Thursday, January 29, 2009

Broken In Brief: Passengers report extra layers of condescension in stewardesses’ pre-flight safety demos

NEW YORK—With the recent harrowing yet successful water landing of a US Airways flight 1549 into the Hudson River a new emphasis has been placed on both passenger safety as well as crew preparedness. But passengers now report that with the successful landing and rescue of those 155 passengers, flight crews around the US have taken a new, some would say snottier and condescending tone, to the traditional pre-flight safety awareness demonstrations.

“Yeah, I’m not sure exactly how to describe it,” observed Southwest passenger Harry Edson. “It was sort of a ‘Maybe you dumb motherfuckers ought to pay attention to this since it might have just saved 155 lives.’ combined with an ‘I bet you used to think this was all needless bullshit and that any water landing would no doubt result in a plane smashing into the ocean an 600 miles an hour, killing you instantly. Shows what the fuck you know.’ But it was never verbal, you could just sort of tell from the looks they were giving and the sort of sarcastic and demeaning way they were doing the exit pointing and life vest demo. You should have seen the looks they flashed during the ‘seat back can be used as a flotation device’ part.”

Phone calls to Southwest were not returned. Later the FAA released a statement proclaiming that while airlines “reaaaaaaaaally appreciated” the increased scrutiny on the tone and demeanor of their flight crews and that they wouldn’t have time to answer any questions in person or over the phone seeing as they were “…too fucking busy spending every single goddamn day getting 6,000 88 ton hunks of metal with jets strapped to them to partake in the miracle of human flight.”

They further added that if we had any more concerns on their attempts to save our wretched lives in the event of a accident that we could write it on a piece of paper and stick it up our asses, then noted they hoped we had a nice drive home. Attached to the press release were several pages of statistics on the rate of car accidents and the rate of plane accidents with several of the more eye popping figures underlined and circled.

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