Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Broken News: Blagojevich to challenge Kennedy for Clinton's Senate Seat

CHICAGO--Responding to the news that Caroline Kennedy has chosen to pursue the senate seat being vacated by Hillary Clinton, Illinois Governor Rob Blagojevich today declared his intention to run against her. This surprise announcement came just after the Illinois House voted 113-0 in favor of beginning impeachment proceedings against Gov. Blagojevich by investigating his alleged abuse of office revealed one week ago.

Speaking from behind a large oak desk in Chicago, Blagojevich explained, "Just because I [expletive deleted]-ing [expletive deleted]ed-up the last [expletive deleted]-ing time doesn't [expletive deleted]-ing mean I don't deserve another [expletive deleted]-ing shot. After all, this is mother[expletive deleted]-ing America. How much does that blind [expletive deleted] want for this seat? I know some Indians flush with cash that are eager to buy a favor from a governor. He's gotta know I'm [expletive deleted]-ing tapped out since the Feds came down on me. Who do I gotta [expletive deleted] to get that money spigot turned back the [expletive deleted] on?"

Jostled from their peaceful slumber, journalists asked how the governor, suddenly bereft of virtually all political capital, planned to mount a legitimate campaign in a state he doesn't even live in. Blagojevich spokeswoman, Marissa Florentine, replied "The Governor is confident that he still has plenty to leverage against whatever ill will might emerge from what we urge you to remember is still an ongoing investigation. For instance, he still has a fetching wife and two young, healthy children who should demand a good price, even in these difficult economic times. Are you really suggesting there aren't a few New York State legislators who wouldn't mind having a go at the governor's spouse?"

In a taped call released by Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald to reporters later in the day, Blagojevich insisted that he expected good things from the decision. "It's [expletive deleted]-ing perfect! I've obviously run my course in that hayseed [expletive deleted]-house of a [expletive deleted]-ing Governor's mansion. But I think it's safe to [expletive deleted]-ing say I've made my name as a morally repugnant criminal [expletive deleted]-ing horse trader worthy of the United States mother-[expletive deleted]-ing Senate!"

Spokespeople for Caroline Kennedy issued a statement almost immediately.

"We have no comment on Governor Blagojevich's decision and wish him all the best in what we are sure will be a quick conviction and aborted candidacy," said Kennedy's spokesperson Richard Finnegan. "At this point, we would prefer that everyone focuses on Ms. Kennedy's declaration of eligibility, her last name, Camelot, her last name, back and to the left, and her last name."

When asked politely to clarify what else, exactly, the Kennedy camps would prefer the press focus on, Finnegan scoffed and said, "How about her candidacy? You know, the fact that she has decided to grace the Senate with her presence? What, that isn't good enough for you? Well, we in camp Kennedy believe that another pampered scion of America's most famous monarchy will help bring about the change this country so clearly needs. That's the thing you people all go ape-[expletive deleted] over, right? Change?"

Finnegan continued, "Who should Patterson pick, an experienced legislator with years spent running for office and fighting for traditionally Democratic causes? If he can find one that fell out of a more famous vagina, we say go for it." Finnegan then concluded by chanting "Ken-ed-dy!" in a sing-song tone that slowly and deliberately lowered in volume.

Asked to comment on the spectacle that has ensued since Sen. Hillary Clinton was tapped to assume the post of Secretary of State under President-Elect Obama, New York Governor David Patterson had little to say. Just after sighing and muttering something about "dumb mother-[expletive deleted]s", the governor, otherwise occupied with attempting to shore up a projected $1.5 Billion state budget deficit, promptly turned his attention back to matters that directly affect the 99.99999% of the population not chasing their next big payoff or merit badge.

Told of Patterson's comment, or lack thereof, Blagojevich said, "I got that guy in my [expletive deleted]-ing pocket. You know them sweet sunglasses? I'm talking Rain Man style? Got a whole case of 'em for the guy. Just for being prettier than a [expletive deleted]-ing [expletive deleted] on [expletive deleted]-ing prom night after she's had her [expletive deleted] fifth [expletive deleted]-ing martini. Do they make stacks of cash in braille? No?" The Governor then added, "[expletive deleted]!"

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