Barry: Day Seven

It's been a week since Mr. Barry became not only the first black man to become a major party candidate, but also become the first black man to win an election, and the first black man to get Inaugurated. It's been a busy week of firsts. He was the first black President to flush the toilets, the first black President to sit in the Oval Office and fuck around on his Blackberry, and he became the first black President to duck out onto the balcony to get a smoke. Today he looks to move his operations to Congress where he's going to stump for passage of his economic stimulus bill. We were able to obtain a copy of his itinerary and Barry's own personal notes. No Bothans were harmed.

• Decide to walk up to Congress to get your plan passed, like in that episode of the West Wing you saw. Give up halfway. Christ man, too many cigarettes, out of breath. Vow to stop smoking again and to start an intensive cardio progra....fuck it, that's why they built that sweet ass limo. Light up and tell them to drop you as close to the front entrance as possible, awnings be damned.
• Greet Pelosi at the entrance. Small talk, ask how the grandkids are. Shit, now she's talking about the bill. Mentions that thing about how the bill now includes tax cuts your economists derided as ineffective. That you derided as ineffective. Christ, she's not letting this go. Stammer for an answer, then knock her over, then run and hide in the bathroom. That went well. As long as you never see Nancy Pelosi for the remaining 4-8 years that will have worked out perfectly.
• Democratic caucus meeting. Shit there's Nancy. She doesn't look too bruised. Mention something about having had Taco Bell for breakfast and really needing to use the facilities. I don't think she bought it, no one eats 10 burritos at 8 in the morning, not unless you're Bill Richardson. Zing! Write that one down, remember to bring it up next time you see him.
• Meeting under way. God this is boring. God you hate all these people. Now they're bitching about that thing you said about accepting Republican ideas if they were good ones. Explain that by definition Republican ideas are bad ones. Enjoy a good laugh. There are no reporters in here, right? That quip might harm negotiations.
• God, where's Teddy? He's usually hiding a fifth or two of something potent. Really feel the need to get drunk.
• Meet with Republicans. Mitch McConnell and John Boehner. What is wrong with American voters? Christ, they're bitching about that report that doesn't exist. Listen to their ideas. Cut capital gains. Do a shot. Elimination of death tax. Do a shot. Make Bush tax cuts permanent. Do a shot. Reagan's face on Mt. Rushmore. Was that serious? Were they checking to see if I was paying attention? Tell them you'll take those plan under advisement. They'll never vote for this thing anyway.
• Meet with Reid and Pelosi again. Resist urge to smash Harry's face in. Oh God, they want to drop family planning funding from the bill. Of course it needs to be dropped, Republicans bitched. Thank Harry and Nancy for their stellar advice, sarcastically mention that dropping it probably picked up soooo many Republican votes. Fuck, they might even get full Republican support now. Really start degrading them sarcastically. Do that impression of Reid's walk. Rub it in. Oh great, now they're crying. Agree with them and leave. Run.
• Go back to White House. Muse on how much you hate government for a while. Why'd you run again? Hate everyone. Get revenge soon.
• Lunch. Fuck it. Half day.