Broken In Brief: Burris stakes claim for lamp, end table

WASHINGTON--After his attempt to seize the senate seat vacated by President-Elect Barack Obama was rebuffed by Congress, former Illinois attorney general Roland Burris publicly claimed ownership of two floor lamps and a brass doorknob that were left behind in Mr. Obama's office and moved to claim an ornate end table gifted by the Prime Minister of Fiji and placed just outside the office entrance of the junior senator from Illinois.

Burris, who was appointed to the senate seat by Illinois Governor Rod "I'm so corrupt, I shit Daleys" Blagojevich, was told upon arriving at the Capitol that his credentials were not in order and that he would not be seated with the 111th Congress.

"Frankly, we are dismayed." said Burris attorney Timothy W. Wright III. "We intend to avail ourselves of the justice system and pursue this seat with everything at our disposal. In the interim, Mr. Burris plans to lay hands on Ted Kennedy's decanter, a couple of duvet covers, and a jar of that stuff they use to keep Nancy Pelosi's skin tight. I think it's beet juice. Anyone who tries to deny him these items is denying the will of the voters."

Efforts to get Mr. Burris on the record were rebuffed as the Senator-Select was busy trying to figure out the proper seat configuration in his Ford Windstar so that he could fit both the end table and his entire entourage inside. The final configuration was rumored to be both back seats down and Mr. Burris' press secretary sitting on the lap of Mr. Wright.