Broken News: Sources reveal Bush unaware of term limits

WASHINGTON--As the nation and the world at-large prepare for the landmark inauguration of Barack Obama next Tuesday, sources have divulged that current president George W. Bush remains woefully ignorant of his impending eviction.

Though explanations differ, the general consensus is that as the administration's Nixonian popularity drove away the most talented and best-trained operatives, the responsibility for informing Bush he wasn't elected for life was passed down the chain like a sagging, fiftyish bar harpie with cigarette wrinkles.

"We just kept coming up with excuses for why Obama was on TV so much," explained one official on condition of anonymity. "In March we told Bush that Obama was just some rapper, in June he was the NBA's Most Valuable Player. Next he was JJ from Good Times. That one just confused him. The president kept wondering why he wasn’t yelling “DY-NO-MITE!!” all the time. I'm pretty sure that after the election we just went with Will Smith. The president was a big fan of Hancock."

Bush apparently bought into each cover story, even as they grew increasingly absurd, twice suggesting to Chief of Staff Joshua Bolton to "set up a meeting with that Jay-Z feller."

With a mere six days to go until Obama's inauguration, the situation is being exacerbated by the complete disappearance of the president's foremost handler, Vice President Dick Cheney. Until midsummer, Cheney had maintained a fairly active role in what came to be known as the "Baracksplanation Initiative."

Former staffer Marie Cavanaugh, previously tasted with monitoring the Vice President's reserves of baby puree, was unwilling to venture a guess at Cheney's location. "Wherever he is, he's watching," said Cavanaugh through the interpreter who has been with her since an April 2008 incident wherein the young government employee lost her eyesight and all hair pigmentation just before she began speaking only in ancient tongues long thought lost to mortals.

As for the president himself, several options were put forth in this morning's emergency joint meeting between the Secret Service and Department of Homeland Security. A confidential source claimed that three courses of action received legitimate consideration. One involves the construction of a large playpen-like structure into which the President will be placed until he calms down. Another involves constructing a replica of the Oval Office in an unused bunker and allowing the President to continue with his regular duties amongst discarded Hollywood extras cast as staffers.

The final and most controversial top secret method, code named "The Norma Gene," was put forward but quickly rescinded when one high-level operative explained from behind a cloud of cigarette smoke, "That one is reserved for young, charismatic progressive leaders."

Behind the scenes, staffers are becoming increasingly worried just what will happen if none of them acquire the requisite stones to tell him what’s going on. “Frankly he could have a total mental breakdown once his dreams of monarchy are shattered,” observed department head of the Daddy Issues Center at Georgetown’s School of Psychology, Dr. Eric West. “He already thought he was owed the Presidency because of his heritage, now he thinks he’s entitled to it forever. What’s he going to think when he sees a man he believes to be Tiger Woods come in, take his office, and throw him out of the White House?”

Already aides and advisers are sneaking some of the more sharp objects out of the Oval Office. In addition, Mr. Bolton has been training an elite squad of Secret Service agents outfitted in Nerf suits to safely disable the President if, during the transition, he were to violently wield one of his signing pens or grab the bust of Jefferson with the pointy nose. Others speak of plans to shoot Mr. Bush in the neck with a dart, move him to his ranch, and just tell him he must have been dreaming if he ever mentions being President.

But, as per the standard of the Administration, of yet no final decisions or in fact, any, decisions have been made as to the Baracksplanation. “Truthfully,” Bolton explained. “We’re just sort of hoping this thing will work itself out so we don’t have to get involved. Five days is a long time. It could happen.”