Broken News: Failed drug tests invalidate scrappy poor kids' victory over rich rivals

VALLEY LAKE—It was a heartwarming story that transfixed the region, a group of down-on-their-luck kids from the wrong side of the tracks valiantly fought for and won control of their beloved summer camp, snatching the property from the clutches of snooty rich kids and their real estate developer parents. But now in a shocking turn, there are damning accusations of cheating and a series of failed drug tests on behalf of those scrappy poor kids that have overturned that victory, wresting control of the camp back into the hands of the wealthy elite they rooked.

“After completing the legally mandated drug test, as per the conditions set forth in contract all parties signed, we have found that almost the entire group of lower socio-economic youngsters collectively going by the name Team Miracle failed the urinalysis and blood toxicity screens,” observed town sheriff Frank Collig, working as the agreed upon arbiter in this conflict. “We found trance elements of anadrol, testocrine, primobolan, winstrol, masteron, dihydrotestosterone, androstenone, avodart, iocane, Advil, and HGH. This is in addition to the numerous horse tranquilizers, pain killers, and Wasilla-grade methamphetamines we found coursing through their deceitful little veins.”

He continued, “As such, these performance enhancers would undoubtedly have had an effect on the canoe race for control of the camp, creating an almost superhuman group of paddlers unable to feel their muscles bursting with pain. Given these results, I have no other choice but to declare Team Miracle’s victory invalid and award control of Camp Sunshine to their rich competitors on Team Elite and their corporate sponsors at Globodyne Megacorp. Furthermore I would like to chastise the kids of Team Miracle for conduct that makes the East German women look like sportswomen of the year. Or is it sportsmen? The mustaches always confuse me.”

While no immediate reaction could be gotten from any of the poverty-stricken youths, Coach Tompkins, the man who taught them to believe in themselves and not to just let people tell them they’d never amount to anything, fielded questions. When pressed to discuss the test results, Tompkins sighed, shook his head, and remarked “Now where will we go? Without that camp we’ll never be able to touch the lives of the kids in this community, to teach them that they can be somebody.” Adding “HGH? Christ.”

The members of Team Elite however, were not so confounded. Speaking on behalf of his clients in front of Camp Sunshine, lawyer H. Charles Wiffington III read from a prepared statement. “While we deplore the conduct of those tactless ragamuffins from Poverty Junction, we would like to commend the sheriff for his fairness and for the good people at Pharmatech, a division of Globodyne, for their prompt and unimpeachable testing of the samples. We weren’t sure that the rich and powerful were going to be able to get a fair shake in Valley Lake, but they’ve shown to the two disparate and constantly warring classes on both sides of this town that the law and science rule the day.”

While members of Team Elite and their rich developer parents are tight lipped on their plans for the land, rumor has it that they are planning to bulldoze the camp in order to build summer homes on the lake, so they don’t have to make the treacherous 10 mile drive from their homes on the wealthy Knox Heights section of Valley Lake in order to use their yachts.

Wiffington was also quick to note that just because control of the land reverted to them that this meant legal action was over. Indeed he was quick to point out that charges of fraud, emotional abuse, and drug trafficking were to be filed. Globodyne CEO Barrington Dartmouth-Kane VI even advised them to look into claims that the canoe Team Miracle used, designed by team member Aloysius “Braniac” Nerdington, infringed on several Globodyne aerospace patents.

He also added “Of course the grudgingly respectful handshake that team captain Barrington Dartmouth-Kane VII offered to Team Miracle as well as the slow clap that slowly evolved into all out applause has been revoked and deemed null-and-void.”

Chief Collig hoped that this wouldn’t already exacerbate the heightening rich/poor tensions in Valley Lake. “Christ with this, those car races down in the abandoned spillway, the dance offs, and that thing at the karate tournament, this town is just about ready to explode. I hope we can start to come together to move forward as a community, without so many contrived conflicts and competitions between the two sides of town.”