Broken News: Pope to name Hannity honorary Nazi

Mein Fucker

VATICAN CITY--Just two days after being made an "honorary Texan" by Governor Rick Perry, Fox News personality and incomparable discourse stain, Sean Hannity, has been granted yet another noble distinction by a popular figurehead.

During a morning tour of the Vatican's condom stapling facilities, Pope Benedict XVI announced that he will extend to Hannity the title of "honorary Nazi." Benedict, a former member of the Hitler Youth, praised Hannity's tireless commitment to malignant groupthink, dangerous propaganda, and transparent hatred of all things non-white.

Reading from a prepared statement, the Pope said, "Few media personalities today so embody the true spirit of divine-inspired fascism. From his demonization of minority cultures, to his professional trading in half-truths and blatant lies, to his unflinching loyalty to all that is evil in the world, Sean Hannity carries on this proud tradition in a manner consistent with history's greatest monsters."

Previous honorary Nazis include such luminaries as Walt Disney, Henry Ford, and Spiro Agnew.

Sources close to the pontiff suggested that, upon hearing of Gov. Perry's recognition of Hannity, he grew jealous and retired immediately to his private chamber, wherein infant field mice are routinely set loose for His barefoot Holiness to trample into ceremonial jelly.

"Nobody outbids the Pope," said one Vatican insider on condition of anonymity. "Much as the state of Texas has every right to its substantial share of thought criminals and psychopaths, we can't let them poach all the talent."

Officials in the Texas Governor's office refused comment, although one senior staffer suggested that this was yet the latest in a long string of publicity stunts aimed at promoting Pope Benedict's new album, to be released later this year by Geffen UK.

Spokespeople from the Vatican, far from dismissing this claim, openly admitted these proceedings were all a part of extending the Pope’s image beyond the mere confines of Catholicism and into new areas such as talk radio that are traditionally more open to deeply hypocritical, moralizing father figures.

"We're just trying to expand the Pope's brand," said Vatican public relations director, Marissa Florentine. "People are too caught up with the Pope as a religious figure. We're trying to show them that he's a far-reaching global phenomenon and that religion is merely his medium. What better way to do that than by releasing a free-form Latin jazz and spoken word benediction album while simultaneously honoring the goat-legged Hellspawn of the new Fourth Reich?"

Indeed, after an official ceremony where the Fox News host will be presented with a brown shirt, Iron Cross, decorative faux-human skin lampshade, and certificates proclaiming him an honorary Field Marshall in the Panzer Corps, as well as one of the heralds of the apocalypse, the Pope will begin a whirlwind series of promotions set to increase his profile.

They include such events as a stint on I’m a Leader of a Major World Religion…Get Me Out of Here, a guest spot at the Michael Jackson tribute concert where he will sing “Dirty Diana” and name Jackson an honorary Catholic Priest for “his works ‘touching’ the ’lives’ of children”, and promotional appearances at several flagship Prada stores to sign pairs of his new limited-edition Benedictus Dominus Deus Air Max Zoom 100 Papal cross-trainers.

Some analysts believe that today's events are a precursor to a possible bidding war between the Lone Star State and the Vatican for rights to people who are morally bankrupt enough to willingly associate themselves with both Christianity and Texas. Calls on behalf of both parties have reportedly already been placed to the representatives of Ann Coulter, Pete Coors, Michael Bay, Senate Minority Leader John Boehner, and Pittsburgh Pirates owner Bob Nutting.

While open to negotiations with most of the aforementioned human scum, Catholic officials have formally declined overtures from Glenn Beck's agent, citing the church's intractable stance against bestiality.

Vatican officials hope to hold the ceremony sometime during the next Blood Moon.