Monday, December 8, 2008

Broken In Brief: Big Three need to 'talk to manager' before signing off on bailout deal

WASHINGTON--With news of Congress pushing forward with a provisional emergency bailout of $15 billion in emergency funds for the nation’s beleaguered car manufacturers, negotiations have hit a standstill with the Big Three automakers putting the talks on a temporary hold. When asked why they would halt such crucial negotiations a spokesman for the Big Three said that “While they really wanted to continue with these negotiations, Messrs. Wagoner, Mullaly, and Nardelli need to check with their manager to see if they can knock a few dollars off the price of this deal.“

Complicating matters is the fact that their manager, Mr. Carruthers, is a noted hardass when it comes to negotiations. In land use negotiations for a SUV plant with the state of Michigan in the early nineties, Carruthers reportedly balked at many of the concessions the state wanted him to make, eventually holding out and making the state not only give him the land but also pay full price for a layer of TruCoat, rustproofing, spare keys, and a finder’s fee on a tan Ford Fiesta.

Sources close to the negotiations say that Majority Leader Harry Reid was all ready to cave into the high pressure sales tactics of the automakers and give them not only $70 billion, but also get the Sports Package, mag wheels, and pay for dealer prep. This was scuttled at the last minute as Senator Reid’s dad stepped in and handled the negotiations. A spokesman for the Big Three said that “We still have high hopes that we can get the US Government into a bailout they feel comfortable with,” but stressed that if they went any further they’d “…lose their shirt on the deal,” and that Reid’s dad was “…taking food out of their baby’s mouth,” adding that, “We’ll do anything it takes to get you to sign on that line today.”

Analysts fear that there won’t be any progress until tomorrow, as Mr. Carruthers has just stepped out for lunch and they aren’t sure when he’ll be back. However, the automakers assured our elected representatives that they do have some interesting options packages if the US Government wants to take a look.

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