Friday, December 19, 2008

Broken In Brief: Liberal activists pry guns from Heston's cold dead hands

BEVERLY HILLS—In what has been declared a “stunning and shocking raid,” this morning the gravesite of renowned actor Charlton Heston was discovered dug up, the two rifles with which he was buried missing and presumed pried from his cold, dead hands. The rifles, one a replica from his western film Will Penny, the other an honorary rifle given to him by the NRA after his third heartless rejoinder to a family suffering a gun-related tragedy, are being held by the liberal National Coalition of Hippie Peaceniks, who have claimed responsibility for the grave robbing.

In a statement released to the media, the NCHP stated, “We have struck a blow for all literal-minded activist organizations with too much time on their hands. He literally asked for this and you people had to know it was coming. We have his guns and have taken them in the manner in which he prescribed. Furthermore we will dig up the grave of any celebrity to prove a cheap point to an inanimate corpse. We would like to think Mr. Heston is looking up and smiling, knowing that we totally got him. We also dinged the shit out of his coffin and trod on his decaying sternum. Moral victories abound!”

The police at this point are unable to do anything, as Heston’s statement is viewed under California law as a direct challenge to grave robbers. “Look if Chuck didn’t want those guns stolen, he shouldn’t have dared the criminal community to come steal them,” explained Deputy Sergeant Robert Thorn. “At the very least he should have fortified his grave better. Sealing it in cement, 24 hour guard duty, or perhaps a mini-gun with a motion sensor set to fire on anyone who approached. I frankly find it shocking that he would so brazenly leave his grave vulnerable. Unless he coated those guns in a poison or some sort of nasty plague. I guess we won’t know about that for a while. What I’m saying is: it was his fault.”

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