We missed him

Ted Stevens 2014? Former Senator Files For Candidacy

Former U.S. Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska has filed a statement of candidacy for the 2014 election, but an aide cautions against reading too much into the move.

Campaign treasurer Tim McKeever says the filing does not mean Stevens has decided to seek re-election. He says it simply was done to accept donations that came into the campaign after the November election.

Stevens lost to Democrat Mark Begich days after being convicted of lying on Senate disclosure forms, but the conviction was vacated this week because of prosecutorial misconduct.

I guess the man needs new vinyl siding on one of his houses and figures he won't get that shit for free if there's no possibility of him ever being in power again. For those of you at home, in 2014 Teddy will turn 91 and by turn 97 by the end of that term in 2020. He's an optimist to the last. The time out of office has humbled Ted and he's vowed to really hunker down and dedicate himself to getting some really nice stuff from the business leaders of Alaska. No more penny ante, free porch bullshit, only fine art and sacks with $ signs will be accepted. Thankfully all this lag time until the next election gives Ted a chance to collect enough souls of impressionable young children to provide a proper sacrifice to Ra, so that he may rule Alaska for another thousand years.

Who is to thank for all of this? The brilliant Bush Justice Department, who could only seemingly convict Tommy Chong competently and failed at pretty much everything else. Way to get Stevens freed on a technicality after he got caught red handed lying about the massive kickbacks and freebies he got during his reign as Alaska's grifter king. Fucked up another layup, kids. Did any of you actually do anything over those eight years other than bust up a mail order bong business and provide shoddy, legally bankrupt justifications for torture and wiretapping? Thanks.

HULK VINDICATE!

This is a joke, right? Right? A little good-natured April Fool's ribbing by the Justice Department?

The Justice Department has asked a judge to drop corruption charges against former Sen. Ted Stevens, saying prosecutors withheld evidence from the trial that led to his conviction.

Damn, that's some funny shit. You kids at Justice sure know how to cook a story.

The 85-year-old Alaska Republican was convicted late last year on seven felony counts of lying on Senate financial disclosure forms to conceal hundreds of thousands of dollars in gifts and home renovations from a businessman.

Yeah, seven counts. Seven. No way the team prosecuting this case could have screwed the pooch that badly, right? The more elaborate the lie, the more easily it'll be believed, right?

In early morning court filings Wednesday, the Justice Department said prosecutors withheld evidence from Stevens' defense team that could have been used at trial. Prosecutors asked that the charges be dropped.

Jesus... Well, they'll just declare a mistrial and haul his goldbricking ass back into court all over again, right?

They said they will not seek a new trial.

But we had all of these "Ted the Pin Cushion" and "Dartboard Hulk" jokes already written... Fuck it. I'm going back to bed.

Quick, unconvict Ted Stevens and re-elect him

Most of us here at These Bastards rejoiced, mocked, piled on, and laughed our asses off over the fact that Ted Stevens got his ass convicted and voted out of office. But we forgot about all the people who that would hurt, those who would be unduly affected by Tubes absence from the Senate. Of course by that I mean crooked lobbyists.

Until recently, there were few better ways to start a lobbying career than by leaving the office of Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska.

With 40 years of seniority on important Senate committees, Mr. Stevens, a Republican, wielded unrivaled power over industries like fishing, forestry, communications, aviation and the military, steering billions each year to pet Alaskan projects like Eskimo whaling, missile defense and even salmon-based dog treats called Yummy Chummies.

His power made his good will a valuable commodity on K Street, where many lobbying firms are located. During the past five years, just nine lobbyists and firms known primarily for their ties to Mr. Stevens reported over $60 million in lobbyist fees, not including other income for less direct “consulting.” The most recent person to leave his staff to become a lobbyist reported fees of more than $800,000 in just the last 18 months.

So when Alaskan voters narrowly rejected Mr. Stevens’s bid for re-election last month, just days after a jury convicted him of federal ethics violations, it was in some ways like the closing of the plant in a company town.

Ahh yes, the old bullshit factory got closed down. Whither the crooked lobbyists and their bagman Senator? Listening to all these lobbyists piss and moan that they'll no longer have a Senate seat bought and paid for and have a crooked vessel to pass their legislation makes it hard to believe that it took this long to get Ted Stevens convicted. Read it and marvel at the way he strong armed groups into hiring staffers fro high paid high ranking positions, how he'd practically vote for anything as long as there was some kickback to Alaska, and how his former staffers would rake in 6 to 7 figure fees solely for lobbying their old boss. It really is a marvel.

Now it's all up and gone, vanished like dust in the wind. Even if Begich is a total crook it'll take him years to get up to the level of Uncle Ted. According to lobbyists, Alaska will rue the day they voted out Teddy, because now they aren't going to benefit from all the bridges, land deals, and salmon dog treat companies he bequeathed upon them. That'll teach them to have a modicum of a conscience about massive public corruption.

Broken News: Ted Stevens waives appeal, joins Latin prison gang

ANCHORAGE—In a surprising move today former Alaska Senator Ted Stevens, recently convicted on seven felony counts of failing to report gifts and making false statements, waived his pending appeal of the verdict and voluntarily surrendered himself in to the authorities. According to Anchorage police, Stevens will be turned over to the U.S. Federal Marshall’s office whereupon he will be transported to the nearest Supermax facility, Pelican Bay State Prison in California.

When asked what possessed Stevens to take such a drastic measure, his spokesman explained, “With four decades of service brought to an end with his defeat last month, Mr. Stevens has decided to move on to new challenges. Mr. Stevens will submit himself to immediate incarceration and has accepted a position within the Nuestra Familia prison gang. He looks forward to using this time to build relationships and eventually, God willing, rise to a senior position within the group. Given the obvious extent of his guilt, Mr. Stevens believes that dragging this out any further would be a waste of time and taxpayer dollars.”

Reaction was surprisingly positive amongst Stevens' former colleagues on Capitol Hill. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell remarked, “I think it’s a brilliant move. Show those cholos and pendejos he’s committed to the, ‘Thug Life’, as I believe it's called. Surely the lessons he’s learned through his decades of service in the United States Senate and as a member in good standing of the Republican party will be equally applicable in a Mexican prison gang.”

Congressional historians anticipate no shortage of similarities between Stevens' rise through the Pelican Bay branch of Nuestra Familia and his rapid ascent to one of the most powerful senators in recent history. Many still remember the senator's first day in 1969 when, during an open floor session honoring retired President Pro Tempore Carl Hayden of Arizona, Stevens walked up to the man referred to as the “Silent Senator” and jabbed a pen into his neck, daring all present to “fuck with an OG from Nome.”

“Oh yeah, no one forgets that kind of thing,” remembered Larry Pendersen, a traumatized Senate page from the 90th and 91st US Congresses. “They say he got that pen from Girl Scout troop 1187. After he shanked Senator Hayden, he went back to his office, ordered ten boxes of Thin Mints, then used that same pen to write a note to the troop, thanking them for their thoughtful gift. After that, people knew he meant business and started to give him prime committee slots."

Former Democratic Senator and Presidential Candidate, Mike Gravel, spoke in uncharacteristically hushed tones about some of Stevens' darker moments. "He used to wander the halls of the Senate late at night, running a sharpened broom handle along the walls. Once, when I was working late, he came into my office, sat down across from me and talked for close to an hour about logging rights. The entire time, he stared straight into my eyes and ran the tip of that broom handle underneath his fingernails. Sometimes I still see it in my dreams."

When asked about Stevens' chances of success in this new endeavor, Pendersen suggested, "Honestly, I don't think Nuestra Familia knows what they’re getting into, what they've unleashed. He’ll have that gang running the drug and murder rackets in Pelican Bay within six months, just you wait.”

La Nuestra Familia has fallen on hard times as of late, with federal infiltration, arrests, and ongoing wars with both the Mexican Mafia and Aryan Brotherhood taking a toll on membership. The hope within the group is that by initiating such an experienced hand and noted hardass, the gang's future will brighten. Insiders have suggested Stevens' initial focus will be on updating the gang's formal written constitution and expand their business model beyond drug trafficking and brutal contract killings.

Sources close to the Senator say that he is exited to start his new life inside prison and is welcoming the upcoming challenges in earning the trust of his Latin brethren. They say he’s ready to build up the strength of the gang and reignite the battle with the Aryan Brotherhood and the Nazi Lowriders for control of former Familia strongholds and cell blocks. Stevens Chief of Staff George Lowe stated that “The Senator has watched every episode of OZ and is willing and able to defecate on the head of Schillinger or his Pelican Bay Nazi equivalent.”

In the moments between his exit from the Anchorage police station to a federal transport, a red bandana clad Stevens was asked why he had decided to join a Latin prison gang. The Senator paused, flashed a 1 and 4 with his fingers, showed off a tattoo with a dagger and a sombrero, and yelled out “Blood in, blood out, puta!” before being ushered into the back of the transport van.

Happy birthday Ted!

Begich defeats Stevens in Senate race

Mark Begich has defeated Sen. Ted Stevens in the election for U.S. Senate.

The Democratic Anchorage mayor widened his lead to 3,724 votes in today's counting of absentee and questioned ballots. The only votes left to count are approximately 2,500 special absentees from people living outside the U.S. or in remote parts of Alaska with no polling place.

The state will count those final ballots on Nov. 25.

Begich issued a statement just before 5 p.m. claiming victory, saying "I am humbled and honored to serve Alaska in the United States Senate."

That's right, Ted "Tubes" Stevens just got defeated. The man had been Alaska's senator practically since it became a state and before that he represented Alaska in Russia's Duma. Now he's free to run for the prison council seat representing E block.

As an added nut shot, today was Ted's 85th birthday. Awwwww. Everyone send Ted a bar of soap large enough to be whittled into a gun and blacked up with shoe polish so he can escape from the Supermax with his Irish Spring scented firearm. Ted can ask for a recount, but it's at the margins where he'd have to pay for it himself. Pity being that all his friends with money are in jail for bribery and kickbacks, so he'll have to dig deep if he really wants it.

Watch out for La Nuestra Familia and the Nazi Lowriders in the showers, Ted. They don't fuck around.

Alaska update: Hulk gets more smashed

Once the sun rises in Alaska and they hook the old women ballot counters up to car batteries, Ted Stevens will find himself down 814 votes and rising. The remaining ballots are from Begich-friendly districts and it's starting to smell like this race is all but over.

While no self-respecting political blog is ready to call it, I'm happy to offer, for your pleasure, this Ted Stevens Memorial Link.

Three. It's the magic number

Alaska finally got around to counting some of those votes today. It's a complicated process. An elderly lady has to climb to the top of an extremely tall ladder to reach the top shelf where all the votes are stored and is allowed to bring down one vote to be counted. It is repeated until all the votes are counted or the old woman dies of exhaustion, in which event she is replaced by another old woman. They counted about 40,000 votes, went through 4 old women, and with another 12,000 votes to go the current tally stands at...

Stevens (R) 125,016
Begich (D) 125,019

That's right, Begich is beating the Hulkster by three votes.

The campaign drags on...forever

You naively thought this whole campaign simply ended with election night. No, my sweet sweet children, it did not. You forgot about runoffs, recounts, and the apparently unending process of counting all 20 votes in Alaska. This election is going to last forever. John McCain is even back out there again, campaigning his ass off. I'm not sure if he had a complete mental break and thinks it's mid-October or if he realizes it's November, but he's out in Georgia stumping for Saxby Chambliss in his runoff against Jim Martin. He's hoping to bring that Mondale McCain magic to ole Saxby, so the Sax Machine doesn't have to resort to his usual tactics of running ads comparing his opponent to terrorists, dictators, and Northern abolitionists.

Jim Martin has also asked begged P-E Obama to come down and campaign for him. Also, to go back in time and get the black turnout he had and bring it to the present. For his part, Obama has sent down a team of 100 organizers in an attempt to bask Martin in reflected glory. There's even talk of bringing back America's Dumb Rural Aunt, Sarah Palin, down to Georgia to pick up a few clothes, get sandbagged by the Chambliss campaign, and accuse Martin of palling around with people who pal around with terrorists. That is if she can take time out of her schedule of giving interviews trying to dissuade the populace that all the stuff that sounds completely in character and totally true about her....isn't. The re-vote goes off December 2.

The article also breaks the news the in Alaska, Mark Begich has won about 62% of the absentee/questioned/early votes so far. He only has to win 52% to beat the Hulkster. Look for them to actually finish the first round of counting by the time Minnesota finishes it's 9th recount. The 2008 election will never end.

MN/AK Update

Most uncounted ballots will be tallied Wednesday

Look for the needle to move on Alaska's landmark U.S. Senate race and other tight contests this week, with the Division of Elections planning to tally more than half of the uncounted ballots Wednesday.

For days, the count has been frozen. Sen. Ted Stevens leads Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich by about 3,000 votes with roughly 30 percent of the ballots remaining to be counted, including:

• 61,000 absentee votes.

• More than 20,000 questioned ballots.

• 9,500 early votes.

If Begich wins 52% of these votes, Grifter Ted is shown the door.

Franken now just 206 votes behind

Six days after the election, unofficial results showed Republican Sen. Norm Coleman leading Democratic challenger Al Franken by 206 votes, a difference of about 1/100th of 1 percent that sets the stage for the automatic hand recount that will begin next week.

Monday was the deadline for counties to certify their results. Depending on the unknown number that may not have yet reported them to the state, that 206 figure could still change before the state Canvassing Board meets next week to certify the official total. Only then will the recount begin.

Coleman is wetting himself and the recount isn't even started, suing over 32 votes being allowed and losing. He doesn't seem confident the in the voters. Now's not too late to concede and put this painful/expensive recount behind you and stop hurting the state with correct tallying of votes, Al.

America's punching bag?

Nate Silver takes his best guess at why, after being convicted on seven felony counts last week, Alaska Senator Ted "HULKSMASHTUBES" Stevens is leading Democrat Mark Begich in their Senate race. This is especially interesting because it asploded all of 538's projections, which were dead-on in virtually every other race:

There are three plausible explanations I can think of to explain this discrepancy. The first and most likely is that the Democratic vote became complacent and did not bother to turn out. The outcome of the presidential contest was not going to be close in Alaska, and Barack Obama's victory in the Electoral College was apparent as of about 4 PM local time. Begich supporters, moreover, may have looked at the polls and concluded that their candidate was far enough ahead that they didn't have to bother to vote.

In other words, while many of you were initially inclined to look at this race and mock your backwoods brethren for endorsing a convicted felon, perhaps those self-righteous fingers are better pointed at Anchorage liberals who figured, "No way this state is going for Obama and Begich has to have it in the bag, right? Right?"

Right.

Maverick reformer who took on and reformed the corrupt oil companies in need of reform

At some point we'll stop kicking the McCain-Palin campaign on its way to the ground and settle for dancing on the corpse. I'm still not sure when and where this line is to be drawn, but for now let's just enjoy the following.

ST. PAUL -- Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin began building clout in her state's political circles in part by serving as a director of an independent political group organized by the now embattled Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens...

...Stevens had been helpful to Palin during her run for governor, swooping in with a last moment endorsement. And the two filmed a campaign commercial together to highlight Stevens's endorsement of Palin during the 2006 race.

Video can be seen HERE, courtesy of RollingStone.

AK Senate polling post-Smash

Stats savant Nate Silver takes a shot at predicting Ted Stevens' (Felon-AK) upcoming plunge in the polls courtesy of yesterday's little incident.

Let's assume that Stevens will also suffer a decline in his net approval score of 18 points. Since he's at roughly 50/50 now, that would put him in the range of 40 percent approve, 60 percent disapprove. Our regression model uses approval ratings for incumbent senators as one of its inputs, and thinks a decline of this magnitude would cost a senator about 6 points in the polls ... actually, 5.8 points. So what we're going to do is apply a 5.8 point penalty to Stevens' numbers in Alaska. Since the race was a toss-up before, this puts him about 6 points behind overall, making Mark Begich an 87 percent favorite to take his seat.

Silver is quick to call this forecast preliminary and even "conservative," but we won't really know until the polls commissioned yesterday come back in. Stay tuned and keep your eyes on Minnesota, Georgia, Mississippi, and Kentucky.

More Power!

Hulk? Smashed.

WASHINGTON — Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska was found guilty on Monday of violating ethics laws for failing to report gifts and services that he was given by friends.

Think Alaskans care? Last I checked, Teddy's Senate race was a toss-up...

Quick and speedy and violent

Sounds like the GOP's plant on Ted Stevens' jury was sniffed out:

The foreman of the jury in Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens's corruption trial asked today that a juror be removed following "violent outbursts" with other jurors and her refusal to "follow the rules and laws" during deliberations.

While someone who implores others to follow the rule of law might not sound like a Republican mole, keep in mind that far more clever covert operations have proved successful. Remember this guy? Also, the "violent outburst" stuff makes perfect sense.

Trouble is, it didn't work:

But U.S. District Judge Emmet G. Sullivan declined. He read the note in court and summoned the panel into the courtroom for what he called "a pep talk." He told the jurors to act with civility and sent them back to deliberate in the first trial of a sitting U.S. senator in more than two decades.

Then again, we are dealing with a Reagan appointee who, two weeks ago, pistol-whipped the government's prosecution for failing to disclose a document that said the exact same thing as several documents that had already been made available to the defense. All are punished. Get back to your justicin'.

That Other Branch: Alaska Senate Race

Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) consulting with his lawyer

Might as well take a break from all the "Please, Barry, don't fuck this up" chatter and bring you something completely unrelated to the Presidential Election. And what better topic to look to than the Senate? Now that I've got you all wet, allow me to explain. While there are several hotly contested seats up for grabs on the 4th -- we'll be getting into plenty of these over the coming days, mostly in an attempt to keep ourselves from going Arkham over What Could Possibly Go Wrong -- I wanted to make special mention tonight of the Alaska race between incumbent Ted Stevens (R) and his challenger, Mark Begich (D), the mayor of Anchorage.

For a time the notoriously brash and combative Stevens, known to wear an Incredible Hulk tie when he gets down to the serious legislatin', looked to be safe in his seat. But the race has gotten surprisingly interesting since Stevens, a Civil War veteran and the longest serving Republican in the Senate, was indicted in July on seven counts of failing to report gifts and subsequently charged with violating several provisions of the Ethics in Government Act. The issue at hand? About a quarter million dollars in home improvements and expansions for which the Senator did not, apparently, pay.

The trial has been about as amusing as they come. When Stevens took the stand at the speedy trial he demanded, he immediately invoked Marion Barry's famous "Bitch Set Me Up" defense, claiming that his wife was responsible for all things in the home. Further complicating matters was the cooperation of Bill Allen, a former oil company executive who allegedly arranged for the renovations to be completed without cost to Sen. Stevens. At present, the jury is deliberating. Also at present, fivethirtyeight.com has the race (finally) leaning toward Stevens' opponent, Mayor Begich, now that Alaskans have apparently gotten around to reading all those newspapers they have up there.

In summary, we already had an interesting race between a progressive mayor of a city 50 times larger than Wasilla and an abrasive old coot famous for calling the internet a "series of tubes" from the bed he was sharing with the telecommunications industry during the net neutrality debates. Now, we get to see what a conviction or exoneration might do to such a race. Stay tuned.

the internets are a series of embezzlements

Goodnight, sweet Alaskan prince:

New information filed late Thursday by federal prosecutors says Sen. Ted Stevens made more than $100,000 in profit off a Florida real estate deal after a friend secretly loaned him $31,000 interest-free to buy a condominium.

The condo deal came to light in a motion describing what sort of evidence federal prosecutors plan to introduce in their case against him.

Consider your Hulk smashed.

You've made Ted Stevens angry, you wouldn't like him when he's angry

When he is discussing issues that are especially important to him, Stevens wears a necktie with The Incredible Hulk on it to show his seriousness.

Ted Stevens, Hulk aficionado, the Senate Majority Project's "Drama Queen of the US Senate", creator of "The Bridge To Nowhere", the man who knows the internet is not a truck but a series a tubes, and longest serving Republican Senator, was indicted today on 7 criminal charges, severely clogging said tubes in the blogosphere.

They range in seriousness but the big one is for failing to report gifts in excess of $250,000 dollars that included a new first floor, garage, wraparound deck, plumbing, and electrical wiring for his vacation home, a Viking gas grill, furniture and tools. The gifts were, unsurprisingly, from oil services company VECO Corp. Stevens is, unsurprisingly, for drilling the arctic. He wore his Hulk tie to show how serious he was about drilling. For serious.

It's hard to see how Stevens got off so light. Fellow Alaskan congressman Don Young is under investigation for similar charges, VECO CEO Bill J. Allen admitted to bribery and in court papers acknowledged making $243,000 in illegal payments to Ted Stevens son Ben, an Alaskan state senator, and VECO VP Rick Smith also pleaded guilty to bribery. Everyone around him is going down for bribery and corruption and he's, as of yet, only been charged with making false statements and failing to report his graft and dirty dealings. He's vowed to fight the charges, but it's hard to see what his defense will be based on when essentially a company liked his stoogery and boot licking so much they decided he needed an extra story on his house and that his son could use a quarter mil in fuck around money.

Per Republican Senate caucus rules he can no longer serve as chairman or ranking member of a committee because of the indictment. Stevens is a ranking member of the Senate Commerce, Marvel Comics, Science, Tubes, and Transportation Committees. But he does get bonus points from the caucus for this scandal not being an embarrassing sexual one.

NOW has a corruption timeline and the Alaska Daily News has a rundown of everyone involved.