MELBOURNE—An increasingly frustrated Women’s Tennis Association and Association of Tennis Professionals called a press conference today to confirm seemingly baseless speculation that there is, in fact, a major tennis event going on right now. “You know right now some of the best tennis players in the world are gathering to contest the Australian Open, one of the four biggest events in the tennis world,” a despondent WTA President Stacey Allaster announced. “It’s a Grand Slam, which means it’s a pretty big deal. You really ought to be paying attention to it. You know, tennis? Racquets? Tennis balls? This is a major sporting event!”
After this statement was made a group of teenagers, who had stopped in the press conference tent to get out of the rain, looked around sheepishly, nodded, and promised they’d pay attention. However the conversation soon turned to Australia’s former status as a British prison colony, the new season of Lost, and the Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast. One youth was heard to remark, “Grand Slam? I think I would have heard about it if Tiger Woods were around.”
When asked to comment on the seeming lack of penetration of the Australian Open into the American sporting market, National Fan Aliance spokesman Brad Slarchek offered this response. “Tennis? That’s on now? Ehhh. I guess I’ll watch if that Federchek guy or Nader makes it to the finals,” he said while clicking through Super Bowl stories on ESPN.com. “Is the big assed Williams sister still in it? Maybe I’ll surf Deadspin later to see if there’s any really hot Russians left. I mean highlights worth watching.”
Both the WTA and ATP vowed to keep telling people that world class tennis is occurring at this very moment, but Mr. Slarchek remained skeptical. “What? I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention there. Hey, did you hear some of these Cardinals coaches used to be on the Steelers? Now that’s interesting.”
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