Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Broken News: Executives Pledge new Concessions in Bid for Aid

WASHINGTON--The chief executive officers of Ford Motor Co. and General Motors Corp., encouraged by sudden government interest in their pathetic pleas after the executives promised to stop taking private jets for purposes of begging, have decided to lengthen their list of concessions.

While both Ford CEO Alan Mulally and GM CEO Rick Wagoner have already agreed to work for $1 a year should the company receive federal funds to cushion the blow their poor stewardship has wrought upon the American automotive industry, the executives grew a great deal more creative at a joint press conference today.

Speaking from behind a stack of plastic milk crates held together with bungee cords, Mulally detailed a plan to only heat the wings of his Grosse Pointe mansion containing rooms he "might enter within the week." Wagoner, for his part, promised to downgrade to four-figure escorts and "never more than three at a time."

In addition Mulally pledged to have his chauffeur drive him to the Thursday hearings in his new 2009 Bentley Arnage RL Sedan. This after the three separate private jet charters he, Wagoner, and Chrysler Chief Executive Robert Nardelli took to the last hearing caused them to face a minimal level of scrutiny and tongue-clucking consternation from slightly less-well-off media figures.

When asked why he was using the famed English luxury auto manufacturer instead of his own company's line of cars, Mulally shuddered and said he "wouldn't be caught dead in one" before proceeding to derogatorily list different ethnicities he thought were fit to drive Fords, closing with "...but never a white man. Especially not a rich white man." He then motioned to his chauffeur, Wooster, to warm up the car.

Wagoner, for his part, offered to sell up to two of GM's seven private planes and vowed not to put his feet up on any of the stewardesses he typically uses as footstools on long flights. When asked if they were selling his corporate jet Wagoner just laughed and sarcastically said "Yeah, we're really going to look into that one" before adding "We're just going to dump the two shitty ones the junior execs use. Especially the one where our Junior VP for Overseas Development got gassed on uppers and murdered those call girls. No one wants to use it anymore, on account of the hooker ghosts."

This bold move comes just one day after crippled insurance giant American International Group announced that its CEO, Edward M. Liddy, would receive only a $1 annual base salary in both 2008 and 2009, in addition to an undisclosed number of equity grants in the company. The mainstream media, asked not to pose too many questions about the quantity or worth of Liddy's equity grants, kindly obliged.

Ford Spokeswoman Marissa Florentine lauded the move as "Proof that these noble autocrats are not detached from the severity of the situation, that they are willing and able to sympathize with the taxpayers whose hard-earned dollars they seek and the government prone to backing truckloads of freshly minted currency up on to corporate lawns before hitting the gas so everything falls out in a nice, big pile."

However, as the conference continued, a contest of one-upsmanship took shape, prompted by Mulally's vow to eat either surf or turf, "Never both!" at the Waldorf-Astoria.

This pledge was met quickly by Wagoner, who vowed to not only eat a lower grade of caviar but to stop bathing entirely. "In fact, I started two days ago," clarified the GM Chief as he waved dismissively at a small cluster of flies hovering above his left shoulder.

As deadline approached, the executives were still standing behind the podium after swearing abstinence, sobriety, honesty, respectfulness, and finally, begrudgingly, a modicum of competency in leadership. Both also said they would "think about looking into that 'fuel-efficiency' thing" while stifling laughter and referring to all hybrids as "Jap-wagons."

No statement was issued from the final member of "the big three," Chrysler LLC. Because it is a privately held company, Chrysler does not disclose how its executives are compensated, although sources close to the CEO's office claim to have overheard him acquiescing to drowning shelter kittens instead of pure breeds until this whole thing blows over.

Both men hope that their new spirit of sacrifice would spur the government into quick action so that they can fix their companies and get back to the robber-baron lives they had so graciously put on hold. In particular they hoped that their dollar-a-year salary pledge would trickle down to the United Auto Workers union, perhaps inspiring them to build cars on a similar wage scale.

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