Tulsa, OK--Plagued by premature ejaculation for years, local systems analyst Roger Goodwin, 41, has decided that his next attempt to satisfy his wife will require visualizing Hall of Fame wide receiver and former Republican Congressman, Steve Largent.
Goodwin, who has not made his wife climax through intercourse since the first Clinton term, believes that picturing the former Congressman from Oklahoma's 1st district in various states of disrobe will enable him to finally feel like a man.
Largent, who held virtually every NFL receiving record at the time of his retirement in 1989, is the eleventh consecutive professional athlete, and first Seattle Seahawk, Goodwin has erected as a mental bulwark against his embarrassing affliction. Previous failures include baseball great Yogi Berra, Portland Trailblazers center Greg Oden, and This Old House master carpenter Norm Abram.
"I can only hope that these mental gymnastics will finally allow me to experience that magical part of intercourse known as the second thrust," Goodwin said while rubbing down his groin with a Novocaine paste. "Furthermore, it is my fondest wish that by eclipsing the one minute mark I will finally be able to silence my wife and her friend's hushed whispering that my premature ejaculation and persistent visualization of of male athletes and burly woodworkers has led them to the inexorable conclusion that I am a deeply closeted homosexual."
Monday, August 3, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment