Broken News: Wacky shirt day marred by morose ruminations on the state of the economy

CINCINNATI—A day meant to celebrate the boundless hilarity of cabana t-shirts and definitively state that the Morrison Certified Public Account Agency wasn’t like any other workplace soon turned into a sorrowful dirge as the bi-monthly Wacky Shirt Day was derailed by office-wide panic over the continued stagnancy of the economy.

The day started off well enough, with people laughing at each others shirts and some even bringing in funny hats that they were going to wear while they did their estate planning work.

“I was initially going to reprimand some of the hat wearers for deviating from the prescribed parameters of the day,” observed office manager Stanley Bolden, himself wearing a long-sleeved blue, floral, Hibiscus-patterned Hawaiian print shirt. “Then I figured there was time enough to scold them in private. But after everyone got settled at their desks, there seemed to be a pallor cast over the office floor.”

Indeed, those present confirmed that the sight of the comical garments seemed to serve as an almost sarcastic or satirical exclamation point to recent revelations of poor economic indicators and plummeting employment numbers. It was at this point that many began to feel they were just garishly dressed clowns, capering as the world collapsed. Soon the feeling spread and most of the office was consumed with the bitter parody of Wacky Shirt Day and filled with deep fears over the future of the economy and their own lives.

Some weren’t as quick to buy that explanation and offered a contrasting take. “I blame Jenkins, the damned spoilsport wearing a blue windowpane dress shirt,” observed F. Ogden Hamilton, Director of Operations, himself wearing a red Hawaiian shirt, unbuttoned, with an Arthur Andersen t-shirt underneath. “I don’t care if his collar was unbuttoned and his tie undone, it doesn’t meet the standard dictionary requirement of ‘wacky’. That G.D. son-of-a-B. just threw everyone off. Ruined the whole darned day.”

“All I know is that one minute I’m laughing at a guy’s Hawaiian shirt and the fact that he’s wearing it in a place of business and the next I’m thinking about what a cruel joke this all is when the economy is in such a state, Jenkins' foolishness be damned,” said CPA Harris Adams, silently weeping in a t-shirt that was airbrushed to look like a muscular chest, his own green Hawaiian shirt crumpled up in the corner. “Why did we even do this? I long for the cold comfort of numbers, of corporate finance. Oh God, corporate finance! Now I’m thinking about the collapsing economy again.”

Outside observers are cautioning that this kind of thing could be avoided if those within the accountancy profession or those who have accountant-like tendencies or persuasions would refrain from approaching humor, personality cultivation, and lame office gimmicks. Instead, advisers suggest accountants embrace their reputation as “humorless fucks” and “soulless, number-crunching automatons unaware of how to stimulate any set of genitals not their own.”

“This reminds me of an incident in Des Moines last year,” said Dr. David Denby, a sociologist dealing strictly with the mathematically based professions, himself wearing a non-wacky golf shirt and standard khakis. “Again it was accountants… always the accountants. A man showed up to a company picnic wearing an ‘Accountants do it with double entry’ shirt and the ensuing explanation of the sexual double entendre resulted in mass fainting, vomiting, and several cases of the vapors. The situation wasn’t remedied until the man was fired and some practice balance sheets were distributed with the promise that they would be graded very carefully.”

Denby states that the only way to remedy these types of situations is to remove the types of outside stimulus and non-conformity that a Wacky Shirt Day provides. Indeed, Morrison CPA agrees, having already canceled all future shirt-themed days, the annual "Wear a Striped Tie" day, and a scheduled competition to make a funny spreadsheet on Excel.

“It was a mistake,” said Bolden. “And one that won’t soon be repeated. I just wanted to take their minds off the impending round of layoffs and cutbacks. Now all they can think about is the economy.”