Thursday, December 18, 2008

Broken News: Persistent, violent weather patterns declared temporary, mild

WASHINGTON—After what has been deemed a "thorough review," today the Bush Administration released a joint review from the National Weather Service, Environmental Protection Agency, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, and the Office of the White House Chief of Staff stating that the increasingly bizarre, violent, strange, and unpredictable weather patterns of the last few years to be a temporary condition that in no way related to global warming in any way.

“Listen, this is all part of the natural cycle of things,” observed EPA Undersecretary and Liberty University Chair Jason Slattery. “Frankly I think the earth has decided ‘enough tropical hurricanes in the north’ and has decided to send them much more frequently to the colder waters of South America where they never used to hit. The fact these disasters are now a weekly occurrence now is Mother Earth just balancing things out after eons of hurricanes and cyclones happening one way and one way only. Fair is fair.”

Furthermore the report stresses that the increase in the level of Category 4 and 5 hurricanes also had nothing to do with increased CO2 levels warming the waters on the Atlantic and Gulf of Mexico. In fact the report goes so far to stress that man made actions have had no effect on climate that a separate GAO study revealed that this report used the most bolded statements, underlined sentences, exclamation points, and uses of the phrases “because we said so”, “trust us”, and “listen, we know what we’re talking about” in the history of US Government.

“People are so quick to lump everything in with global warming,” noted government spokesman Eric Frost. “All we’re saying is ‘No, it isn’t and if you ever mention it we’ll fire you and pull your funding.’ But these Al Gore types don’t want to hear it. It’s all climate change this, hurricanes that, New Orleans this, global catastrophe that. Maybe they just don’t want to face the real facts here: the hurricanes have been testing our defenses for years and now that they know our weaknesses, they’re attacking them at full strength. Where’s the slideshow about that?”

He continued “Plus, I read on a message board that some scientists in the seventies once thought the globe was cooling or something and that totally didn’t happen. So, I think we see how all science is invalid as a result.”

But it isn’t just limited to hurricanes. In the last year climate scientists have reported the rise of 8.0 magnitude earthquakes, an increase in the frequency and intensity of tornadoes, exploding mountains, rivers of acid, the existence of marauding clouds of pure electricity, and an under-reported story from last month: a cyclone made of fire, flaming hail, and sulfur that ravaged the southern coast of Africa.

When asked to explain the Infernocane, the Bush Administration attributed the fire storm to biblical end times prophecy and “…clearly not the result of decades of unchecked industrial emissions and flammable substances” and denied any connection to the napalm factory that it commissioned and opened in Johannesburg last year.

When asked for any scientific proof to back these assertions the Administration just handed out copies of the Left Behind book series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins with a not that we should “…prepare to have our fuckin’ minds blown.” When further pressed for a better explanation during today’s announcement press conference Mr. Frost simply said “Uhhhhh…sun…spots? More of them? Sun…fire…wind. That sounds…plausible.” before abruptly ending the session.

Slattery offered another perspective “When balanced against, say, the fires of creation, the forging of the planet, the meteor/alien conspiracy that killed the dinosaurs, Vesuvius, the sinking of the continent of Atlantis, the crucifixion of Jesus, every nuke in the world simultaneously being launched and detonating, I think you’ll find things like massive, constant lightning attacks, five mile high tornados, mud slides in areas with no mud or hills for it to slide on, the evaporation of 70% of the world’s drinkable water, and the incineration of the lower half of Africa by means of a fire storm to be relatively mild when compared side to side.”

It was the final conclusion of the report that there was “nothing to see here” and that everyone should just “move along now.” The government hopes that these completely placid and common weather patterns will run their course, but have advised citizens that they might need to endure a few thousand years of sweltering heat, destroyed coasts, and the desertification of all crop land before there is a noticeable improvement.

No comments: