to the ongoing failure of the West to take counsel on practical matters from the Scripture. [...] Says the ancient civil code of Israel, “When an ox gores a man or woman to death, the ox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten, but the owner shall not be liable.” (Exodus 21:28) So, your animal kills somebody, your moral responsibility is to put that animal to death. You have no moral culpability in the death, because you didn’t know the animal was going to go postal on somebody. But, the Scripture soberly warns, if one of your animals kills a second time because you didn’t kill it after it claimed its first human victim, this time you die right along with your animal. To use the example from Exodus, if your ox kills a second time, “the ox shall be stoned, and its owner also shall be put to death.” (Exodus 21:29)

You're off the hook, gays. Shamu went nuts because Sea World doesn't properly follow Exodus in it's animal handling guidelines.... among other basic safety issues it doesn't follow. For some reason the Sea World Corporation are also against killing their own handlers as punishment. And so God has cursed them yet again. The Bible is an informative How-To guide, not just spiritually, but in the running of your amusement park.

But I think it's too pat an answer to blame the Christian God for his hand in orca related deaths. Smiting Haiti and New Orleans? Of course, that makes sense. But I think we can squarely put the blame for this one on Neptune. We have stolen His sea creatures from His oceans, and he is slowly taking his revenge by killing marine biologists one by one. Or perhaps the Snorks are behind it, I don't know. All I know is that God doesn't usually wet his beak in this penny ante death stuff. God plays big, bets big, wins big.

So just in case you forgot, the AFA would like to remind you: God is responsible for everything horrible that makes the news. Doesn't that just make you want to rush out and find religion?