The Only Twitter Feed Worth Reading, or, Why I Can't Wait to be Old

Seriously, between an entire wardrobe consisting solely of a bathrobe and black socks, to socially acceptable incontinence, to giving The Finger to every child I see, being old will probably be the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Also, I get to make comments like this:

"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down."

and this:

Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer.

and especially this:

"They serve Jim Beam on airplanes. Tastes like piss. You wouldn't be able to tell the difference, because you drink shit. I don't."

The Glory lies here. You're welcome.