Broken In Brief: Boy develops lame superpowers, feels gypped

BILLINGS, MT--James Anderson, 17, announced today that the superpowers he developed over the past two years were not to be used to fight crime or defend freedom because they are, "Kind of lame." The announcement came from the steps of City Hall after the mayor had issued a rallying cry to the 90,000 residents of Billings imploring all super and meta-humans to come to the city's aid in its war against invading Space Spiders.

"My fellow citizens, I just don't see the point. Space Spiders aren't going to be deterred by indestructible cuticles, the capacity to understand the thoughts of dogs but not communicate with them, or the ability to always file an accurate tax return without help." Anderson, clearly upset more by his subpar powers than his inability to defend his home, added, "And the whole 'bowel movements that always weigh exactly the same' thing? Yeah, pretty worthless. I blame the shockingly low toxicity level of the nuclear waste I stumbled into on that fateful and mundane day. I blame the EPA. Some good those environmental regulations did me."

This news was unwelcome to the citizens of Billings, who have been fending off Space Spider attacks for almost two weeks now. But young Mr. Anderson still has hope. "Yeah, I have the world's most advanced sense of apathy towards everyone I know dying. So I'll be able to muddle through after the spiders eat everyone. This situation shouldn't affect me too much."