CLEVELAND—Local man Doug Katsen, 26, unemployed, reported today that when he tried to select the Cleveland Browns as the team he would play in the "Franchise Mode" of Madden 2010, the game paused, audibly laughed at him, and then shut down the XBox 360 console on which he was playing.
“I tried to pick the Brownies and a little box pops up asking me if I had done that by accident or on purpose. Then another box popped up asking if I was doing this of my own free will,” Katsen said, the #17 Braylon Edwards jersey he was wearing visually punctuating this sad scene.
“Then it paused, as if it couldn’t understand what was happening, before chortling in a dismissive manner and shutting itself off. I paid $60 bucks for this game! You mean I can’t relish in the glory of a Brady Quinn to Mike Furrey pass? The splendor of D’Qwell Jackson tackling a runner after a nine yard gain? The corpulent majesty of a digital sideline Mangenius? I’m pissed!”
When asked to comment, representatives for EA Sports were shocked to hear of the revelation, noting that they had not expected anyone to actually select the Browns, Detroit Lions, Jacksonville Jaguars, or Cincinnati Bengals for any other reason than having lost a bet.
“The game is pretty advanced; I’m betting the AI just couldn’t comprehend what was going on and shut itself down to prevent the processor from exploding,” explained EA lead programmer Greg Ng. “In fact we don’t even let the “choose a random team” function select those teams for fear that the gamer might smash his machine. They're only in there because of legalese and licensing requirements. We never imagined these teams had fans.”
“But rest assured if that’s the team that Mr. Katsen wants to play, we will send him an edited copy that removes our finely tuned sensibility barriers. Even if it does violate US laws about mailing instruments of torture through the mail,” said Ng, visibly shuddering. “Christ, there are some sick freaks out there. Takes all kinds, I guess. Takes all kinds.”