Friday, December 19, 2008

Cheap blogging crutch - 12.19.08

Just a few things I came across while cursing the subway for making me miss my train back to Pittsburgh for the high Christian Holiday...

Theft, Inc.
If your wallet feels a little lighter today, odds are it has little to do with the job market or Mandatory Consumption Day (NYSE: XMAS). No, credit your reduced weight to the one-two government intervention combo delivered by President Bush and Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson. The former approved throwing almost $18 Billion at an auto industry that could fuck up a free lunch. The latter warned Congress to open up the remaining $350 Billion in bailout money because, gee, he already spent the other $350 Billion on candy and records.

"I will be [expletive deleted]-ing vindicated"
Mr. Blagoo addressed the media today, pulling a "Fuck you, I'm denying everything" worthy of Ted Stevens. Early indications suggest the defense's strategy will consist primarily of equal parts "I was just kidding when I said those things" and "You can't prove shit, motherfuckers." This should go well.

Limbaugh, staying classy
Bravely seizing upon the opportunity afforded him by a criminal act, Rush today cracked wise about the mugging of Morning Joe co-host Mika Brzezinski. Said Limbaugh, "What happened to Mika Brzezinski is exactly why we need permanent, across-the-board tax cuts. If we cannot keep more of our own money, muggers are going to have to work over time."

Crater of Doom a myth?
New evidence suggests that the Dinosaurs might not have been killed off by an asteroid after all. According to the Wired blog, "Huge volcanic eruptions that belched sulfur into the air for around 10,000 years could have killed the dinosaurs..." Creationist backlash touting this as evidence of the inherent flaws in science to commence in 3... 2...

Hail, Idiocy!
A couple who named their child Adolph Hitler Campbell is pissed at ShopRite for refusing to make a birthday cake with the lad's name on it. The couple, whose two year-old daughter is named JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, claimed they just wanted to give their children unique names that no one else would think of. If they continue to procreate, Vegas odds currently 1:3 that the next child will be named Pol Pot Stalin Mussolini Vader Campbell.

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