NEW YORK--Brooklyn resident Nathan Panetta was rendered speechless over the weekend as the dog and baby he borrowed from his friends failed to garner any female attention during a stroll through Prospect Park.
After a third straight holiday season spent alone beneath the mistletoe and four separate New Year's Eve strikeouts, Panetta chose to beg his married friends, Joe and Ellen Dinetti, for access to Joe Jr. and Benny, a three-year-old baby and beagle/terrier mix, respectively.
"I figured I was fuckin' golden," explained Panetta,36, who has been single for going on four years. "What better way to show come cooze I'm a fuckin' sensitive, caring guy, you know? I been dating Rosie Palmer and her five sisters for so long I ain't even sure if my unit still marches. Some broads like kids, some like doggies. I thought I had all my bases covered. I even put the little brat in a Save Darfur shirt. I should have been up to my balls in trim the second I stepped in that park."
Never one to quit, Panetta returned the alleged "snatch magnets" to their rightful owners and began pondering a new strategy, one that "I'm just sayin', might involve some Chloroform and shadowy lurking."
Monday, January 12, 2009
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