The old bitch barely looks 234

Happy National Eat a Flag Burger and Throw An M-80 Day. You aren't doing your part as a patriotic American unless you're wearing a t-shirt with at least three eagles, ten flags, and one reference to either war, 9/11, or freedom and the fact that the price of said freedom isn't free.

In celebration of this day I give you patriotic dogs, a documentary of our actual founding fathers and the Continental Congress, and our new anthem.

Quote of the day

Mike Huckabee (R-Unemployed) expounding on all the deep thought he's done on gay marriage beyond "I think it's what the Invisible Man In The Sky wants".

"Male and female are biologically compatible to have a relationship. We can get into the ick factor, but the fact is two men in a relationship, two women in a relationship, biologically, that doesn't work the same." Huckabee said in a recent New Yorker profile.

Ah yes, the "ick factor". This is clearly an important reason to deny people legal protections and recognition that their relationships are second class: because you get the willies when you think about two men kissing... which is something you think about more than a gay guy would.

I believe it was God who said to Moses while he was appearing as a burning bush:

"Mo, I know I didn't make this a Commandment or anything, but make it clear to my people that I want it understood that things that make you get the willies in your gut when you think about them are also no-no's. Use that word: no-no's. I mean some things are just *shudders* weird, you know? Two dudes smooching and getting married is right out! Two ladies kissing? That's a party. So sayeth the Lord!"

I also believe it's in the Constitution. Something about "If in the course of events you find that the freedoms enumerated in this document are too much and are allowing for things that make you feel weird because you don't understand them, feel free to outlaw them. We are of course talking about James Madison and his 'manservant'. Ick."

I mean isn't that the standard by which things should be measured? If something makes an old Southern religious guy go "Ewwwwwww", we shouldn't allow it. I mean... dangling naughty bits... of the same sex..... touching? Ewwwwwww. Sorry gays, try to ask for legal rights in an area that doesn't make Mike Huckabee's testicles shoot up into his chest. And don't try to counter with some legal mumbo jumbo or a human rights type response. Huck is really wierded out by two men kissing, so you can't be allowed to marry. Obviously. Who can argue with such an intelligent defense of "traditional" marriage?

God I love the Teabaggers

Anyone want to guess what state he's running for Congress in? Sorry Texas, you lose this round: it's Alabama. Tyrannical government! IRS! The Census! Oppression! Evils... being perpetrated! Gather.... your... armies.

Funny side note, if you actually read the Constitution you'll find that in the treason/impeachment section under high crimes and misdemeanors, "being a black President" is listed as the #1 offense. James Madison had in bolded and underlined. So I think he has a case.

Broken in Brief: Enraged Thomas Jefferson Curses Texas from Afterlife

THE HEREAFTER—A torrent of curses and abuse directed towards the American state of Texas emanated from Heaven today as Founding Father Thomas Jefferson was informed that he had been removed from mandatory history teaching requirements for the Lone Star State. Given that Texas' textbook selection traditionally influences which books publishers will purchase, and therefore what curriculum will be adopted in other states, Jefferson is on the verge of vanishing from American history altogether.

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck me! What’s a guy gotta do to get into a US history book?” the 3rd President and principal author of the Declaration on Independence yelled while stomping on cherub angels.

“Shit, I was only one of the most influential founders. Don’t believe me? Look at a fucking nickel! Or the two dollar bill! Wait, do they even use those anymore? Another indignity! I regret ever spawning this country!”

Sources close to Jefferson say he always knew not to trust Texas and was worried that they’d be the ones to make a move against him and strike him from a list of figures of historical importance.

“Even though he died ten years before they became the Republic of Texas and twenty years before they became a state, he knew not to trust that general geographic landmass,” a close confidant revealed.

“How soon they forget the Declaration, the Louisiana Purchase, the Lewis and Clark expedition, and setting the groundwork for a second war with Britain,” the leading Enlightenment thinker raged in his heavenly study. “Monticello, hello? That building rocked people's shit. This is about the separation of church and state thing, right? I always knew those religious freaks would be my undoing. I told Franklin that we needed to ban that shit, but he was too busy fucking French women and fiddling with that goddamn printing press. Un-fucking-believable...”

Sources close to Jefferson say he is so enraged that he’d likely slap his black mistress were his spirit not residing in its own version of heaven where blacks were kept separate from him. They expect Jefferson will enlist Thomas Paine to help write a treatise imploring God to smash Texas into nothing with flaming rocks.

Happy 4th

May your day be filled with freedom, charred meats, and low grade, Chinese manufactured explosives.

Look before you leap

As Obama prepared to give his speech yesterday the RNC was looking for anything to hit him for and criticize him for. And why not, that's their job. So as the gerbils ran furiously around the wheel in Michael Steele's head, he finally seized upon what he thought was a slice of fried gold: Obama was making a point to speak in the hall of the place that held the Constitution and the son of a bitch once had the nerve to call that document "fundamentally flawed". Jackpot! To the Twitter-machine!

RNC: as he prepares to deliver remarks in hall that holds the constitution, flashback obama: "constitution flawed" http://bit.ly/tFL7O #RNC [Twitter, 5/21/09]

The problem? The fundamental flaw Obama was referring to was the fact that the Constitution not only allowed slavery, but only counted black people as 3/5th's of a person. That the framers did not see blacks or slavery as "a moral problem involving persons of moral worth."

So the RNC basically just went out of it's way to criticize the President for thinking that blacks should have been bumped up to a whole 5/5th's and maybe got paid for their work. It's a bold strategy. The "We believe the Constitution was so right that we need to go back to using the 3/5th's compromise" move is a risky gambit, but I can see why the RNC wants to try it.

I'm not sure the Democrats will go for it, so I think I've come up with a new compromise: blacks go back to 3/5th's but we bump gays up to having the marital rights of 2/5th's of a person. Add it in together and that constitutes the two groups having the rights of a full person. We honor the Constitution like the RNC now thinks we should (except for the parts about the President followin' laws and stuff) and we make our country 2/5th's of the way more progressive towards gays. Win-win.