Broken News: America unveils list of resolutions

WASHINGTON--America unveiled today its list of New Year's resolutions for 2009 after a week of careful vetting by the office of the Vice-President deemed the document sufficiently sanitized for public consumption. Reportedly eliminated were some of the more ambitious, life affirming resolutions as well as any moments of genuine reflection leading to important realizations. This was the longest list since 1972's "Things we'll no longer do with napalm" and its most ambitious since the 1987 incarnation that, albeit sarcastically, listed all of the ways in which Ronald Reagan would stop ensuring poor people would stay that way.

The list of resolutions was unveiled at a ceremony in the capital rotunda where it was read, as tradition mandates, by a Lockheed Martin lobbyist standing in front of a large banner depicting the crossed index and middle fingers of a bejeweled, well-manicured hand. New to the event this year was the selling of naming rights for this year's list to the highest bidder with the proceeds expected to go towards buying Dick Cheney another man-sized safe. As a bonus, this year the Blackwater Presents: America's 2009 Resolutions announcement ceremony proved to be more orderly after a twitchy Miami-Herald journalist was shot 47 times by the lawless mercenaries providing security.

While the full list of ambitious points of self-improvement ran for a record 387 pages, the major points were emphasized early. Chief amongst them were America's promise to try real hard not to invade anyone in 2009, its commitment to 50 cent wings every Tuesday night and, for the 17th consecutive year, its intention to end the relentless, racist, resource-squandering "War on Drugs."

Below are additional selections pulled from the full statement, which can be obtained through conventional mail by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to the Congressional Office of Empty Promises.

On this Day of Our Lord, January the Eighth, Two-Thousand Nine, the United States of America hereby resolves to:

--handle that whole food/housing/AIDS/cancer thing

--get combo boner/hair restoration pill to market

--discontinue the Grammys

--take newspaper industry out behind the shed and finally put it out of its misery

--stop referring to Tony Romo as a "professional quarterback"

--finish that TV script about the doctor who investigates graphic crime scenes with his ghost sidekick

--pay attention to missing black women as well

--stop obsessing over how much Oprah weighs

--start obsessing over how much Rachael Ray weighs

--no longer pretend to be Canadian when traveling overseas and instead just man up and learn that Australian accent

--not just test drive, but actually purchase, a Prius

--start making South Americans the villains in movies again

--start picking up creditor's phone calls

--liquidate Carlos Mencia

--finally make the move towards buying only high definition porn

--enroll wife and kids in Advanced Zombie Survival Training Program, because we all know it's coming

--get really serious about pretending to care about the Sudan, maybe even buy that "Fair Trade Darfur" t-shirt or something

--hunker down and really try to amp up media coverage enough to get Britney Spears to kill herself this year

--find a sandwich with all the bacon of the Baconator, but with enough beef to stop the heart of an adolescent giraffe

--continue to make Two and a Half Men America's #1 rated comedy show, lest something funny and original invade our psyches

--spend at least 15 minutes trying to enjoy a televised soccer match

--concern itself with lax Chinese environmental and labor violations, even when they don't necessarily involve lead paint or date rape drugs in kids toys

--Netflix those Seth Rogen and Will Ferrell movies where they play Seth Rogan and Will Ferrell

--mandate more Lil' Wayne guest spots on hit songs; 75% is simply not enough

--learn to hoard canned food and ammo better

--make society just shitty enough that the robots won't want to take over

--forget about swimming and track & field for another four years

--stop using both fossil fuels and irony as though they are infinite resources