Aerial footage of wolves tearing at the charred carcass of "Fat Man"CHEYENNE--A spokesperson for the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) today confirmed reports that the organization had, in fact, intercepted, pursued and shot down an unidentified flying object that briefly entered airspace above Ellesmere Island in the northernmost part of Nunavut Province.
Speaking from a prepared statement, Gen Ralph Y. Timmons explained, "At approximately 0400 hours we received confirmation that an unidentified craft had entered airspace above northern Canada. The object appeared and disappeared several times, always completing a wide pass through the northernmost area of our surveillance, almost as though it were engaging in some sort of reconnaissance mission or, perhaps, test flight."
Asked to describe the vehicle, Timmons would say only that it did not resemble anything encountered before by either the United States or Canadian Air Defenses. "The craft was approximately four meters long by two meters high, manned by a single pilot and propelled by some sort of pulling mechanism in the front that seemed to consist of nine roughly equal parts, the foremost of which featured a bright red device, clearly used for navigational purposes."
First responders, who required several hours to reach the scene via plane, boat, dogsled, boat, boat, another dogsled, and feet, reported finding little more than what appeared to be antler shards, scorched felt, smoldering wooden trains, a severed foot with a bell-tipped slipper on it, burnt cookies, reams of parchment, and what metallurgists later identified as small concave spheres of copper with smaller balls of copper inside them.
"All I know is, it was big and it was coming at us," said F-14 pilot Captain Earl C. Graffigan. "After it spent thirty seconds beyond the zero line, I had orders to kill it. And that's what I did."
Away from the wreckage, nearly 100 yards from the crash site, were the burning remains of one large figure and two smaller sized creatures. According to site forensics it appears the two smaller creatures were trying to pull the larger one, perhaps their leader, away from the burning debris.
A field autopsy estimated the larger creature was in excess of 400 pounds, based on the heat of the fire, as well as the amount of charred and rendered fat in the area. Forensics have determined that due to the amount of fire and fuel provided by the large creature, dubbed Fat Man 1 by medical examiners, the fire burned uncontrollably and engulfed the smaller creatures, christened Small Man 1 and Small Man 2. As of yet no usable tissue has been recovered from Fat Man 1, but preliminary tests on Small Man 1 and 2 have revealed no traces of human DNA, prompting forensic experts to assume the Small Men might have used the Fat Man as a pressurized traveling vessel or meat suit.
Lieutenant Hermando Guitierrez, a flight instructor with the 21st Space Wing at Peterson Air Force base, later added, "We hope that this incident, though tragic, will reinforce the perception amongst America's enemies that we do not sleep, that we are always watching our borders. And that those who enter illegally will be punished."
When asked to speculate on who or what had attempted to penetrate American air defenses, Lieutenant Guitierrez would not go on record. He would only confirm that world radar networks always saw these kinds of disturbances near the end of the year and that whatever was trying to breach US air defense might have been hoping to take advantage of the holiday distraction.
Guitierrez was also quick to laud President Bush, whose global War on Terror justified the investments into tracking and surface-to-air missile technology that allowed this object to be so quickly hunted down and reduced to smoldering ash.
Guitierrez continued, “Look, we want everyone to have a wonderful holiday and be assured that America is watching out for you. And for all the kids out there, we promise the skies will be clear and safe when Santa makes his rounds tonig-- Oh, fuck. What have we done? THIS PRESS CONFERENCE IS OVER! GET OUT! ALL OF YOU!"
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