Broken News: Ted Stevens waives appeal, joins Latin prison gang

ANCHORAGE—In a surprising move today former Alaska Senator Ted Stevens, recently convicted on seven felony counts of failing to report gifts and making false statements, waived his pending appeal of the verdict and voluntarily surrendered himself in to the authorities. According to Anchorage police, Stevens will be turned over to the U.S. Federal Marshall’s office whereupon he will be transported to the nearest Supermax facility, Pelican Bay State Prison in California.

When asked what possessed Stevens to take such a drastic measure, his spokesman explained, “With four decades of service brought to an end with his defeat last month, Mr. Stevens has decided to move on to new challenges. Mr. Stevens will submit himself to immediate incarceration and has accepted a position within the Nuestra Familia prison gang. He looks forward to using this time to build relationships and eventually, God willing, rise to a senior position within the group. Given the obvious extent of his guilt, Mr. Stevens believes that dragging this out any further would be a waste of time and taxpayer dollars.”

Reaction was surprisingly positive amongst Stevens' former colleagues on Capitol Hill. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell remarked, “I think it’s a brilliant move. Show those cholos and pendejos he’s committed to the, ‘Thug Life’, as I believe it's called. Surely the lessons he’s learned through his decades of service in the United States Senate and as a member in good standing of the Republican party will be equally applicable in a Mexican prison gang.”

Congressional historians anticipate no shortage of similarities between Stevens' rise through the Pelican Bay branch of Nuestra Familia and his rapid ascent to one of the most powerful senators in recent history. Many still remember the senator's first day in 1969 when, during an open floor session honoring retired President Pro Tempore Carl Hayden of Arizona, Stevens walked up to the man referred to as the “Silent Senator” and jabbed a pen into his neck, daring all present to “fuck with an OG from Nome.”

“Oh yeah, no one forgets that kind of thing,” remembered Larry Pendersen, a traumatized Senate page from the 90th and 91st US Congresses. “They say he got that pen from Girl Scout troop 1187. After he shanked Senator Hayden, he went back to his office, ordered ten boxes of Thin Mints, then used that same pen to write a note to the troop, thanking them for their thoughtful gift. After that, people knew he meant business and started to give him prime committee slots."

Former Democratic Senator and Presidential Candidate, Mike Gravel, spoke in uncharacteristically hushed tones about some of Stevens' darker moments. "He used to wander the halls of the Senate late at night, running a sharpened broom handle along the walls. Once, when I was working late, he came into my office, sat down across from me and talked for close to an hour about logging rights. The entire time, he stared straight into my eyes and ran the tip of that broom handle underneath his fingernails. Sometimes I still see it in my dreams."

When asked about Stevens' chances of success in this new endeavor, Pendersen suggested, "Honestly, I don't think Nuestra Familia knows what they’re getting into, what they've unleashed. He’ll have that gang running the drug and murder rackets in Pelican Bay within six months, just you wait.”

La Nuestra Familia has fallen on hard times as of late, with federal infiltration, arrests, and ongoing wars with both the Mexican Mafia and Aryan Brotherhood taking a toll on membership. The hope within the group is that by initiating such an experienced hand and noted hardass, the gang's future will brighten. Insiders have suggested Stevens' initial focus will be on updating the gang's formal written constitution and expand their business model beyond drug trafficking and brutal contract killings.

Sources close to the Senator say that he is exited to start his new life inside prison and is welcoming the upcoming challenges in earning the trust of his Latin brethren. They say he’s ready to build up the strength of the gang and reignite the battle with the Aryan Brotherhood and the Nazi Lowriders for control of former Familia strongholds and cell blocks. Stevens Chief of Staff George Lowe stated that “The Senator has watched every episode of OZ and is willing and able to defecate on the head of Schillinger or his Pelican Bay Nazi equivalent.”

In the moments between his exit from the Anchorage police station to a federal transport, a red bandana clad Stevens was asked why he had decided to join a Latin prison gang. The Senator paused, flashed a 1 and 4 with his fingers, showed off a tattoo with a dagger and a sombrero, and yelled out “Blood in, blood out, puta!” before being ushered into the back of the transport van.