Broken in Brief: Fringe religious cult celebrates the impossible

INTERNATIONAL--A marginal faction of deeply religious individuals reportedly commemorated yesterday the birth of their deity, a multidimensional Jewish zombie thought to have stalked the earth roughly two thousand years ago.

Supposedly, the twelve-day festival consists of group prayer and singing, as well as fractious, often intoxicated extended-family interaction. Most notable, however, is the ensuing colossal rush of petty consumerism that directly contradicts much of what the entity supposedly preached during his brief lifetime.

While specific details of the belief structure are not known, research indicates that adherents gather annually to celebrate the virgin birth of the entity, who is capable of granting immortality to his followers, with whom he communicates telepathically. According to the legend, all of Earth's inhabitants are born with an "original sin" on their "soul" that was placed there by the entity's father as punishment for the deplorable conduct of a woman hatched from a man's rib cage who followed the advice of a talking snake and ate an apple.

The FBI Center on Religious Extremism and Cults has warned that this fringe group has disguised their holiday to fit in with the more popular pagan celebrations of the Winter Solstice, the Saturnalia, and the Kalends, both to avoid arousing suspicion and to convert susceptible minds to their pilfered traditions. Lead expert Nicholas DePascha warns, "Do not be taken in by their appropriations of Asheria's love of the evergreen nor their bizarre conflagration of Norse mythology and Druid rituals into bizarre mistletoe kissing rituals. These are nothing but covers for a dangerous ideology that must be stopped at all costs."