Broken In Brief: Waitress adequately compensated

ORLANDO--Tiffany McCarren, a waitress at the south Orlando-based franchise eatery, Jimmy's, was tipped a satisfactory amount during her dinner shift last night. McCarren, who is routinely "fucked over by those fat cheapskate tourist douchebag cocksuckers," received what amounted to a 27% tip from a table of four sales representatives for the Romans Potted Meat Product empire.

"When I dropped off the check, I swore those pinstriped gashes were going to stiff me," explained McCarren, who is on a new medication less likely to give her night terrors. "But what do you know? The pricks actually whipped out the Jaws of Life and opened up their goddamn wallets."

Despite the unexpected generosity of her customers, McCarren did not regret asking the line cooks to "befoul" their appetizer, claiming that the "law of asshole averages" justifies any and all food tampering.

When asked to comment on their magnanimous gesture of peace between the different financial classes, one of the sales reps was heard to remark, "Oh Christ, I can't believe I accidentally put down a five instead of a one. Ah well, the jalapeno poppers were exquisite. I only wish they had given us more of that delightful white sauce to dip them in."