Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.17

The Swiss Menace
Paul Krugman decides to use his op-ed column to do a "other than all of that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" job on health care reform. According to him all that stands in the way of universal health care is the "greed of the medical-industrial complex, the lies of the right-wing propaganda machine, and the gullibility of voters who believe those lies." Is that all? Well, we ought to have those things cleared up around a week after the sun explodes. Still, this article does also try to explain the three models for health care reform, and how and why we've decided to Swissify our system instead of Frenching it up or letting a bunch of cockney soccer hooligans give it Glasgow kiss.

Mathematical Model for Surviving a Zombie Attack
Never say math and science never did anything for you. Sure math and science will be responsible for the robots killing and enslaving us all, but should God get angry and Hell get filled up, we now have a proper mathematical model to consult so that we may survive and quickly tamp down a zombie uprising. By their official science numbers, action will need to be taken quick as in a outbreak situation, it will only take three days for the undead to outnumber the living in a city of 500,000. All I know is that I always wear high collared shirts (also provides protection from vampires) and carry around an extra big screwdriver for zombie earhole stabbing. It's the only way to be truly safe.

Tom DeLay Contestant On "Dancing With The Stars" Season Nine
Yes, the man who most closely represents politics' version of John Lithgow's dance hating preacher in Footloose is slated to grind against some poor 19-year-old ballroom dancer for the supposed entertainment of millions. What with his legal fees and many court cases resulting from his complete lack of any moral or ethical center, he's is taking this gig so that he may literally dance for his dinner. I eagerly await his one man free form jazz interpretation backed by the sounds of "Take My Breath Away."

Huge Santa Barbara County wildfire caused by marijuana farm; suspects at large in forest
A wildfire that has to date burned 75,000 acres, was started by a cartel of Mexican potheads. While officials are as yet unsure of the reason this fire was started, they have narrowed it down to two options: 1) the stove being left on after one of them spaced while trying to heat up some mac and cheese 2) one of them saying something to the effect of "imagine how high we'll get it we light it all up" and a second person concurring. They have fled into the forest where one of them is convinced they can hide with Bigfoot or the ewoks.

Scientists Make Oxygen Out of Moon Rock
Good news for the prospect of moon bases. It turns out you can convert moon rock into oxygen, thus negating a need to rocket up oxygen tanks or plant shrubs on the moon. Sure, it involves essentially destroying the moon to make it habitable, but that's what we do to live here on earth, so why shouldn't the moon endure the same fate? Alright science, moon bases are go, now get on flying cars, jet packs, hover boards, lightsabers, and personal interstellar spacecraft. Preferably have them done before I'm too old to use them.