Broken News: Rogue doctor declares himself 'one man death panel'

BRADENTON—With the shotgun blasts distantly echoing through the hallways of the Sunny Glades Retirement and Rest Home, local authorities are still trying to come to grips with the carnage inside. With the toll currently at 12 dead and 7 critically injured, area residents are still in a state of shock.

“At approximately 9:17 this morning, Dr. Eric Francis rampaged through this facility wielding a gavel, costume judicial robes, and a sawed off shotgun,” explained Sheriff Dane Collig during this afternoon’s press conference. “Dubbing himself The Adjudicator, Dr. Francis declared himself a ‘one man death panel’, handed out mock prescriptions for ‘lead’, and set about making ‘end of life care decisions’ for any resident he came across in the interest of reducing health care costs and easing society’s burden. After being confronted by a young, physically fit orderly, the doctor dove out a window, fled, and is currently at-large.”

Law enforcement officials are currently at a loss to explain why Francis would begin to take these measures now, seeing as, from what they understood of the current health care debate in Washington, his actions had not yet been made legal by Congress.

“I was under the impression from watching Glenn Beck that the Kenyan was going to make all this legal in a few weeks time,” said Deputy Samuel Weber. “I mean, the guy couldn’t wait until it was OK for doctors and specially authorized elected representatives to kill the elderly in a manner of their own choosing if they did not fit into the grand socialist future that has been envisioned for this country? Now we might have to arrest him. Some people just got no patience.”

Others simply wondered if perhaps Dr. Francis was engaging in the field testing of some of the Department of Health and the Obama Administration’s palliative care concepts in order for them to be able to present more a more concrete cost analysis of the death panels to the Office of Management and Budget. But this rumor was quickly squashed by the White House.

“I would just like to state unequivocally that we did not authorize Dr. Francis to form his own death panel,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, during a briefing session. “I think we’ve been absolutely clear that our death panels would involve a number of doctors sitting on ornately carved wooden thrones, make use of an ominous courtroom setting, involve shimmering black robes, tall opulent hats, and other quasi-religious garb, and generally be conducted in the manner of a futuristic Spanish Inquisition. Or, if you aren’t a history buff: like the ‘Death Eater’ trials in the Harry Potter movies. Plus I would just like to acknowledge the sheer waste in using bullets.”

Gibbs then proceeded to list killing objects that would be authorized because of their reuse and environmentally friendly aspects. These included knives, truncheons carved out of driftwood or reclaimed lumber, a large rock on a pulley or lever system, or simply using the pillow of an indigent or elderly patient and suffocating them with it.

“Clearly we would not authorize the use of bullets when you’d just have to buy more. That just doesn’t make sense when you’re trying to find ways to cuts costs. Hell that’s the whole point of eliminated these drags on society through the death panel system,” an exasperated Gibbs continued. “Plus, we’d like to keep the *ahem* handy work of our death panels out of the public eye. We wouldn’t ever be so gauche as to organize a shotgun rampage. We’d make it look more like we did when our provisional Washington death panel judged and killed Bob Novak. Still, we applaud Dr. Francis’ support.”

But even with the explicit support of the White House, Bradenton police are going to have to expend the effort to eventually bring Dr. Francis in. Some deputies grumbled about Francis’ actions, noting that while he had saved the municipality thousands in health care costs and provided a much needed economic boon, this was offset by the extra costs the country was going to have to pay out in overtime for the police officers.

As for Francis’ whereabouts, the sheriff’s department was unsure, but they know Florida has not seen the last of “the Adjudicator.” They cited a note that the doctor left at the scene that told of Francis’ desire to “bring affordable health care to America, one buckshot blast at a time.”

“God bless the boy for what he’s trying to do,” said Sheriff Collig, a tear glinting in his eye. “I’m gonna regret having to bring him in. If only he had an effective solution for medical malpractice tort reform.”