TB Science Corner

via the Big Picture blog's Saturn: That Ringed Bitch series.

Because I'm tired of cataloging the ways in which our society moves backwards.

Third time’s a charm, Congress passes science act
Ho ho, finally Democrats figured out a way so that Congress could vote on a bill that creates growth, creates jobs, and provides much needed funding to science and technology, but also not prove they're all sex obsessed fiends who love government employees looking at porn. Because when it comes down to voting for scientific advancement in this country or voting against scientific advancement because some cheap procedural trick made you susceptible to "pro-porn" attack ads, our elected betters will always choose to hamper our future. At least they found a way around it... this time.

BP OK's test of Costner's oil-cleaning device
Yes, the celebrities will finally be allowed to save us. Costner's machine, which separates 97% of oil from water and can do 210,000 gallons of water a day, will be allowed to be tested in the Gulf. I think this marks the first cleanup attempt that will not involve spraying the most harmful chemicals, or improperly setting up booms, or pumping mud, trash, and golf balls into the sea in order to slow the oil. If you're counting at home, that makes it one outside idea that's being listened to. And why not, it looks like BP has a handle on this whole thing.

Hubble Watches as Star Slowly Devours Planet
And you thought the Hubble was just for science. No, it's for perversely watching the death of planets many, many light years away. In this case a sun slowly devouring a planet over 10 million years. Of course we won't get 10 million years of "Ahh, ahhh, we put our tip in the sun again", it'll just a few seconds of "Hey.... did the sun just get fifty billion times larger and start expanding this way at a rapid rate? No, I'm not fucking around." and then we'll be immediately incinerated. That is if our society can last for another couple billion years. It's not looking good. One century at a time, civilization, one century at a time.

What is the Air Force doing with space?
Without even reading the article, I'm going to guess... militarize it. Yup, *pumps fist* I was right. But the Bad Astronomy blog looks into the Air Force and the mysterious Mach 6 hitting X-51A and the even more mysterious X-37 B "Flying Twinkie". At least one of the sectors of government is committed to making the ship technology of Battlestar Galactica a reality.

Quantum teleportation achieved over 16 km
Good news if you're a photon and you need to get information to another photon 16km away. You can now teleport it instead of calling or e-mailing it. I going to take a wild stab at this and say we're literally a few weeks away from Verizon and Comcast handing out Quantum Entangled Particle cards for our cell phones and internet connections so we can text and download porn instantaneously.The future is here, people.

Quote of the day

We're all enthralled by the possibility that a porn star might do battle with a serial hypocrite and bayou whoremaster for the Louisiana Senate seat that didn't get washed away by Hurricane Katrina. Oh sure we can giggle and snicker over the S-E-X parts, but where's the real political analysis of Stormy Daniels' chances against David Vitter? Why aren't we asking other porn stars what they think about her running?

Thankfully Politico stepped to the forefront to tackle that pressing question. While there are several generic supportive comments and a seeming threat from the porn Palin that she was going to run against the real Palin, the best political comments came from where they always come from: the gay porn industry.

Adult film star Owen Hawk sees a comparison between Daniels and Rep. John Boehner. "It's ironic that the people of Louisiana might elect a porn star to be their senator only to find her the second-most sprayed-tanned GOP representative."

"I think she'll make a great Republican,” said Hawk. “She's narcissistic and morally suspect."

Nicely snarked. You know, I think I'll Google his name and see if he's made any other political commentary. Just let me type it in, hit enter, and... yeah.... that's a lot of penises... not really up my ally... no discernible political content to this... is that Jeff Gannon... I think perhaps I should have added a "+politics" modifier to my search.

Anyway, I would call this article a roaring success. In the future I would recommend that all Politico articles have at least one quote from a gay porn star or political porn parody veteran. I mean Christ, they've got to have more sense or a better predictive track record than a guy like Bill Kristol. Plus they've probably prostituted themselves less as well.

Quote of the day

When last we left the state of Louisiana and it's 2010 Senate race it was expected that they would re-elect David "the Bayou Whoremaster" Vitter to the Senate despite that whole thing where he was deeply involved in paying hookers for sex and wearing diapers.... sexual diapers. Because whore-banging is a Conservative Christian value. But there was also a point in time where it seemed Vitter would be challenged... by porn star Stormy Daniels. Then there were a bunch of allegations of spousal abuse and a car bombing and she seemingly dropped out.

But know with tales of abusing her husband and maybe paying some dude to tie some C4 to her political consultant's car now firmly in the past, it looks like Daniels is back to challenge Vitter in the GOP primary, splitting the crucial swing votes of "people who like hypocrites who drill prostitutes" and "people who like porn-stars with an affinity for hand to hand combat and explosives". The Louisiana GOP is spitting (not swallowing) mad and lashing out at her and what must assuredly be the Democratic conspiracy behind it. Louisiana Democrats saw the ball lovingly lined up on top of it's tee and decided to take a good hard swing at it.

Kevin Franck, spokesman for the Louisiana Democratic Party, said neither the party nor the Melancon campaign recruited Daniels.

"If the Louisiana Republican Party is uncomfortable with a Republican challenger who has a history of selling sex, I would suggest they reconsider standing by an incumbent with a history of paying for it," Franck said in an e-mailed statement.

Gentlemen, I do believe that is game, set, and match.

Broken in Brief: After appropriate period of mourning, porn stars fight over really great porn name

LOS ANGELES—After an mourning period of over two weeks, today members of the porn community began to fight over which one of them would legitimately take over the moniker of ‘Oral Roberts,' that of the famous Pentecostal televangelist who died on December 15th.

The name, which had been successfully been kept out of porn due to legal threats from the powerful minister and his church, is now expected to provide an influx of hundreds of thousands of dollars to whomever should grab the name in what is sure to be an epic and erotic fight.

“I think we all remember the tremendous boon the death of the Reverend Buck Naked was to the career of the porn star Buck Naked,” observed Dan Hemmings, associate editor for Adult Video News.

“People in this industry have been waiting for this man to drop dead ever since we reclassified the word ‘Oral’ to have something to do with mouth sex as a prank on the old bastard. Remember that? ‘Oral’ used to mean ‘of or relating to the sheet metal fabrication process.' Now it means taking a shot in the mouth!”

Among those who are expected to vie for the name in graphically recorded detail are several established porn veterans as well as the litany of 18 year old newcomers that show up in the porn industry everyday thanks to Greyhound’s new bus service that will transit any of-age girl from the Midwest to Larry Flynt’s house for the low, low price of $49.

Hemmings concluded, “And the best thing about whomever eventually lands this name? No matter what deviant sex acts they perform under the title it won’t be enough to disgrace the name of a man who used to proclaim fraudulent healing powers in order to bilk destitute pensioners out of millions and stole money from the university he founded!”

Correspondence of the day

The chronicle of a young child named Billy (otherwise known as adult pop-culture historian Bill Geerhart), the sage wisdom of Hustler publisher Larry Flynt, and the cruel tyranny of porn stealing authoritative parents. Just one of the many amazing episodes of The Billy Letters, one small boy's disturbing correspondence with Charles Manson, the Night Stalker, the Unibomber, Larry, the Governator, and Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.20

Stumping With Mayor, Giuliani Stirs Old Fears
While earlier we were marveling at Glenn Beck's ability to weave conspiracy out of nothing, sometimes you have to show a little respect for the masters of the old arts. Like engendering fear of anyone with darker skin than the Irish. So please, a little respect for Nounverb9/11 Giuliani, who hit the stage for NY Mayor Bloomberg to remind people of the fear they used to fear walking the streets at night, pausing then intoning You know exactly what I’m talking about.” He then paused again, scanned the room and said "You know....BLACKS!!!" He then left to go dig up the corpse of a 9/11 victim so he could rummage through the pockets for any loose change or paper money.

Barnes & Noble’s Kindle Killing, Dual Screen ‘Nook’ E-Reader Leaked
Hey, can you hear that sound? It's Amazon shitting its pants over a new e-reader that is not only designed well, but is going to be linked to a Barnes & Noble operation that will sell e-books cheaper, be able to use books from the Google books project, and will let you lend e-books to friends. Lend them. That's it, game over Amazon, game over. If this thing can show porn, they can lure the lucrative 18-54 high tech pervert market. Which is to say, Sean and myself. He's been hankering for a well designed way to watch hardcore porn on the subway for years. Those nuns he sits next to won't know what hit them.

Wall St. Giants Reluctant to Donate to Democrats
Awww, and after they've done so much for the Wall Street community. Actually, this states that they aren't so much as reluctant to donate to Democrats, but to donate to them in public. Which shows they've learned something. Shame they haven't learned anything about banking, financial markets, or sanity. Still only half a dozen Goldman-Sachs execs are going to be at a Democratic Party fundraiser with President Obama. That sounds low, but you have to remember that most Goldman execs already have jobs working in the administration.

Secret Service strained as leaders face more threats
I guess we expected this when we elected a black guy, but it's always nice to see your predictions that American racist extremists would show themselves in great numbers come horrifyingly true. In fact the Secret Service is so strained at investigating racists that there's talk of them abandoning their counterfeiting and financial crimes work to concentrate on the freaks. That's always good to hear that a protective agency is so overworked from an overwhelming number of crazies. America! America! God shed his grace on thee. And crown thy good with brotherhood. From sea to shining sea!

Defense Department Opposed Franken's Anti-Rape Amendment
Charming. As if it wasn't enough that 30 white conservative men thought that allowing people to prosecute rape and sexual abuse as, you know, crimes, was too onerous a burden to the field of contract law, we need the Defense Department to second that motion. Oh, they swear they're totally against rape, it's just that enforcing Franken's law would be totally hard. Well then, if that's the case let's just keep contractor rape legal. We wouldn't want to inconvenience anyone.

Headline of the day

Gingrich ‘Inadvertently’ Names Porn Company ‘Entrepreneur of The Year’ For 'Stimulating The Economy'

Hey, as the saying goes, "reward what you know" and Newt knows porn. He also knows the name of a good buttplug and ballgag company, but the porn DVD company had a better business model and five year plan. Maybe next year Boehner Latex & Rubber Erotica, maybe next year.

Readers, meet the Internet. Internet, readers.

Courtesy of ikoen.org, a visual representation of global Internet traffic. (Copyright Al Gore).

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.29

Strong Words From Iran’s Opposition
Look out now, Mousavi and the Iranian opposition are speaking out "more strongly than ever" on the issue of religious thugs hijacking their country and election. This was met with what insiders describe as the Supreme Leader laughing "more harder than ever." This will eventually end with Mousavi being fitted with new & improved shackles that are "more stronger than ever." With the end of the 40 day mourning period for Neda, it looks like this whole thing might kick up again. The American media might even deign to cover it. Unless someone important like Donnie Osmond or MC Hammer dies that is.

Paul Stanley, Tennessee State Senator, Quits After Affair With 22-Year-Old Intern
Release the balloons and streamers from the rafters. This marks the 1000th time a gay bashing, holly rolling, no gay adoptions, moralizing crusader for marriage got caught fucking a staffer. He's going to go "focus on his family", which will no doubt involve many awkward silences and his wife's white hot anger of a thousand suns being focused at the most slittable part of his throat. These Bastards gives Mr. Stanley our thanks. In his honor I will be sending him a commemorative cookie cake in the shape of a man nailing someone who isn't his wife and Sean will stifle his own laughter while perusing the donation page on James Dobson's "Focus on the Family" website.

In a Savings Shocker, the Government Discovers That Paper Has Two Sides
Apparently the government, in a scramble to save money without cutting anything important, has found out that if you print stuff on both sides of paper, don't unnecessarily repaint vehicles, delete unused e-mail accounts, and pack soldiers like sardines into transport planes, you can save a buck or two. The Justice Department didn't know you could print copies on both sides of the paper. To be fair the JD did already save us tons of money by not prosecuting the previous administration for torture, wiretapping, or any other Constitutional violations, so maybe they should be allowed to print on one side of the paper.

Stormy Daniels' Political Advisor May Have Been Hit By Car Bomb: Reports
I think this Louisiana Senate race just got interesting. Not only is moralizing hooker banger running for re-election and being challenged by a famous porn star, that porn star's political adviser just survived a car bombing. Take note Chris Matthews, that's political hardball. Still though, car bombing the political adviser to a porn star? Somebody needs to give Dick Cheney something more productive to do with his free time.

A Rorschach Cheat Sheet on Wikipedia?
A helpful hint to all you TB crazies out there: Wikipedia has the answers to the Rorschach test. So when you're going through your next psych evaluation at your job or trying to throw the FBI off your trail of hobo murdering destruction, you'll know to answer "a pony" on the first card, instead of "the founding fathers laughing at my penis" or "the neighborhood dog, ordering me to kill again."

L.A. City Council considers providing loan for Cirque du Soleil performances
Sure, the promise of money has replaced real money in California and Governor Conan is just hacking things out of the budget, but doesn't the state need to get serious and start thinking about the economic stimulus benefits of bailing out an ultra-gay troupe of French-Canadian acrobats? I thought so.

Idea time

Entrepreneurial spirits we are here at These Bastards, Sean and I wished to pass onto you an idea that you might take and run wild with. Perhaps better plan to make money in these dark times than debasing yourself in the field of scrap metal thieving, prostitution, or book manufacturing/distribution. Recession porn, the brainchild of Glark:

I caught some construction workers down in the basement of my building going through discarded mailers from places like Talbot’s checking out photos of ladies in bras and underwear. We’re not even talking about Victoria’s Secret. We’re talking department store-grade stuff here. Trash suggested this was “recession porn”.

So if you want to get ahead of the wave, it’s time to start a porn site for times when we all need to set our sights a bit more realistically.

If you've got the money/stolen tin for the domain name, hit up GoDaddy and start building your recession/depression budget porn empire.

Larry Flynt is disgusted by a great many things

I know, I'm surprised too. The purveyor of all things pornographic has a bone to pick with Wall Street and the Octomom, aka Nadya Suleman, who has had her entire name replaced within our media so that we are allowed to hate her more. Seems the Hustler kingpin, professional deviant, first amendment fighter, and crusader against political hypocrisy isn't a fan of her parenting....or the fact that someone made her an offer to do porn before he did. He also opines on a proposed porn tax and the bailout.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Really, if Larry Flynt is criticizing your life disdainfully, you probably really need to rethink a whole lot of things. Seriously though, a porn tax? Must we pile on the working men and women of this country during such times?

But the man does talk some sense, though I'm not sure he entirely understands what will happen if we let everything fail. Or maybe he does and envisions a world where he rules the San Fernando Valley, nay southern California, as emperor and porn overlord. All hail the king.

Finally, a bailout we can get behind

And on top of. And underneath. And parallel to, with both me and the bailout on our sides, spoon-like, so that I can pretend to be doing a lot of work when really I'm just resting and nibbling on the bailout's neck and saying nice things so the bailout thinks I'm all sensitive and shit.

Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis said Wednesday they will request that Congress allocate $5 billion for a bailout of the adult entertainment industry.

I'll go on record as saying that I don't disagree with Flynt's logic: people are happier when they're fucking and porn makes people want to fuck. Or, at least, render them deeply depressed at the thought that they probably won't be fucking anytime soon. And what are sad, self-conscious people, America? They're good consumers, that's what. Look no further than the bars, liquor stores, candy aisles, and soon-to-be-empty-again gyms all over this great land of ours if you doubt me.

Trouble is, most of the people who watch a lot of porn -- naturally, Matthew and I would know nothing about this -- tend to a) not pay for it in the first place and b) fall asleep soon thereafter, usually about halfway through Big Trouble in Little China. So Flynt is neither getting paid nor encouraging procreation. But it's not as though he cares much about the latter so long as the former is in sight.

Still, very funny. And a fitting satirical tribute to the last few months. Cheers, Larry. You can piss away my tax dollars on pills any day of the week. Beats what GM is likely to do with them.