At least this didn't take 400 years to correct. Ask Galileo.

After months and months of the kind of bad PR your get when it's found you have continued to ignore child molestation and rape cases, have let priests go unpunished, stood in the way of justice, and reacted with a tin ear when governments, people, and law enforcement decided to pick up the slack, the Catholic Church has come out with some new guidelines into the handling and prosecution of sexual abuse cases. Namely 1: they will now actually care about or pretend to care about sexual abuse cases. And 2: they totally promise to rap a few knuckles this time.

See, when you threaten to arrest and question the Pope in a legal deposition, shit gets done.

Maybe I'm explaining it poorly. Let's have the Lord dumb it down for us.

In its most significant revision to church law since a sex abuse crisis hit the United States a decade ago and roared back from remission in Europe this spring, the Vatican on Thursday issued new internal rules making it easier to discipline priests who have sexually abused minors.
...
In its revision, the Vatican doubled the statute of limitations in abuse cases from 10 to 20 years from the victim’s 18th birthday and added possession of child pornography and the sexual abuse of mentally disabled adults to the list of crimes handled by the Vatican’s doctrinal office, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith.

In a statement, the Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Federico Lombardi, said the changes were a sign of the church’s commitment to addressing child sex abuse with “rigor and transparency.”

Good. It seemed the previous modus operandi was to molest children with vigor and transparent, erotic vestments.

But, lest we commit the sin of too much internet snark, we will at least offer up our tepid applause. After all, while this is a sweeping new policy, it's one that should have been an obvious move, oh, say, a long fucking time ago. Plus, all it is now is some words on a paper, let's see you put it into action, as you lot don't have the best record when it comes to following your own guidelines on not fucking kids. Make it more than, as Bishopaccountability.org put it, "administrative tinkering of a secretive internal process."

Still, I'm surprised. Not that they finally did something, no, overwhelming, constant, and unrelenting negative attention, combined with cries of outrage, police raids, and threats of legal action will light a fire under a person's ass. I'm surprised that the modern, foot-shooting Catholic Church didn't find a way to bollocks this all up with some tin eared proclamation or ill conceived announcement.

But in a move that infuriated victims’ groups and put United States bishops on the defensive, it also codified “the attempted ordination of women” to the priesthood as one of the church’s most grave crimes, along with heresy, schism and pedophilia.

There it is.

Cheap Blogging Crutch - 5.20.10

Happy Everybody Draw Muhammad Day!

Hey, Internet, can you keep a secret? Good. I have something to confess. Remember a few days back when Miss USA won the scandalous competition after pictures of her pole dancing surfaced? I really should have mentioned it at the time, but I'm the pole. Yeah, I know, conflict of interest and such. But if you'd been me, would you have stopped her? Exactly. Envy me. And now, for delicious linkage:

As some five or six of you might have noticed, the World Cup begins three weeks from tomorrow. Given that most of our audience is American -- no, we haven't forgotten about our loyal following in Slovenia -- we wanted to pass along this handy guide from The Unlikely Fan, which translates the personalities and skill levels of all 32 World Cup qualifiers into easily recognizable American sports franchises.

Pennsylvania Attorney General and gubernatorial candidate Tom Corbett has subpoenaed Twitter in an attempt to identify anonymous critics. We, for two, are shocked, SHOCKED that a state AG who, for purely political purposes, joined in baseless lawsuits questioning the constitutionality of health care reform turned out to be a thin-skinned prick willing to bend the law in order to intimidate and punish anyone who criticizes him. The best part? This awful jackass is going to force Matthew to vote for Dan Onorato.

Tea Party champion and enemy to balanced breakfasts everywhere, Rand Paul, won the Republican Senate nomination in Kentucky largely on his reputation as an enemy of federal spending and its overwhelming effect on our daily lives. That is, he's an enemy of federal spending unless cuts would take some of those juicy Medicare dollars out of his pocket. Yeah, that Libertarian streak always runs real hard... right up until its proponents have to apply it to themselves. I guess he's just not that big on the "hard parts of freedom," unless they're being endured by black people.

With all the recent oil spill coverage (ha!), Texas school board fuckery, and election news, the Catholic Church has been getting a bit of a pass on TheseBastards. First, we would like to apologize. Won't happen again. Second, we would like to point out that in Catholicism, if a Priest rapes and tortures innocent children, he is moved to another parish. If a nun at a Catholic hospital allows a woman to undergo a life-saving abortion procedure, she is excommunicated. Think if she'd raped either mother or fetus, they'd have let her stay on?

We leave you, on this glorious Thursday, with the best piece from this week's Onion.

Holy Dong

Controversial crucifix creates rift at Warr Acres church

Churchgoers are outraged over a crucifix in a Catholic church that they say shows an image of genitalia on Jesus.
...
"There are a couple people who have left the parish,” said the Rev. Philip Seeton, the church’s pastor. "There are people in the parish who don’t like it and have stayed.”

Critics of the crucifix take issue with what appears to be a large penis covering Jesus’ abdominal area. Seeton said the portion of the crucifix in question is meant to be Jesus’ abdomen "showing distension” — not a penis.
...
Janet Jaime, a local iconography artist who designed the crucifix, had no comment.

We must commend Ms. Jaime. It's not often you get a chance to do artistic work for the church, end up drawing a huge cock on the Lord, and then when Church leaders ask you what the dong shaped item coming out of Jeezey Creezy's britches is you have the wherewithal to say "Uh... it's... a... distended abdomen.... because of the... uh.... crucifixion... yeah, that's it" and the church leaders go "Oh, yes, naturally" and hang it up.

I mean what are the parishioners mad about? It is a Godly wang, worth of Diamond J himself. Did they want it made bigger? He was the Son of God, but let's not start defying the reasonable limits of what is possible on the human body.

I don't know what the outrage is about. I mean the Church and Christian offshoots in general have been so maniacally obsessed with other people's cocks for the past decade or so, I guess the artist just thought it'd be something they want their picture of the Lord to deal with as well. Plus it allows them to focus on something within the Catholic church that doesn't have anything to do with kids getting abused and molested and no one doing anything about it. Win win.

So if anyone ever wondered what the Lord's holy twig and berries looked like, we now have a Church sanctioned artist's conception. Now you see why we worship Him.


[via Towleroad]

In which we offer PR help to the Catholic Church

Pope Prada I meets Cardinal Pedobear

The Catholic Church is in a bit of hot water as of late, what with the whole 'raping kids and not doing anything about it' scandal. From revelations that the church refused to do anything to a man who molested 200 deaf kids, to revelations that the Pope himself resisted action against pedophile priests citing "the good of the universal church", accusations that you've "killed the church", inaction in other child rape cases, to threats of legal prosecution against the church, stripping of papal immunity in the UK, to the imminent buddy cop team-up and arrest of the Pope by rogue cops Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins, it seems the Pope is in for a rough couple of months... followed by a rough eternity in one of nine circles.

So seeing as he's in a spot of trouble, we figured that The TB Public Relations Conglomerate are the obvious ones to give him advice on how to proceed and provide critiques of their recent media strategies and statements. First, my credentials: I was born on Good Friday and thus am probably the resurrected Messiah, I have been to or seen a church within the last decade, and can remember several instances and interactions with priests where I wasn't raped. Satisfied?

Onward with a critical review of current Vatican media strategies. Remember, this is for you own benefit, Benedict.

Bill Donohue, President of the Catholic League.

"The Times continues to editorialize about the "pedophilia crisis,: when all along it's been a homosexual crisis."... “It’s not a pedophilia” because “most of the victims were post pubescent,” as old as 12 or 13 years of age. Anything older than that is the fault of gays."

Nicely deflected. Not only is it an overarching gay conspiracy, but it isn't pedophilia, because the priests were merely raping 12 and 13 year olds. It's practically not a crime then. Still, some might not be swayed by the logic of that argument, so you might want to emphasize how raping kids once they hit their teens is practically a commandment. Plus, you referred to the New York Times as "The Times" and not "The Jew York Times". It seems like you were attempting a full triple twisting back crazy and pulled out and only singled it. We're going to have to deduct points for mild sanity in between blaming gays, parents, and everyone but the priests or the church for it. Practice the full crazy and get back out on that horse.

Grosseto Bishop Giacomo Babini

A website quoted Giacomo Babini, the emeritus bishop of Grosseto, as saying he believed a "Zionist attack" was behind the criticism, considering how "powerful and refined" the criticism is. ... Allegedly speaking to the Catholic website Pontifex, Babini, 81, was quoted as saying: "They do not want the church, they are its natural enemies. Deep down, historically speaking, the Jews are God killers."

Nicely played. The controversy so much isn't child rape, church negligence, and cover-ups, no. The controversy is how the Jewish run media is coordinating coverage of these legitimate claims of abuse and accusations of church inaction/malfeasance. This is the kind of advanced blame shifting and Jew baiting that one can only learn from a lifetime in the Church. Take notes, Mr. Donohue. Do be careful about trying to ascribe conspiracies, Jewish or otherwise, to this scandal. It has the danger of making people thing of other conspiracies. Like a conspiracy to cover up sexual abuse of children over a period of decades by a central religious authority.

Cardinal Angelo Sodano, during an Easter Mass at the Vatican.

Sodano's praise for Benedict as well as the church's 400,000 priests worldwide cranked up a vigorous campaign by the Holy See to counter what it calls a "vile" smear operation orchestrated by anti-Vatican media aimed at weakening the papacy and its moral authority. ... "Holy Father, on your side are the people of God, who do not allow themselves to be influenced by the petty gossip of the moment, by the trials which sometimes buffet the community of believers," Sodano said.

Again, nicely played by a high church muckity muck. Glibly reducing credible accusations and investigations, teary confessions, and tacit admission from the church that these accusations are true and that they saw no need to punish guilty priests further as "vile smears" and "petty gossip" is always the right track when discussing facts. Though I would not that your choice of venue, the Easter Mass at the Vatican, does smack a little of "preaching to the converted". It might be the textbook definition. Try to get a few feet outside of the Vatican next time. Also, embracing the Pope immediately afterward might not have been the best idea. If charges are brought that incident could make you an accessory to a crime.

Writer Matt Taibbi

The Catholic Church is a Criminal Enterprise.

This may be true but it is not helpful to the cause to point this out.

Vienna's Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn

Vienna's Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn, speaking of Benedict's long years as head of a Vatican office that investigates abuse, said the future pope "had a very clear line of not covering up but clearing up." ... "I admit that I often feel a sense of injustice these days. Why is the church being excoriated? Isn't there also abuse elsewhere?

Ahh, nicely done. When in doubt, state the exact opposite of everything that the media is revealing about Pope Benedict's actions while in charge of disciplining priests. Acknowledging someone else's reality is the first step towards losing an argument. Which is why I'm more disappointed in the second statement. Sure, the "everyone else is raping kids and covering it up, we aren't the only ones" defense looks sound on paper and is a real winner in terms of public support, but you acknowledging the media narrative and also tacitly admitting that priests rape kids and the church covers it up. Which is bad. The admitting it, I mean.

Cardinal William Levada, head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith

"I am not proud of America's newspaper of record, The New York Times, as a paragon of fairness."

Yes! Question the source. Just how reliable is one of the world's most reliable papers anyway? Though in the Times defense they are just passing on the accusation of 200 deaf boys, not making the accusations themselves. So the question is: do you want to question the credibility of 200 deaf children and wage a PR battle against them? The answer might seem like an obvious yes, but keep in mind there is a lot of sympathy on their side. After all, they were raped over a series of decades and nothing was done about it.

Anthony Fisher, bishop of Parramatta

''Last century we tried godlessness on a grand scale and the effects were devastating,'' he said. ''Nazism, Stalinism, Pol-Pottery, mass murder and broken relationships: all promoted by state-imposed atheism or culture-insinuated secularism.''

Nicely pointed out. Where would we be without the Catholic Church? What if we were all atheists? What would we be getting up to if we rejected the teaching of the church? Probably something awful like raping kids and covering it up. I can't bear to think of that reality.

An unsigned editorial from the Vatican

[it accused] the NY Times of willfully ignoring the "truth" of Ratzinger/Benedict's record and of attempting "to instrumentalize, without any foundation in fact, horrible episodes and sorrowful events uncovered in some cases from decades ago." The media, it continued, showed a "despicable intent of attacking, at whatever cost, Benedict XVI and his closest collaborators."

That's right, not only is this really only an issue that the Times is dragging up, this all happened decades ago. Who can remember what happened last week, let alone decades ago? The past isn't important or legally actionable. Though again, try to refrain from alleging a conspiracy or using words like collaborators. It tends to make people think a group of people within the church, including the Pope, might have "collaborated" on trying to cover up abuse cases. Best not mention that kind of thing at all. Bonus points for not signing the editorial. That takes bravery.

New York Times Op-Ed Columnist, Ross Douthat

In reality, the scandal implicates left and right alike. The permissive sexual culture that prevailed everywhere, seminaries included, during the silly season of the ’70s deserves a share of the blame, as does that era’s overemphasis on therapy.

Yes, blame the left. It works well in American politics, why won't it help shield the church from rape allegations? I mean weren't these crimes the hallmark or leftist hippies and their 60's and 70's culture? What was it they said at Woodstock "Watch out for the brown acid and if you see a kid grab him and do whatever you want"? Wasn't Purple Haze about covering up abuse allegations? Still, while these are useful additions to the defense, they should not be made from the pages of the New York Times. Haven't you seen the attempts to demonize the Times and blame it for the scandal. Or should I say "scandal". If op-ed columns blaming hippies and saying the Pope shouldn't resign are coming from the Times then how is it an effective demonization tool? It isn't. Shape up.

So there, I hope that helped out with the Catholic Church's efforts to blame everyone else. I hope that these tips and messaging strategies will provide useful when attempting to pretend that credible stories, abuse allegations, evidence, and paper trails leading to the Pope don't mean anything. But I want you to remember the keys to this strategy: don't ever admit you did anything wrong (infallibility), don't ever apologize, don't ever attempt to punish or give a stern talking to any accused priests, don't ever appear to have a shred of human compassion, ethics, morality, or empathy, above all think of yourselves, and protect the Pope at all costs to your credibility and religion.

You stick to that plan and soon you'll have completely eradicated Christianity from the earth. That is your goal, right? If it isn't I'm going to have to change my advice.

Bishop-to-Pawn(s) Ridiculous3

CJ Werleman takes Catholic Bishop Anthony Fisher -- he of "Nazism, Stalinism, Pol Pot-ery, mass murder, abortion and broken relationships" can be attributed to atheism fame -- to task for his blatant misrepresentation of history during this year's Good Friday sermon.

Oh brother, how your crucifix wearing kind love to scare folk into believing atheism gave us Hitler and Stalin. It’s a tired argument, and one that has been proven historically flawed a million times over. So, I will keep this brief. Firstly, Hitler was raised a Roman Catholic and never renounced his faith. He forced his ideology of Nazism onto the German population. The Holocaust was just a continuation of what Christians have done to the Jews throughout Europe for the previous 1,500 years, in which Jewish populations were blamed for every societal ill from small pox to famines. In regards to Stalin, he was educated in a seminary and used all the levers of religious belief to cultivate his cult of personality – as all those in the dictator business do.

Werleman also chastises Fisher for completely ignoring religion's role in 20th century bloodletting, as well as regurgitating the fundamentally flawed argument that a better life without God is impossible. The full bollocking is available here at the Rationalists Blog.

Broken News: Millions of American Protestants Thought Themselves Welcome at St. Patrick's Day Celebrations

EAST O KERRY, SOUTH O CORK—As inebriated street brawls were broken up and millions on tons of sawdust were thrown on millions of tons of vomit to officially close this year's St. Patrick’s Day festivities, millions of non-Catholics, specifically Protestants, remained ignorant that their presence was unwelcome at the Bacchanalian merriment.

“Whoooo! Another awesome St. Pat’s in the books! Whoo!” shouted James Kenny, an inebriated banker, Protestant, and part-time stand in and cipher for all the followers of Martin Luther as he tipsily walked down the street. “Good to celebrate the ‘ole Irish heritage with a bit of drinking and singing of some Irish folk tunes. It’s a great day to celebrate Ireland.”

When told that the St. Patrick’s Day holiday was not in fact a celebration of Ireland, but a Catholic religious holiday, Kenny initially seemed confused.

“Cath-o-what?” the poor man said, trying to steady himself as he pissed against a wall.

“Let me help you understand,” offered nearby Irish historian and parade rainer, Francis Connor.

“The first tip off that this is a Catholic holiday is that it is a day celebrating a Saint. You assholes use that phrase to refer to anyone who follows Christ and think our use of it is a kind of idolatry. We, more sensibly, use it to refer to those who have done magical shit in the name of God; like drive all the snakes out of Ireland. This is a basic schism in the Catholic-Protestant divide.”

“Nah, but… green and shit. Color of Ireland! Erin go bragh!” the poor foolish man said as he wobbled down the street.

“Point of fact, blue is actually the national color of Ireland,” Connor explained, hoping to ruin all further St. Patrick’s Days for this man. “More specifically light blue is the color associated with St. Patrick himself. Actually on the English Royal Standard, Ireland is represented by a harp”

“Harp ale! And a Guinness, my good man,” Kenny yelled to a barkeeper he had hallucinated.

“By a harp on a field of blue,” Connor pedantically continued.

“People traditionally use green to describe Ireland because the place is itself to green and is nicknamed the emerald isle. In actuality the use of green as a specifically ‘Irish’ color is only used by ignorant Americans. Green is actually the color of Irish Catholics. Orange is the color of Irish Protestants… and the Dutch. It’s all symbolized on the Irish flag: green on the left for Catholics, orange on the right for Protestants, and white in the middle to symbolize peace between them.”

“Did you see any fucking orange or light blue around?” Conner asked.

“Yeah, buzzat’s juuuscuz people donwanna get pinched,” Kenny continued, flagrantly violating open container and public intoxication laws.

“No, dear boy, the pinching of people who don’t wear green is just a low level version of another longstanding Irish Catholic tradition: violence against those who aren’t Irish Catholics,” explained Conner, whilst punching the shit out of two girls who were not wearing green.

“Ibbet your gonna try to ruin shamrocks for me now. Shamrock shakes too,” Kenny screamed.

“Precisely! Shamrocks were used by St. Patrick to illustrate the Trinity and also were a symbol of Catholic rebellion against religious persecution,” Connor continued, sucking the life out of a holiday that is now essentially about getting three sheets to the wind while listening to ‘Shipping Up to Boston’ on a continuous loop.

“Shamrock shakes, on the other hand, fucking own!”

With that declaration, a group surrounding the two men, hoping that they would eventually get into a bloody religious tinged drunken fight, broke into a raucous cheer and looked around for the nearest McDonald’s.

“Fuggoff, I just want to get drunk,” Kenny explained, before choosing a spot in an alley where he felt comfortable sleeping.

With those words, Connor smiled. Knowing that Kenny finally understood the true meaning of St. Patrick’s Day, he left to go find another Protestant he could give the same speech to. Hoping that the next time, he’d actually be able to goad the man into a fight.

O'Cheap Blogging Crutch 03.17

Catholic Sisters Support Passage of Healthcare Bill
The nuns have weighed in on the health care bill and they find it acceptable. Not only that but they, as is their way, take to scolding those who make "false claims to the contrary" about the abortion provisions of the bill. Who are those who make "false claims to the contrary"? The Catholic Bishops. Don't fuck with the nuns, boys, you'll get a goddamn ruler across the knuckles.

Social Immobility: Climbing The Economic Ladder Is Harder In The U.S. Than In Most European Countries
Dan Froomkin brings to light a study from the Organization for Economic Co-Operation and Development that show s that the capitalist hating, socialist, weak kneed, health care havers in Europe actually foster a society that is more open to generational movement along socioeconomic ladders than the United States of Freedom, despite our full of shit, blowhard claims to the contrary. If you're born poor and want a good shot to make it out of poverty and into the penthouse? Move to Scandinavia. If you're born poor and want to stay poor? Stay here, as a bonus you'll get to hear a lot of hot air about how you can become anything you want while the system conspires against you and tells you you must be lazy or deficient for not beating a rigged game.

Kucinich To Vote Yes On Health Care Reform--Here's Why
Ahh, pity the man with a conscience. Sure Kucinich isn't a fan of the bill and would prefer, ad has worked for, a better health care plan for the people of this country. But unfortunately principled objection puts you on the side of the people screaming about liquefying grandma and doesn't actually improve people's health care. It's a shame he's just not a political nihilist who doesn't care what happens to Americans and is willing to destroy the whole thing in a petty temper tantrum. Then he probably could have gotten what he wanted. You know, like Stupak, Nelson, and Lieberman did. Damn his sense of shame. At the very least he has a very, very hot wife who will console him.

C-Span Puts Full Archives on the Web
Are you like me? A ruggedly handsome, semi-inebriated blogger who sometimes just looks into the sky and scream "Why God? Why can't I find anywhere that has video of a 1990 House Amending Motion to name a Post Office after Audie Murphy?" Well we're in luck, because finally C-SPAN is putting every single shred of video they have online. Get a IV drip and hold open you eyes Clockwork Orange style, because I think we both just found out what we're going to be watching for the next couple of months.

Hawaii Birthers Bill: State May Start Ignoring Requests For Obama Citizenship
How annoying are the Obama birthers who, despite the appearance of Obama's birth certificate and assurances from several Hawaiian officials that the man is a US citizen, still believe he's a sleep agent Muslim from Kenya? Well they driven the Hawaiian legislature to consider a law ignoring all Obama birth certificate requests in the name of saving time, money, and sanity of the people who actually have to respond to these kooks. I think you can see where this is going: the Obama birthers view this move as part of the greater Obama birth conspiracy and redouble their efforts, causing Hawaii more pain. You can't win with these people, Hawaii, you can't win.

The Pope's cheif exorcist

The Devil is living in the Vatican, says the Pope's chief exorcist

CHILD sex scandals rocking the Catholic Church are proof of the Devil living in the Vatican, the Pope's chief exorcist claims.

Father Gabriel Amorth, 84, who has carried out more than 70,000 exorcisms in 50 years, said that Pope Benedict "fully agreed" with him in "casting out evil"
...
"The Devil lives in the Vatican. Naturally it's difficult to find proof but the true consequences are visible. We have cardinals who don't believe in Christ, bishops connected with demons. Then we have these stories of paedophilia. You can see the rot when we speak of Satan's smoke in the holy rooms of the Vatican."

This may be my favorite headline ever. Hell, it may be my favorite job title ever. Both Sean an I agree we'd just like to hold that job, even honorarily for a minute or two, just so we could put that on a resume with "Did mortal battle with Satan. Cast out evil spirits. Put soul at hazard." underneath it explaining what the job entailed.

Who's a man gotta make a pact with to get that job? I imagine it to either be exactly like the movie Constantine, i.e. shooting demons in the face/beating the unholy shit out of Gavin Rossdale/Peter Stormare is the devil. Or maybe it's like being part of the SWAT team where you rappel out of a helicopter in cardinal's robes with a bunch of Benedictine monks holding Kalashnikovs, kick open a door/swing through a window, boot the afflicted in the chest, smash a vial of holy water on them, touch a cross to their forehead, a little Nomine Patris, Filii, et Spiritus Sancti later, and to get back in the helicopter and go off to save the next poor soul... for the Pope.

At least the Church is finally starting to blame the Devil for all the shady shit that goes on and is covered up. A little man in a red horned suit carrying a hayfork is a better religious explanation for covering up child abuse than saying "everyone was doing it", claiming the Pope is being set up, or just outright defending it. "The Devil did it" is a much better reason. It's somehow makes it all less evil.

Getting it

We have made great hay over the past few weeks knocking supposed pro-life supporters for outright opposing the health bill or trying to play hardball on the health care bill in a manner that they say will result in the death of health reform if they don't get their way. "How can one oppose something that will have lives, hundreds of thousands of lives, and still call themselves pro-life" the question typically goes.

But, these people, mostly the Stupak-ers in the House led by the US Conference of Catholic Bishops, would rather make a dishonest point over arcane wording in a health bill that already moves to put greater restrictions on women deciding what they want to do with their own bodies then actually contribute to saving actual people's actual lives.

But it seems that one pro-life organization seems to understand that and realizes how important it is for a cause allegedly committed to life to support a bill that helps save lives. Unsurprisingly, it's the Catholic organization that actually deals with health care: the Catholic Hospital Association.

A group representing Catholic hospitals Saturday rallied behind President Barack Obama's health care bill ahead of a House vote in which anti-abortion lawmakers could play a decisive role.

The chief executive of the Catholic Health Association, Carol Keehan, wrote on the group's Web site that although the legislation isn't perfect, it represents a "major first step" toward covering all Americans and would make "great improvements" for millions of people. The more than 600 Catholic hospitals across the country do not provide abortions as a matter of conscience.
...
''We are trying to respect other people's conscience and views,'' she said. ''But we also weigh in with our conscience and views. We think this bill is a good first step to health care reform.''

Their full statement is here. They were also joined by the Catholics in Alliance for the Common Good, who released their own letter supporting the plan.

Who knew that rationally looking at what's in the bill, not resorting to dishonest political grandstanding, not lying, and calmly voicing support for a measure which saves lives was going to become a part of the pro-life movement? Or should I say, part of a small section of the pro-life movement. Well done.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 03.12

Waterboarding for dummies
We all know that waterboarding was like a gentle dunk into a lavender and lemon scented bath. Not only that, but Guantanamo is literally like a day spa. But some people, like those who read internal documents outlining our nation's waterboarding practices, want to claim that the procedure was brutal, involved the special design of torture tools, and a liquid diet so that the detainees would not choke to death on their own vomit and lose consciousness. They also devised the use of a special saline solution to drown people with, because the volume of water being forced down the brown people's throats was so great that they were in danger of ultra-rare hyponatremia. You know, frat house prank stuff. Stick out that chest with pride America, it was all done in your name to little discernible benefit.

Nebraska Prenatal Bill Stirs Fight Over Immigration
The typical sarcastic jibe towards pro-lifers is that "life begins at conception and ends at birth", noting how many right wing "life" advocates try to fuck those kids medically, socially, economically, and politically the second they are born. But in Nebraska we're seeing another new strain of pro-life advocacy: the fetus is a life... unless it's a Mexican one, then who gives a fuck? It's part of the Nebraska legislatures new attempt to deny prenatal care to poor, pregnant immigrants. Seriously. I guess it's biblically valid, Jesus weren't no Mexicano.

Did Focus On The Family Board Force Dobson Out?
James Dobson has been pushed aside by Focus on the Family. He founded the organization in 1977 as a vehicle to explain to Americans how gays were causing earthquakes and tornadoes, and has now been removed from the chairmanship of the group and forced to give up his radio show. The reason is presumably that the board doesn't want their organization to bee seen as hatefully crazy and that some have even broached the idea that people who don't vote Republican might be legitimate humans. So they're attempting to modernize and court Democrats. Yeah, I just shuddered at that last sentence too. Anyway, they point is that James Dobson is out of work. So if you happen to have some gays in your neighborhood that need shouted at or some sluts that need shamed... you could do worse. Give him a call.

Church Abuse Scandals 'Creeping Ever Closer' To The Pope
For those of you who like watching the Catholic Church collapse under the wight of it's own crimes, cover-ups, and inability to actually follow the teachings of that beard guy with the holes in his hands, you might want to take note at the recent goings on at the Vatican with Pope Versace I. Yes yes, gay prostitution scandal, but must you focus on the tawdry? There's an actual physical abuse scandal... that involves the Pope's brother. Okay, there's allegations of sexual abuse too, but the man has already admitted the physical abuse charges. At least they're branching out, keeping things fresh.

Health Care Close After Democrats, White House Meet
Are you ready to get your hopes up one last time? It seems that House Democrats, Senate Democrats, and the White House are thiiiiiiis close to hashing out a compromise to get the fuck over themselves and pass a goddamned health care reform bill. Again. You'll note that this is totally different from the last time they all announced they were thiiiis close to hashing out a compromise and that they were going to move on health care soon. And it'll probably lead to another situation where they announced that they have moved even closer to hashing out a compromise to pass a reform bill. If only they had the same conviction for voting on a health care bill as they had for announcing that they were close to voting on a bill, well, we'd have a bill passed. But don't worry, they're getting to it. They promise. Just a few more months. They're close.

You're all right, pornography

Though lost on girlfriends, parents, clergy, and several uniformed police officers, my nearly two decade-old argument that pornography is good for you now has science as its ally.

Hey, Milton Diamond, professor in the department of anatomy, biochemistry and physiology at the University of Hawaii and director of the Pacific Center for Sex and Society, talk dirty to me.

Over the years, many scientists have investigated the link between pornography (considered legal under the First Amendment in the United States unless judged “obscene”) and sex crimes and attitudes towards women. And in every region investigated, researchers have found that as pornography has increased in availability, sex crimes have either decreased or not increased.

Ooh, that's right. What else, baby?

Despite the widespread and increasing availability of sexually explicit materials, according to national FBI Department of Justice statistics, the incidence of rape declined markedly from 1975 to 1995. This was particularly seen in the age categories 20–24 and 25–34, the people most likely to use the Internet.

Mmm... yeah. Harder. Harder!

What does correlate highly with sex offense is a strict, repressive religious upbringing.

Aaaaand I'm spent. What a way to finish, too. I mean, who could have imagined there would be a link between strict religious upbringing and sexual deviance?

People of earth, science has enabled you to freely fap unfettered. Go now, and beat your parts like they owe you money. Hey, it's science.

Men of God

Homosexuality and the church, they go together like chocolate and peanut butter. Only if the chocolate continually and openly denounced the peanut butter, but kept opening up Reese's Peanut Butter Cup factories in secret all over the world.

Now, if I were to say "Vatican Gay Prostitution Ring", the natural response would be "Which one?" Well, I'm talking about the one that's going on now, not all the other ones.

"Put on some music, swallow a Viagra, and adelante!"

That's the headline in Europe today following reports that a papal aide used an intermediary in an elite Vatican choir to solicit young male choristers and seminarians for prostitution.

Police wiretaps are expected to result in charges against Angelo Balducci, 63, a Papal Gentleman, as lay attendant are called, and the former chairman of the Holy See's Public Works Department, which is itself caught up in a corruption investigation.

According to police, Balducci regularly contacted Chinedu Ehiem Thomas, a Nigerian man who sings in St. Peter's Cappella Giulia, to engage the sexual services of young male members of the choir, along with seminarians and undocumented immigrants seeking residency status.

Prostitution, corruption and fucking over immigrants just for the hell of it. Truly these are men of God. With this scandal actually taking place within the Vatican this time, I wonder if the Pope will be able to ignore it like he and his predecessor ignored so many other scandals? Is the Pope Catholic? Of course he will. It'll be chalked up to a case of "boys will be boys", "what else is the choir there for, anyway", with a healthy dose of "nothing to see here."

But even with this going on we still get a healthy does of moralizing and hypocritical behavior from the Church in the meantime. Like in DC, where the city council passed a law making gay marriage legal there. The church, in response, naturally cut all benefits it paid its workers so they wouldn't have to pay a benefit to a gay couple and then completely shuttered its foster care and adoption programs so that there was no chance a gay might adopt or foster an orphan. For good measure they also shuttered the homeless shelter program. Gays can get married, so fuck everyone's benefits, see you later dirty orphans, and get bent homeless.

I'm sure if gay couple were willing to put out in exchange for a kid, pay a little hush money under the table, and were doing it to keep an immigrant from adopting a child, the Church would have been happy to oblige. So bang up job, Catholicism. When you aren't busy covering up or engaging in massive, horrific crimes, you're taking cheap political stands that harm the lives of people who work for you, children, and the homeless. Just like Jesus would, I assume. I bet you really earnestly wonder why church attendance and religious identification are down, too. I can't see why either.

Chart of the day

Click to embiggen

The good people at, uh, Good and Column Five have put together a chart, uh, charting the distribution of income amongst the various religions within these United States based on this Pew survey. What are the money religions? Where should you place your faith to get the most bang from your buck? Who does the baby Jesus prefer to reward with riches or curse with poverty completely irrespective of whether or not they believe in him?

Well, clocking it at 46% and 43% of member of their faith taking in $100k+ are Judaism and Hinduism, besting the national average of 18% *cough*stereotypesareaccurate*cough* Also doing well spiritually and financially are Christians (Mainline) at 21%, Christian (Other) at 23%, Orthodox at 28%, and Buddhists at 22%. Catholics, Mormons, Muslims, and Godless savages are all at the national average, while Jesus has punished Evangelicals, Black Churches, and Jehovah's Witnesses with lower rates of return on their spiritual investment.

Hindus also show higher than average placements within the $75k+ bracket, while also showing, along with the Jews, lower than average numbers in the $50k and below, poverty stricken wretch category. So I think the message is clear: Shiva and Abraham for your financial and spiritual well being.

Laugh now Jews and Hindus, you may beat us Catholics in the percentages and percentiles, but we smash you in raw numbers and overall money pile size. Plus our church is way richer than yours. Have you seen how decked out the Pope is? This all proves that Catholicism is better than Hinduism and that our improving of the Torah was a prudent financial plan. Because isn't that the best way to measure religions: by fat stacks of cash? I think that's what God would have wanted were He still alive.

Pope Gore I

The Catholic Church has a message for you. It wants you to know that just because it sounds completely tone deaf at best on numerous issues that require a shred of thought, it doesn't mean it fucks up every issue. Sure it bungles things like AIDS in Africa, Africa, gays, evolution, science in general, health care, not raping kids, or ever using its clout to push for things that Jesus actually said and fought for, but that doesn't mean it can't recognize the planet getting destroyed is bad.

Sure, the church only recently came around on that whole "apologizing to Galileo for that heresy trial for saying the earth revolved around the sun" thing and isn't really going to get around to apologizing to Darwin for another century or so, but Jesus didn't say anything that could be construed as meaning that global warming doesn't exist, so they're cool with it for now.

Pope Benedict XVI denounced the failure of world leaders to agree to a new climate change treaty in Copenhagen last month, saying Monday that world peace depends on safeguarding God's creation.
...
Benedict has been dubbed the ''green pope'' for his increasingly vocal concern about the need to protect the environment. Under his watch, the Vatican has installed photovoltaic cells on its main auditorium to convert sunlight into electricity and has joined a reforestation project aimed at offsetting its CO2 emissions.

For the pontiff, it's a moral issue: Church teaching holds that man must respect creation because it's destined for the benefit of humanity's future.

So, good for them and us, I guess. Of course it would be nice if the Vatican were to spend as much time and money on pushing for climate change action as it does fighting against the global gay conspiracy, but I won't hold my breath. I mean sure it's important to respect what God gave us, but you don't really want to put as much effort into that as you do to following the line about gays in Leviticus that follows rules on keeping Kosher. But I guess we need to take what we can get.

The Pope also blasted the "self-centered and materialistic way of thinking" that he said not only caused the financial crisis, but is contributing to the climate crisis. It's unclear if anyone pointed out that he was also claiming to be the one infallible conduit to God on earth and decked to the nines in Prada when he said that.

The Catholic Church just wants you to know that while they might not have officially gotten most science right at the time of its discovery, perhaps even accidentally burning, executing, torturing, and putting on trial many of the men whose basic scientific and mathematical ideas form the basis of our society, but they have gotten on board with this one. It had to happen eventually. Let's politely clap for them.

Broken News: Study reveals that most bibles are purchased in order to conceal weapons

STATESBORO—As both the Christmas season and fiscal year come to a close, today the National Association of Religious Manufacturers released a troubling statistical survey on the religious habits of Americans. According to their figures, nearly 90% of all new bibles are purchased solely for the purpose of hollowing them out and storing some kind of item inside, usually a stabbing implement.

The study, which was jointly confirmed by the National Organization of Catholic Churches, raises new questions about the beliefs and practices of the US religious community.

“I suspected the number of bibles used to hide drugs, money, or a shiv that you wish to jab in the neck of a prison snitch who knows just a little too much about your business would be high. But to see that almost no one is buying a bible to actually read it? That’s just not something I was prepared for,” remarked Jasper Boykins of the Catholic League.

In fact according to the study, the most common items stored inside on a hollowed out bible were methamphetamines, a shiv made from a bedpost, a shiv made from a toothbrush, a knife that had been smuggled inside someone’s ass, a shiv made out of mess hall utensils, and a shiv made out of a smaller, hardcover bible.

“Statistically speaking it’s mostly shivs or any object that can be used to stab or 'knife fuck' as the kids call it. Prison is a shiv and shank based society,” observed Dr. Henry Farkins, a Professor of Statistics at the University of Georgia who ran the study. “What I found most interesting is that most people preferred to use the old school method of carving out a hollow inside the bible that conformed to the shape of the object they were hiding. In my dealings with bibles I’ve found that’s the most reliable may to hide a killing implement while still maintaining the structural integrity that a bible needs to sustain to remain a sufficient object of deception.”

“Now some will just hollow out a rectangle, preferring instead to use the bible as a more generalized carrying case for all manner of murderous gew-gaws, deadly curios, and Sudafed meth. A lethal hope chest if you will,” continued Farkins. “But you’re just opening yourself up to suspicious rattling noises and an improper weight distribution in case someone picks up your bible to comment on just how devout you are.”

But while ‘concealing an imminent or upcoming attack or murder’ was the reason most commonly cited in new bible purchases, it was not the only one. Also rating highly were ‘concealing flask/alcoholism from wife’, ‘concealing stolen cash from post-church collection plate money count’, ‘using as a prop to convince evangelicals that you’ve already been converted and no longer need to hear about the miracle of Jesus Christ’, and ‘used to dramatically reveal to a crooked, religious warden that the full weight of his criminal dealings are about to come crashing down on him’.

“Ooh, that’s a good one,” exclaimed Dr. John Stephens, a mathematician whose own work studying the relation of how the size of the cross on someone’s wall was inversely proportionate to how religiously superior they wanted to feel to guests in their home was cited as an inspiration in this study.

“I mean you’ve spent all that time concealing the warden’s criminal activities, then, on the night you escape, you leave the bible with a note telling the warden how you’ve mailed off all the incriminating evidence to the authorities and media, finishing it off with a sarcastic quote from the book about judgment or justice. Classic bible usage!”

What this means for the church or religious manufacturers is not yet fully known, but already some companies are moving to scrap their bible lines in order to sell pre-hollowed out religious texts. It’s is expected that the money saved on printing and paper costs will lead to a surge in profits for 2010.

But these early measures are already being criticized as “missing the point.”

“Look, the relationship between a man and his bible is important,” explained Dr. Farkins. “When a man buys a bible he is making a commitment to himself to hollow it out to his own specifications to hide whatever it is he needs to hide from the prying and judgmental eyes of others. You can’t take that experience away from people.”

“We have to remember why the bible was created in the first place: as a means of hiding dangerous weapons or secrets, the discovery of which would result in damaging personal repercussions from the surrounding community. That’s why they call it The Good Book.”

“Besides,” he finished. “What else are you going to do with the thing? Read it?”

Video of the day

I'm glad there are some people who still remember the old Catholic traditions like the annual Festival of St. Lambert, whereupon a crazy person from a local village is tasked with the duty of subverting security in order to tackle the highest ranking member of the Catholic Church they can find. I congratulate this woman on taking down the big dog. Seems no one taught Benedict how to execute a proper stiff arm or forearm shiver.

So much for papal infallibility.

Headline of the day

Tupac song selected for Vatican playlist

The song in question was the Bruce Hornsby-sampling Changes, released posthumously. I personally would have gone with California Love but Pope Benedict likes what Pope Benedict likes.

You can check out the Vatican's playlist on MySpace.

Broken News: Area man apologizes after his parody of religion becomes church doctrine

DOVER—Early today, after much soul searching and numerous bouts of laughing to himself, humorist Charlie Warren formally apologized for the series of events that led a satirical take on religion and religious extremism to become the officially sanctioned doctrine of the Catholic Church.

“I would just like to offer my humblest apologies to the, uh, world, the billions of followers of Christianity, the Pope, and, uh, the Baby Jesus,” a slightly perplexed Warren proclaimed to the assembled media and local religious leaders. “I was just having a bit of fun, making a few jokes or two. I didn’t expect it to go this far. I won’t do it again. My bad.”

He then threw his hands up in the air and with a tinge of complete disbelief in his voice, exclaimed “I just thought people would understand it was an obvious joke!”

The parody, in which an alleged Bishop purported to claim that rubbing children in bacon fat and yelling at them in Latin would ward off “ill gay omens” and that the church should partake in the use of a giant catapult while giving confession so that church patrons may “confess their sins closer to God”, was originally published on Warren’s blog.

Despite the ridiculous claims in the piece and the fact that the Bishop referenced in the narrative, Bishop Don Magic Juan, is an O.G. Chicago pimp, several news services picked up and ran the story as if it were real. Soon after, the Catholic League began pushing these theories, public support in churches increased, and at the behest of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, the Vatican made these two tenets into church doctrine, placing orders for thousands of catapults and thousands of gallons of rendered hog fat.

“C’mon,” Warren shouted. “Wasn’t the joke massively obvious?”

While to most outside observers that answer would be an emphatic yes, the question still remains how such a ludicrous attempt at satire was able to make it into the laws of the Catholic Church.

“Oooh…..I don’t know if I want to say this out loud, it could get me in a lot of trouble,” said a nervous Oliver Palmer, a news editor for Reuters, one of the news services that originally picked up the Warren piece. “How about…religious fundamentalists in this country are so batshit insane nowadays that there is no ceiling to the kind of incomprehensibly deranged activity, belief, or political cause they will engage in. Anything is plausible. Anything!”

Palmer sighed a bit and winced, “I bet I’m going to get such a nasty letters from Bill Donohue and the Catholic League for saying that.”

But far from castigating Palmer and others who share his similar outlook on the state of religion inside America and around the world, the Vatican was sympathetic.

“It’s a fair cop,” observed Bishop Gianluco Scherzo, the head of the Vatican’s Department for Mitigating the Damage Catholicism Does to Itself. “I mean for years we covered up child molestations, we’re in Africa contributing to the spread of AIDS by opposing the use of condoms or making official statements that they don’t work, and in DC we’re about to shut homeless shelters and adoption centers just because we might have to hire a gay, or at least not fire a gay because he is a gay. And that’s just the official actions of the Catholic Church! We’re not even talking about what all the Christian offshoots and fundamentalists think.”

Scherzo shuddered as he thought of it, “American fundamentalists…woof. Give me the creeps. No, this was all too plausible. Though I still think we’re going to keep both changes. Eh, it’s not like they’re all that much crazier than what we actually believe and most of the catapults are already built and paid for.”

For his part, Mr. Warren has seemed to have learned his lesson.

“Not only do I reiterate my pledge to never dip my toes in the fevered swamps of religion so naively again. But if I do make any future attempts at parody or news satire, I assure you I will do so in only the most hamhanded and obvious way possible, replete with loose ciphers for myself speaking overt statements about their views on current religious trends,” Warren said, his hand placed firmly over his heart.

“You know,” he paused. “Like a hack would.”

Stay classy, Catholic Church

While we certainly don't agree, I think we all understand that the Catholic Church has a certain doctrinal issues with the concept of gay marriage. Of course this stems from Jesus' well known Sermon on the Mount where he famously said "Gays......ewwwwwwww", then proceeded to giggle and make limp wristed hand gestures with Peter and James, son of Zebedee. So when gay marriage amendments and referendums pop up they are of course expected to pop their heads up, stick their fingers in their ears when you try to mention all the gay priests, and loudly proclaim "gays.....ewwwwwww." Still though, I didn't know their opposition extended to making threats about letting homeless people starve and children go unadopted if they don't get their way.

The Catholic Archdiocese of Washington said Wednesday that it will be unable to continue the social service programs it runs for the District if the city doesn't change a proposed same-sex marriage law, a threat that could affect tens of thousands of people the church helps with adoption, homelessness and health care.

Under the bill, headed for a D.C. Council vote next month, religious organizations would not be required to perform or make space available for same-sex weddings. But they would have to obey city laws prohibiting discrimination against gay men and lesbians.

Again this goes back to the Bible, specifically 'the Tale of Jesus and the Suspiciously Effeminate Stone Mason'. We all know the tale; it starts with a mason named Ezekiel wishing to extend same sex benefits to his employees and ends with Jesus dangling a turkey-on-wheat sandwich over a starving Galatian and proclaiming "Which is it Zeke? You want to give them homos rights or do you want this poor man to live?" I think there's also a bit with an ant and a grasshopper arguing about civil unions.

So congratulations Catholic Church, when confronted with the possibility that you might not be allowed to discriminate against gays on projects with which you were receiving city money, you chose the most Christ like of options: you threatened to close homeless shelters, kick people out on the streets, fuck with orphans, and dick around with people's health. And they wonder why more and more people don't feel any connection of any kind to the church? Oh well, stay classy!

Broken News: Grandmother eager to be put down by Death Panel

ROCHESTER, NY--Lifelong resident Florence Edelburg, 84, has declared her intention to be first in-line when militant Marxist/Islamofascist sleeper cell agent, Barack Hussein Obama, convenes his Death Panels later this year.

"Honestly, I've had a good run. I was married for over 50 years to my late husband, John. I have six wonderful children, 14 beautiful grandchildren and--oh, who the hell am I kidding? If I have to spend one more Thanksgiving staring at my idiot kids and their ingrate cracker spawn, I'm going to put a fucking gun in my mouth."

The widow continued, "I long for the cold embrace of the Grim Reaper. Thank God the Democrats are back in office so I don't have to learn how to tie a noose."

Edelburg, who has seen her health decline in recent years, owing largely to decades of caring for such a large family and helping run her husband's sod farm outside of Adams Basin, has made a holiday habit of threatening to take her own life. Much of this tendency seems to stem from overwhelming disappointment in her progeny, as well as how her life generally turned out.

"Shit, back in '45, I had gams for miles. Wasn't a veteran fresh back from the war who didn't make pecker-first charge at me. If only they'd discovered birth control a decade earlier. I could be living off of Bob Hope's dime, not babysitting these cross-eyed nitwit grandchildren. I can't stand the thought of spending one more minute with my 'loved ones', watching them marry Protestants and ignore my time-worn wisdom, learned from a hard life spent actually working for a Goddamned living. Why didn't they put me in that Florida nursing home I heard so much about?"

Edelburg, a Catholic, first heard of Obama's Death Panels at mass, which she attends each morning "For the free hooch and crackers."

Father Thomas McGrady, of Our Lady of the Bleeding Eyes, has made the Death Panels the focus of his sermons ever since Glenn Beck told him in an e-mail that Jesus despised the competition of public and private health care sectors.

Said Father McGrady, "Scripture tells us to respect all life. Even if that life is an undignified one spent largely soiling oneself and being increasingly ignored by insensitive family members who care only about what effect escalating medical bills will have on their inheritance. I feel it is my duty and the duty of the Church to oppose these efforts at palliative treatment and stop the movement toward the cheaper and more accessible health care I know the Lord Our God hated so dearly."

Edelberg has been heartened by the fact that, according to a flier she received at mass, the post-death process will include "Crushing the bones of the elderly in a wine press and liquefying the corpses so that they can be fed intravenously to the Federal Government's army of secular cyborg babies," noting that being liquefied and used to nourish future generations will "at least allow someone to appreciate one goddamn thing I've done in my cursed fucking life."

As for the interim, Edelburg plans to settle her estate by pitting her six children against one another for a sizable inheritance.

"Lord knows it's the only way I can get some entertainment while I wait for the government to end my sad, depressing, shitshow of an existence. The smart money, pun intended, is on Patrick, my fourth child. He's got some sort of gorilla/retard strength and took to masturbating on small animals at a very young age. Also, he seems impervious to physical pain after all the lashings I gave him during his adolescence."

Florence hopes that, barring further legislative incompetence, the Death Panels will be up and running within the next six months. Otherwise, she fears not only having to endure another Thanksgiving, but an additional Christmas, New Year's, and a dreaded 85th birthday party with her horrid embarrassment of a family.

"I'll do anything to avoid that," she pleaded. "I'm a woman of faith. If the government is going to make me wait that long, I'll just start praying full-time for a stroke, cancer, a random car careering off the street and through the living room, a wayward sparrow flying into my temple, anything..."

Citing the desires of many elderly Americans like Mrs. Edelburg, the White House has vowed it will press forward in its efforts to get the Death Panels up and running by year's end. The White House says it has made a solemn vow to terminate the lives of people like Mrs. Edelman "with extreme prejudice" and remains committed to seeing that goal through to the bitter, bitter end.