Finally, a bailout we can get behind

And on top of. And underneath. And parallel to, with both me and the bailout on our sides, spoon-like, so that I can pretend to be doing a lot of work when really I'm just resting and nibbling on the bailout's neck and saying nice things so the bailout thinks I'm all sensitive and shit.

Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis said Wednesday they will request that Congress allocate $5 billion for a bailout of the adult entertainment industry.

I'll go on record as saying that I don't disagree with Flynt's logic: people are happier when they're fucking and porn makes people want to fuck. Or, at least, render them deeply depressed at the thought that they probably won't be fucking anytime soon. And what are sad, self-conscious people, America? They're good consumers, that's what. Look no further than the bars, liquor stores, candy aisles, and soon-to-be-empty-again gyms all over this great land of ours if you doubt me.

Trouble is, most of the people who watch a lot of porn -- naturally, Matthew and I would know nothing about this -- tend to a) not pay for it in the first place and b) fall asleep soon thereafter, usually about halfway through Big Trouble in Little China. So Flynt is neither getting paid nor encouraging procreation. But it's not as though he cares much about the latter so long as the former is in sight.

Still, very funny. And a fitting satirical tribute to the last few months. Cheers, Larry. You can piss away my tax dollars on pills any day of the week. Beats what GM is likely to do with them.