Broken News: Bloggers missing, presumed dead, after extensive journey up their own asses

PITTSBURGH—Local and state police, as well as Pennsylvania national parks authorities began what they deemed an "extensive search” for two area bloggers reported missing after what readers characterized as unprecedented journey up their own asses. While the search is only in its preliminary stages, privately law enforcement officials aren’t optimistic that the two self-styled satirists will be found alive, given the amount of time they’ve spent up their own asses, as well as the sheer rectal depths to which they have spelunked.

"At seven AM EST, local authorities, in conjunction with park personnel, have commenced a search for the two individuals known as 'Matthew' and 'Sean' of TheseBastards,” announced Allegheny Country Sheriff John Garrett. “While no one can be exactly sure how long these two men have been up their own asses, we do know they first ventured into the terrain over a year ago and have been making trips of increasing length and distance ever since. At this time we would like to assure the public and whatever friends or family member might still be speaking to these two that we will exhaust every resource in bringing them, or their twisted corpses, back in as few pieces as possible.”

While sources differ as to the exact moment the two verbal vagrants became ensconced in their rectal caverns, most of the dozen fans of their juvenile blog place the moment somewhere around the increased discussion of the health care debate in Washington and Ted Kennedy’s death. Supposedly this is when Matthew and Sean ventured so far up into their anuses that they became disoriented and have since been unable to find their way back out.

“I became concerned after their ‘Broken in Brief' piece on Ted Kennedy marked the third time in recent months that they had tastelessly mocked a celebrity on the very day of their death,” observed TheseBastards historian David Parkinson, referring to the duo’s short-form satirical news pieces to which site readers are regularly subjected after accidental Google mis-clicks during extensive searches for hermaphrodite midget amputee pornography. “After I perused some of their political opinions on the issues of the day I knew that they were irrevocably stuck in their own asses and so I placed the call to local wildlife and game wardens.”

It was at this point that officials from the Allegheny Sheriff’s Department were brought in. Maps were quickly drawn up and search teams were organized to look for the duo’s whose website reaches a total audience numbering in the hundreds per day, with committed readership reaching into the low thirties.

“Thankfully, the sheer size and vastness of their rectal cavities have assured us we will be able to bring in the requisite manpower and equipment,” observed Erin Winston, herself a warden for Pennsylvania’s Department of Parks, Recreation, Fisheries, and Esoteric Anal Substrata. “Luckily, the blogging revolution has given us plenty of experience with these sort of self-aggrandizing ‘my opinions are so important’, ‘aren’t I so clever’ types who go missing in their own keister.”

Indeed, after reading the first page of the duo’s missives local authorities were quick to declare a Level 7 National Review Rectal Event after Sullivan Levels proved to be off the charts. Much of the challenge of the next few days will be field testing advanced experimental equipment, such as rectal excavators, posterior terrain vehicles, gas masks, and aerial support vehicles modified to fly in such harsh environments, most of which was never bench tested after being rushed through development when rumors that Sean Hannity was going to start a daily blog began circulating earlier this year.

“But this is only the beginning. We also have to prepare for what happens if they’re found alive,” observed Dr. Heinrich Otto, Director of the Center for the Study of Internet Delusion at the University of Pittsburgh. “We have to engage in an intense deprogramming regimen so that they never again venture this far up their own asses. For Matthew and Sean, I suspect this will involve charts showing the various web traffic of sites they view and link to as compared to their own, a series of pieces from The Onion and Recoil that are objectively much funnier and more creative than anything on TheseBastards, and, if needed, a thorough dressing-down of all the childish political beliefs they hold, the impotency of their rage, and the mean-spiritedness of their observations. With extra emphasis on grammar, diction and spelling, of course.”

“That is...” Otto shrugged. “If they’re even alive. A cursory glance at the blog, which is all I could stomach, suggests they might well be all the way up their own asses. Perhaps even lodged in an intestine. We may never find them.”

For now, the search continues, with teams massing at the base of Matthew and Sean’s rectums and entering every hour, on the hour, to search their assigned anal grids.

“I just hope this serves as a warning to all you potential bloggers out there,” an angry Sheriff Garrett said. “Have some sense and go outside. Talk to another flesh-and-blood person. Smell a fucking flower or something. Most importantly, ask yourself, ‘does the world really need one more self-conscious political commentary blog with ham-handed satire?’ before you start traipsing around the outer border of your sphincter. It just might save your life.”