If you're heading down to the Inauguration of President Obama today, the killjoys at Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies have a few suggestions on what not to bring to the celebration.
That's right, if you had plans to brandish your fake gun while shooting off bottle rockets, think again, such exultations of joy are verboten. Apparently they think no one will be interested in your fine collection of knives and debilitating spray eye blinders either. Sticks, God's most dangerous weapon, are a no go, after all you could poke someone's eye out. If you need to skin a deer and screw something in with the same tool the JCCIC says you're out of luck, that means no fresh venison to celebrate out nation's first black President. If you thought it'd be hilarious to use your laser pointer to circle the Chief Justice or President's genitals from 500 yards away, think again, the Secret Service might confuse you with a sniper for some reason. God help you if you try to bring a hot beverage in a thermos you fucking anarchist, you'll get tossed so quickly and roughly you'll think this was the third Bush Inauguration.
On the plus side: no posters or signs. So you'll get a brief respite from those "Hope" and "Change" posters that are probably going for a pretty penny everywhere outside the Inaugural Zone. Though disappointingly this means you'll have to wait until the next G-8 meeting protests to see giant sarcastic marionettes. They do warn that if it does rain you are proper fucked. You have to stand there and take it: no umbrellas. They probably think you'll be able to use it as cover to hide your private enjoyment of a thermos and a firecracker while Barry speaks.
Finally the Committee advises that you not bring infants, small children, the elderly, or people with weakened immune systems. Not because of the cold, long waits outside, or your Pop-Pop's stated desire to stab an ex-President or two, it's just that these type of indigents sicken and disgust our President elect. Especially infants, but especially sick people. He's going to lose his shit if he's reading some line about hope (and the audacity of it) and he has to make eye contact with someone over the age of 60.
Other than that, feel free to enjoy the Inauguration and the official end of the Bush Presidency, whichever gives you more joy.
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