What happened today

44

"Sorry 'bout all that misery. Remember, my new house has guards, a moat, and an electric fence. Come and get some if you've got the stones liberals."

Is everything fixed yet? No? Goddammit. Well, at least we got our balls to the wall pomp and a face full of circumstance as Mr. Barry Popularity was allegedly enshrined as our 44th President (more on that later) and the Bush Administration finally ground to a halt. Everyone was there, from your favorite celebrities like Don King and Magic Johnson, Dennis Kucinich and Byron Dorgan, to nearly two million citizens with a high tolerance for freezing temperatures and soul legends wearing head bows that can be seen from outer space. Also there were all the living ex-Presidents and Vice-Presidents, as well as our current VP, one white cat short of full Bond villain resplendence. But what else happened?

• Gay hating evangelical phony Rick Warren made the election and invocation of the first black President in our nation's history somehow come across like an increasingly bizarre pitch to sell you a used Datsun that he swears a little old lady only used once a week to drive to his mega-church.
• Reverend Lowery on the other hand, knows a little something about a benediction, showmanship, color related rhyming, and a little thing called sincerity.
• Obama was actually sworn in today on the Lincoln Bible. Which, oddly enough, is a Koran.
  
• The White House Website got a little makeover. In case you don't want to bother to look, it's essentially Obama's campaign website with the color white replacing blue. Same font and everything. There's even a blog and they even have a fake news brief up about Washington changing.
• Chief Justice John Roberts fucked up the Inaugural Oath. Coincidentally he messed it up in such a way that it was actually the oath you have to take to become Postmaster General. Tragically Obama isn't really President now, but he does have some great ideas on shipping charges and stamps. Remember to put this in your "Crazy Right Wing Crank" file when Rush and Hannity try to claim this somehow invalidates Obama's Presidency along with the birth certificate thing, the Muslim thing, the black thing, and the Democrat thing. Historical fun fact: you don't actually need to take the oath, Obama officially became President the second the clock hit noon.
• The stock market continued to fall into the toilet. This was the first day of trading since Citibank and Bank of America announced their massive losses on Friday. Either that was the cause or everyone on the stock market floor heard a loud noise, got spooked, and decided to sell.
• Sen. Kennedy evidently had a seizure at the luncheon and had to be taken to a hospital. Sen. Byrd also had to be taken out of the luncheon due to his state after seeing his friend collapse. Both are fine and according to Chris Dodd, Kennedy was bitching about having to go to the hospital. In all likelihood both were probably just tired of hearing yet another speech from yet another President about how things were going to change, the American people were behind his agenda, and everyone needed to come together. It was all a ruse and they're both drinking in a bar right now, on their tenth round, bullshitting about whatever it is people who have been in the Senate for 1000 years bullshit about.