This post was written by one of our unpaid interns

There is no secret that Sean and I love unpaid interns. They're what makes TB Industries go. They shovel coal into the blast furnaces during their 19 hour shifts, they mine coal for the blast furnace, they burn as an acceptable form of fuel failing a timely delivery of coal or mine cave-in, they are excellent cannon fodder for our top-secret assaults on small island nations we need to control before we can enact Plan Beta, they go good with a white wine vinaigrette and provide an excellent source of protein, they seem to fight the genetic abominations our science department cranks out with a certain pluckiness and aplomb when they're armored up and forced into the Hellpit, and, most importantly, they're easily replaceable, their bodies are easily dumpable, and their causes of death are easy to cover up.

But for most recent grads, becoming an unpaid intern isn't a choice one makes just to become part of the greater glory of These Bastards. No, for most it is an opportunity, any opportunity, to grab some form of job experience during the worst job market ever. For most companies they offer unpaid internships for one reason: slavery is a good business model. But now it seems that old man socialism and the feddy government want to stick their noses into this racket and make sure it conforms to "laws" and "accepted labor practices". Fascists.

Convinced that many unpaid internships violate minimum wage laws, officials in Oregon, California and other states have begun investigations and fined employers. Last year, M. Patricia Smith, then New York’s labor commissioner, ordered investigations into several firms’ internships. Now, as the federal Labor Department’s top law enforcement official, she and the wage and hour division are stepping up enforcement nationwide.
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The Labor Department says it is cracking down on firms that fail to pay interns properly and expanding efforts to educate companies, colleges and students on the law regarding internships.
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Ms. Leppink said many employers failed to pay even though their internships did not comply with the six federal legal criteria that must be satisfied for internships to be unpaid. Among those criteria are that the internship should be similar to the training given in a vocational school or academic institution, that the intern does not displace regular paid workers and that the employer “derives no immediate advantage” from the intern’s activities — in other words, it’s largely a benevolent contribution to the intern.

It goes without saying that the "six federal legal criteria", or "The Forbidden Restraints" as we call them here, are not allowed to be written or spoken of. Punishment for this industry killing knowledge is the filling in of the perpetrator's mouth with cement.

But our industry (blogging/the Onion wake swimming/megalomaniacal world domination/pointless furnace maintenance) is not like other industries. So for those recent graduates who do not wish to become part of the TB Killer Elite, this might be relevant information to have.

I mean sure the rise in de facto slavery and skirting labor, harassment, and discrimination laws through internships is a troubling response to a massive economic crisis, but how did you expect America to get back on top? By employing people, using sound business practices, and enacting laws, regulations, and programs that promote sensible growth and prevent this kind of thing from happening again? No, of course not. This is America after all.

So best of wishes to the new unpaid interns out there. Good news, in addition to the job experience you'll be able to put on a resume, this also qualifies as "Studying the labor and economic policies of Dubai". Congratulations, you just got a Social Sciences minor!