Broken News: America indicted on 200 million counts of liver terrorism

WASHINGTON—In what amounts to a shocking post-New Year’s wake-up call, roughly two-thirds of Americans discovered today that the US Justice Department has indicted them on millions of counts of liver-related acts of terrorism and self-abuse. The indictments, which were mailed out today to midnight revelers and professional alcoholics posing as people exited for a new year, are part of the government’s new line of get tough policies on what's been described as “the American populace’s unending illegal war on their organs.”

“The war on terrorism has become so broad and vague as to become pointless,” explained Justice Department lead prosecutor David Danforth. “It is with this vacuum in activity prosecuting the supposed real war on terror and several provisions inserted into the last passing of the Patriot Act by teetotaling busybodies, that we are finally able to take some action and prosecute the American populace for acts of self terror and abuse on a scale comparable to a thousand 9/11s. With this indictment, we hope to finally stop American abuse of the smaller and more vulnerable organs, and stop this genocide against America's defenseless enemy: its own liver.”

He continued, “Frankly we’re just all happy to be doing some real work for once. It’s been all quiet on the terrorism prosecution front and there’s only so many times you can indict Tommy Chong before he learns not to mail bongs to co-eds. We’re glad to be able to knock some of these monsters off the streets and get some real billable hours in.”
If convicted, America faces up to 200 million felony counts of abuse, war crimes, torture, and making terroristic threats against themselves. Also included in the indictments were a battery of lesser charges, including fat girl buggery, street vomiting, littering, street sign theft, toplessness, sudden flash lesbianism, dishonest declarations that things are going to change this year, and overly gay man hugs.

“I dare you deny that this is a rash epidemic of incredible violence to a beleaguered populace,” observed government spokesman Michael Jameson. “Just look at their code: Irish car bombs, Jager bombs, acid bombs, Nigerian vodka knives, shooters, rusty nails, kamikazes, bloody brains, snake bites, B-52’s, F-16’s, and Soviet liver rapers. You tell me these aren’t part of a concerted violent effort on the part of a deranged mass of citizens determined to slowly render their internal organs inoperative. That doesn’t even get into drinking Banker’s Club or Vladimir. You can’t tell me that shit isn’t battery acid and piss filtered through used underwear. This is for their own good. These people cannot keep liquefying their insides with codswallop every time the calendars change. This unchecked aggression will not stand.”

Part of the problem in mounting a defense is that so many citizens have been recorded voluntarily making declarations about their intentions to molest their livers with swill and violently execute their few remaining brain cells. From drunkenly wandering in front of news cameras to videotaping themselves getting wasted, prosecutors are straining to remember when the last time so many so brazenly stated their intention to commit crimes in full public view.

“It’s like these kids don’t even care,” observed clinical psychologist Dr. Adam Denton. “You see them leave Facebook status reports like ’I’m going to get soooo fucked up’ and post pictures with captions like “Fuck you liver, I’m getting soooo fucked up right here’ and you wonder what they’re thinking. Then there are all the recorded phone conversations. I understand the government barely had to violate civil rights to get these people on tape. So many of them were leaving messages with the time and date telling friends to come ‘get fucked up’ or that they were ‘soooo fucked up right now’ and that they wanted them to join in the horrific destruction. It’s going to be an open and shut case. These caustic freaks are going to go away for a long time.”

As part of the government’s stance, there will be no negotiating or plea bargaining with these terrorists. After they are put before a military tribunal and convicted, most of America will be shipped to Guantanamo Bay, which has seen its chain link fence prisons expanded to accommodate the tens of millions of new prisoners.

Due to space limitations, the prison has been built both upward and downward, providing some with all the comforts of a Victorian floating prison while others will endure the inescapable horrors of an underground gulag, replete with mole people attacks. For the convenience of the millions of prisoners, all major religious texts have been preemptively placed in the mass latrine modeled after former Philadelphia Eagles venue, Veterans Stadium.

Prosecutors expect to have the military show trials started up by the middle of February and completed by the end of the same week. The Justice Department hopes that these trials and convictions will serve as a lesson to the remaining parts of the country and a more orderly transition from 2009-2010. Sources close to the department claimed that, next year, an actual celebration to take place instead of a combo drunken street brawl/orgy with confetti. If not, insiders say the government is willing to come down with a second round of indictments.