Broken News: Obama to sacrifice bankers to appease financial Gods

WASHINGTON—Looking to get a handle on the financial crisis still spiraling out of control, President Obama gathered his economic team together to announce the first step of their economic recovery plan: ancient ritualized killing ceremonies designed to ward off evil omens and spirits.

After consulting with Lawrence Summers, Tim Geithner, and several other voodoo high priests, the President decided that the best course of action was to ritually sacrifice bankers in an attempt to appease the Financial Gods.

“My fellow Americans, I know this seems like a harsh and punitive measure,” said the President, already decked out in a gilded black robe, high necked priest’s collar, and gold ankh pendant. “But you must understand the dire straits we are in. I have been advised, and I now believe, that we have angered God or a series of Gods and the only way forward is to sacrifice one banker per God until we hit upon the right combination.”

As the President walked over to a stone alter constructed in front of the Washington Monument, his economic advisers already encircling it and chanting from various Latin tomes, the President revealed the first sacrificial vessel, a portly man strapped to the altar with razor wire, his bare flesh adorned with pagan symbols painted in goat’s blood.

“This is Michael Simon of PNC and I believe we’re sacrificing him to Baal, isn’t that right Rahm? Alright let’s get this under way.” The President then proceeded to open a large book, on loan from the Smithsonian, bound in what seemed to be human flesh, inked in blood, and started reading the ancient Sumerian script. At the culmination of the chanting, the President produced a large bone dagger from his cloak, raised it into the air, and brought it down into Mr. Simon’s chest.

After a quick series of calls over to the Federal Reserve and Wall Street, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, wiping the blood from his Blackberry, announced “Still the same. We’ll all need to be back here for the six o’clock. Remember to get those cloaks washed. Dry clean only. Oh, and toss the body in the Potomac."

While some are questioning the decision to bring sacrifices back to White House grounds for the first time since Dick Cheney was forced to move his dark rituals to the Naval Observatory in 2005, others point out that Obama is pretty popular and that they really ought to shut up.

On the other hand there are others who support the policy, such as Dr. Colton Kent, Professor of the Occult at Cambridge and director of Faces of Death VII. “Look we’ve exhausted all other options and maybe we should open our minds to what the ancient civilizations did. We just watched the big cheese take his oath of office twice on a leather-bound book of 2,000 year-old Jewish proverbs. Everyone loves following what long dead primitives did so long as there’s chanting and a book. Ra, Kali, Zeus, Thor, Gozer, Morgan Freeman. It doesn’t make a difference. The transgressors must be offered up in death to the offended party. Do you really think an offering of nuts and berries is going to do it? Oh, and try finding a virgin in this day and age.”

Kent added, “We all need to understand that obviously a God or consortium of Gods is causing this and one of them needs to be appeased. Otherwise we’d just have to blame the free market and capitalism, right? That, my friends, is fucking ludicrous.”

Officials note that if the sacrifices do not work there is, as of yet, no backup plan. Treasury Secretary Geithner has advised, “…collecting up bitches to throw in volcanoes,” while other, more experienced advisers feel that the President might need to consider that a witch might have hexed the financial sector or even that someone has stolen a priceless artifact from the US that needs to be returned.

These same officials note that the proposed economic stimulus proposal is just a ruse designed to keep congress busy. One such official, on the condition of anonymity said “We just don’t want them gumming up the work with their ‘motions-to-stab’, committees to review what ancient evil manuscript to use, and commissions to look into the best type of altar to funnel blood into the collection receptacles. Plus, there are even some senators who honestly think this crisis will be solved by spending. Like Vishnu or Eric Clapton is going to care about transit funding.”

Later, when asked if he really thought these ritual killings were going to solve the crisis, the President smiled and shrugged, “Don’t know. But it still makes more sense than giving a trillion dollars to George Bush and Hank Paulson, no questions asked.”